I'm struggling with something. It's been on my mind for a while and I can't seem to come up with a plan or find my peace.
How do you say "thanks but no thanks!" to well-meaning people? Not just well-meaning people but well-meaning family members. Well-meaning family members who don't accept the first, polite "thanks but no thanks!" brushoff.
I'm not an arrogant person. I don't think that I know everything. I'm open to the wisdom and suggestions of people who are speaking from experience. If you want to tell me what really worked - or didn't work - when you were raising your kid(s), great! I'd love to hear it. If you see me struggling with something and you have a suggestion based on your own experiences? Awesome! Let me know! But please, PLEASE, do not come to me with nonsense like "oh look at this awesome new product that promises to teach your kid how to do advanced mathematics before they reach kindergarten and look it's only three easy payments of $19.99 plus shipping and handling all major credit cards accepted! You need to get this! Grady NEEDS this. Don't you love Grady? Why do you want to doom him to a lifetime of knowing only basic math, Hillary? What kind of mother are you?"
That may be a slight exaggeration but only a slight one, I promise.
So here's the thing. I can take suggestions. I'm not so sensitive that someone suggesting a new product to make my child smarter sends me into a tailspin. It's what comes after that makes my head melt. If I say, "thanks but no thanks!" LEAVE IT AT THAT. Just drop it. It doesn't matter why I'm not interested, it only matters that I'm not interested.
So. How do I do it without coming across aggressively? If it was one incident, fine, whatever, but it's not. Every couple of weeks there is a new product / new teaching method / new whatever that I NEED to use with Grady and it's getting out of control. I need a way of saying "thanks but no thanks!" that is ... firmer? More definite? Less open to judgement?
Or I need to just stop caring. Which is probably my best bet but not something that will come easy to me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This will only work with SOME people and SOME situations, but it's another tool for the toolkit. I've found I can sometimes use a two-response approach. The first response is "Oh! Neat! I'll look into it!" (or "...I'll discuss it with [other parent]!" The second response is for if they bring it up again: "Oh! Yes, I looked into it, but it's not for me" (or "Yes, we discussed it, but it's not for us"). Cheerful, friendly---but NO. If they say something else, the same answer is repeated until they get tired: "Yes, I saw that when I was researching it, but we've decided it's not for us." "Uh huh, yes, I know, but it's not for us." "Yes, I realize that, but it's not for us." "Of course. But we've made our decision, and it's not for us."
ReplyDeleteThe endless repeating of pretty much the same remark stopped even my mother-in-law, and she was pretty unstoppable. It was when I tried to vary my answer that she thought we were still discussing it---it's like she thought she needed to address and/or argue with each of my objections.
Thank you so much for this, lady. My method follows the first part of your suggestion ("Cool! I'll look into it!") but veers off from the second part of your suggestion. I always change my answer to come up with different reasons to justify WHY something isn't for us. I think your approach of repeating the same remark is brilliant (and I feel dumb for not thinking of it!)
DeleteI have this problem too! It really stressed me out when people kept suggesting things I did not want to buy or do, and I couldn't figure out why it was SO bothersome to me, and not to Erik at all. Finally I decided that maybe it was because I am always somehow worried that I will be MADE to do these things, that somehow they will persuade me or I'll end up having to do something I don't want to do, and Erik is not at ALL concerned because he's not been made to do a lot of stuff he doesn't want to do, so he's not deep down thinking "OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO HAVE TO DO THIS EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT TO."
ReplyDeleteOnce I realized this it sort of helped me. Not perfect, but at least I can sort of talk myself down and remind myself that other people aren't going to get to make me do or buy or whatever things I don't want to do. I can say no. I am in charge! It's still annoying that the suggestions don't stop, but it's better, somehow.
I also agree with Swistle, that saying the same thing over and over again no matter what will probably eventually help.
Or sometimes I just say "Oh, Erik hates wicker!" or whatever it is, and laugh it off like it's HIS fault. I have free reign to blame him for whatever stuff we don't want, so a lot of times I just blame it on him and no one's the wiser.
