Monday, 20 August 2012

No Thanks I'll Take Defeat

I'm struggling with something. It's been on my mind for a while and I can't seem to come up with a plan or find my peace.

How do you say "thanks but no thanks!" to well-meaning people? Not just well-meaning people but well-meaning family members. Well-meaning family members who don't accept the first, polite "thanks but no thanks!" brushoff.

I'm not an arrogant person. I don't think that I know everything. I'm open to the wisdom and suggestions of people who are speaking from experience. If you want to tell me what really worked - or didn't work - when you were raising your kid(s), great! I'd love to hear it. If you see me struggling with something and you have a suggestion based on your own experiences? Awesome! Let me know! But please, PLEASE, do not come to me with nonsense like "oh look at this awesome new product that promises to teach your kid how to do advanced mathematics before they reach kindergarten and look it's only three easy payments of $19.99 plus shipping and handling all major credit cards accepted! You need to get this! Grady NEEDS this. Don't you love Grady? Why do you want to doom him to a lifetime of knowing only basic math, Hillary? What kind of mother are you?"

That may be a slight exaggeration but only a slight one, I promise.

So here's the thing. I can take suggestions. I'm not so sensitive that someone suggesting a new product to make my child smarter sends me into a tailspin. It's what comes after that makes my head melt. If I say, "thanks but no thanks!" LEAVE IT AT THAT. Just drop it. It doesn't matter why I'm not interested, it only matters that I'm not interested.

So. How do I do it without coming across aggressively? If it was one incident, fine, whatever, but it's not. Every couple of weeks there is a new product / new teaching method / new whatever that I NEED to use with Grady and it's getting out of control. I need a way of saying "thanks but no thanks!" that is ... firmer? More definite? Less open to judgement?

Or I need to just stop caring. Which is probably my best bet but not something that will come easy to me.

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

In This Silence We Design a Different Life

I quit my job again.

Twice in one month.

I did it properly the second time around. I gave my formal notice. I stayed for my two weeks and trained my replacement. My last day was July 31st.

I'm terrified.

Terrified with no regrets. I couldn't see (or wasn't willing to see?) how negatively my job was affecting me. I couldn't see how bizarre my situation was until I started sharing it with people. It got so overwhelming - the support and rage on my behalf - that I had to stop sharing it with people. It was too much. It made me realize that I had stayed for way too long. I felt (feel) stupid.

I'm on the other side now, though. I've agreed to contract myself out to my former company until the end of 2012. I will be working limited hours. Apart from one monthly meeting, I'll be working from home. I will walk away if things get rough or out of hand again. Part of me is sad that I don't have a clean break but the other (more responsible) part of me is happy to have some income while I figure out what I want to do next.

Grady and I escaped to the lake for a week. Shawn drove us up and stayed for the weekend but he had to go back home to his new job (the new job that made it possible for me to re-quit my job.) I'm surrounded by family, the sun is shining, my belly is full of yummy food and my heart is content. I am starting to feel like myself again.