Yours Was The Hardest Itch To Relieve

Internets, I need your help.

I hesitated posting about this because I am equal parts disgusted and embarrassed but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I am so itchy. I am so itchy because I have a disgusting and embarrassing rash.

It started off a little over a week ago as a small patch of dry skin on my chest. I thought nothing of it; my skin is usually on the drier side of normal and every winter it morphs into the more normal side of dry skin. No biggie.

Then it started to spread. Suddenly I had four spots of dry skin. Then seven spots. Seven spots of dry skin that weren't like normal dry skin; they were raised and red and itchy.

So I went to a doctor. Not my doctor (I still don't have a new one) but a walk-in clinic. I saw a lovely doctor (who works solely out of the clinic and doesn't take on patients *sigh*) who told me I have pityriasis rosea, which is a really fancy way of saying that I have a rash. A disgusting and embarrassing rash. Disgusting because it's red and flaky and spreading quickly. Embarrassing because I've never really had skin issues before (except for really sensitive face-skin and mild acne during my teenage years) and it's making me want to hide.

As far as disgusting and embarrassing rashes go, I've got it pretty easy. I'm not contagious; I'm not likely to scar unless I scratch my skin right off (which actually sounds really good right now,) and (so far) my rash is contained to areas that are not unusual to keep covered at work (e.g. I have worn long sleeves to work every day since my rash spread to my inner elbow crack.)

I can live with the flakiness and the redness. I can live with the comments Shawn has made about my diseased boobs (yes, the rash is now on my boobs. Rock.) It's the itchiness that is making me slowly lose my mind. I cannot think of anything except how itchy I am and how weird it is that I am itchy all over, even in places that are rash-free. I am never not itchy and it's been this way for over a week now.

I've cut out soap and moisturizer and switched to oatmeal body wash and lotion (goodbye $20 from my fun budget.) I filled the $30 prescription for steroids and anti-fungal ointment (even though pityriasis rosea isn't caused by a fungus, it's really easy to catch a secondary fungal infection if you, you know, shower on a regular basis) (why did I feel the need to share all that? Because I am embarrassed! I feel germy! And digusting!) I was so desperate to stop itching that I even went out last night and bought anti-histamine pills (and waved goodbye to an additional $15 from my fun budget, bringing my total spent on this rash to a depressing $65.)

I hate anti-histamine pills. I have bizarre reactions to anti-histamine pills. I took half of a regular-strength pill this morning and I still feel funny. It's difficult to describe but I feel simultaneously dead-tired and hyped-up on caffeine, my eyes are really sensitive to light and I have dry mouth. Oh, and I'm still fucking itchy.

So internets, this is where you come in. What are your itch remedies? I will try anything at this point, especially if it's inexpensive. If you don't have a remedy for me to try, at least tell me a joke to cheer me up. Please? First person to either cure my itch or make me laugh wins my eternal love and gratitude.