YES! Exactly. I start to feel SO clenchy when things are repeatedly brought up because I feel like I'm going to HAVE to do whatever is being suggested or I'll accidentally commit to something and then have to back out (or follow through and actually do it.) It's tough because Shawn is all "relax! You don't have to do anything!" which just makes me clench even more. Like I need to clench enough for both of us. It's ... ridiculous.
DeleteI have had similar issues with baby items/toys.etc. that my mother (and others, but mostly her) INSIST on buying LG. My mom said she wanted to buy her a high-chair ("She NEEDS a high-chair, Sarah!") Okay, fine. Let me look into the kind we choose and I'll let you know. Fast-forward one day later..."Okay, I bought you this high-chair and it's being sent to your house." And then how can I be a bitch about a THREE HUNDRED DOLLAR HIGH-CHAIR, you know? "Mom, I can't believe you bough a high-chair that I didn't want!" No, can't do it.
ReplyDeleteWhat's equally-hard is that when she out-grows the high-chair, what do I do? If I had paid for it (well, first of all, I wouldn't have bought a $300 high chair, but go with me), then I would sell it on Craig's List. Can I do that with the stuff that's a gift? I seriously don't know, but I DO know that I have an ever-growing pile of jumpers and carseats and stuff that were (unasked-for) gifts that LG has outgrown that I would LOVE to sell or give away, but I feel guilty for doing so.
Anyway, a little off topic from your post, but on my mind, nonetheless. (And totally unbloggable for me.) Thanks for letting me vent :-)
Yes, this is the problem I face with my MIL. She'll suggest something (or worse, just hear us offhandedly mention something once), and suddenly there it is. In our house. Often without her even mentioning it, just leaving it somewhere in our home. And like Sarah above, I'm left with frustration at the ignoring of our wishes and an item I cannot return and do not want to use. I have taken to occasionally doing what I'm sure is equally passive aggressive and hauling it to my in-laws' house-it can get used at grandma's!
DeleteOh my goodness, Sarah. That would drive me CRAZY. We've had a bit of that but not with any huge ticket items (wait, I take that back, we did receive a giant ride-on John Deere pedal tractor with attached trailer ohmygodIcan'tbreathe.) Anyway. I see your dilemma. We totally sell everything on Craigslist but so far we haven't had to sell anything that was a gift. I think you CAN sell gifts because ... what are you going to do? Keep a highchair forever? Hand it down to LG for her future hypothetical children? No. Ridiculous. That's so hoardy. Sell the highchair on Craigslist is what I'm saying.
DeleteGabrielle, I am of the opinion that if someone buys an item, they can't be mad if said item ends up at their house (see above: John Deere tractor!)
DeleteI have no advice re: childrearing. However, in these situations in general, I start with "thanks, but no thanks" or "Hmmm, that doesn't sound like something we could use right now, but I'll look into it." The second time: "Oh, yeah, I looked into that, but it turned out __________." If I can't think of anything to fill in the blank, I fill it in with a white lie: "We had some unexpected expenses and it just isn't going to fit in our budget right now," or "My neighbor said that might be a code violation," or "I thought the idea was kind of cool, but Abe hated it, and you know how stubborn he can be."
ReplyDeleteThe third time, I get curt. "Yeah, no. That doesn't interest us AT ALL." Maybe this makes me a mean lady, but they were rude for not listening to me the first two times.
You know what's so funny? Reading your comment I was all "that doesn't make you a mean lady!" but when I think about doing it in my situation I'm all "I can't say that! It's too mean!"
DeleteI'm a mess is what I'm saying.
As you know I don't have a kid, but Matt and I get plenty of "oh you two should..." fill in the blank in regards to our relationship/marriage/house/whathaveyou. Everyone, especially family, has an opinion on everything. I've learned to politely say what Swistle essentially says, "oh thanks, we'll look into it." And then ignore.
ReplyDeleteI wish it was that simple! I totally do the "thanks, it's not for us!" but they don't listen! They come back 2, 3 times and question WHY it's not for us. Like I need to justify my decision. It drives me absolutely batty.
DeleteI have found that usually when people are offering advice, they're coming from a place of genuinely caring and wanting the best for you/your kid, but sometimes they just come off as so pushy that their intention gets buried. But anyway, what people often really want is just to know that you heard their suggestion and considered it rather than brushed it off. Even if you know immediately that the suggestion is totally wrong for you and you'd never do it, it usually goes over better if you don't say no right off the bat. Just say, "thanks, that's a great suggestion/interesting thought/viewpoint I hadn't considered. I'll definitely think about it." And just don't give an answer one way or the other. They can't really argue with that, I mean most things require some thoughtful consideration and discussion with the other half, so if they push for you to say yes then just blame it on that.
ReplyDeleteOften it never gets brought up again. If it does then I think the ladies above have great advice and it's a good time to say, "Oh yes, I looked into that, but it's not right for us." If they don't accept that at face value then they're being rude and you're within your rights to shut that down in a firmer (read: possible ruder!) way.
Oh I TOTALLY agree that most advice comes from a place of genuine care / concern. I can accept advice / guidance / wisdom in those situations. It's the super pushy "I know what's best" attitude I can't stand.
DeleteThat being said, I could stand to be a little more patient in those situations. You're right that people just want to feel heard and appreciated. I could be a little more gracious in these types of situations :) Thanks for your help, lady!
At least when they are insisting on thrusting their advice upon you, they are spelling your name with two Ls. Anything less would be unseemly. :-)
ReplyDeleteOh, and I would tell the person to bugger off.
I don't have the guts!
DeleteFor ANYONE who does that, I do what I do with my grandmother: nod and say "Yes, that sounds delightful." then walk away.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, yes, the "i'll look into it," works as well (I don't have kids, but being a single girl, my family is DETERMINED to get me married and running around pregnant before my grandparents die (don't you want your grandparents to see you get married? Yes, that sounds delightful!)
Oh my goodness. The guilt trips. I am not a big enough person to be gracious about guilt trips. You are a stronger lady than I :)
DeleteI think you have enough good advice, but I'll just chime in with an ARGH. I've been there too.
ReplyDeleteARGH indeed :)
Deletei'm just sitting here, madly taking mental notes. excellent & helpful advice, other people!
ReplyDeleteI know, right? The internet is like a super awesome magic 8-ball.
DeleteOh gosh, that sounds really frustrating. We get that a lot from people we know about our puppy - not nearly the same thing, but I kind of identify. What we usually do is the "oh, yeah, that's interesting" followed by the "yeah, we make decisions together about things so we'll have to look into it." And then if there's follow up, "yeah we decided it wasn't how we want to go with Emma." It sucks because sometimes you have to repeat yourself (a LOT), but most of the time people get the picture. Good luck, yo.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with the repeating. I feel like I'm being rude (which is so silly because THEY'RE BEING RUDE BY MAKING ME REPEAT MYSELF!)
DeleteI think you just need to keep some dour statistics in your back pocket. So, when someone asks you why you didn't do something, you can tell them, "Did you know that 78% of kids who commit suicide were pushed too hard by their parents?" (or some nonsense like that - ps, that's not a real statistic - totall made up). I think stuff like that can quiet people who don't hear the message the first twenty times. Or, probably a less aggressive method would be to nod your head, let your eyes glaze over and hit your face with your palm when they're not looking.
ReplyDeleteI dealt with this problem a lot as a first time mom and also had a hard time turning down the advice, or getting people to stop badgering me. Eventually I would politely listen and say thanks for sharing your find, idea, perfect baby food, etc., I'll take a look at it later. When the person would question me later I would just say it's not the right fit for us. People will still say why not? Then I would just say I'd rather not talk about it because I know they love the product.
ReplyDeleteThe repeating part is frustrating, but I find if you don't give a big explanation they'll back off quicker. With an explanation they'll start arguing their point of view. Just my two centst:)
I think you were talking about a stranger's advice giving the other day on twitter and I skimmed this post which sounds similar but I'm too busy juggling my glasses destroyer baby to read. So this made me think of you: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/hello-stranger-on-the-street-could-you-please-tell-me-how-to-take-care-of-my-baby
ReplyDelete