Goodbye My Friend

November 30th.

I did it.

I posted every day in November.

I am so happy it's finished and I can go back to posting randomly. 

Oh The Good Old Hockey Game

Shawn is out enjoying a boys' night so I'm stuck at home with the puppies, trying to watch the Canucks game and not lose my mind. Contrary to popular belief, two puppies does not equal two times the fun. Two puppies equals two times the pee and two times the poop and roughly ten times the noise and craziness. Bringing home a new puppy has made me realize that if Shawn and I ever decide to switch to human babies, we should probably stick to having just one. I say this because Wolfgang has been with us for four days and I kind of don't like him. Isn't that horrible? I'd elaborate but someone (the bad one, aka the one who still has his jerkface extra-pointy baby teeth) is chewing my typing hand. 

A Ginger Sunset Is My Caress

I've started compiling recipes for my Christmas baking. So far I've decided to make Angella's Whipped Shortbread, Martha Stewart's Rosemary Butter Cookies, and my mom's gingersnaps.

I need some suggestions though. Does anyone have a recipe for lemon shortbread? Does anyone have a fabulous chocolate cookie recipe? What is your favourite Christmas cookie?

We're Howling Forever

Crazy Insane Got No Brain

I know it's only Wednesday but I'm going to get all Friday Faff up on you. This is due to me getting minimal sleep last night. Why did I get minimal sleep last night? Our New! Puppy! had a rough first night away from his momma. That's right, Stella has a little brother. Wolfgang (gah! love it!) is a miniature schnauzer yorkie cross. He is 8 weeks old and weighs about 4 lbs and oh my word he is just the cutest little thing you could imagine. When my brain starts working again I will post pictures.

Last night was rough. We've got the pups in separate crates that we pushed together so Wolfie wouldn't feel so alone. He cried most of the night. When he tired himself out and actually fell asleep, Stella would start whining and wake him up. I predict fun times ahead.

In other faffy news, I just joined Twenty Something Bloggers. I do realize that I'm the last person in the world to join and I'm not going to lie, I am overwhelmed. Can someone please explain it to me? Is it like facebook? What is with this "friends" business?

Last, but definitely not least, the big news of the day is that Westy is coming home tonight. Last week he got traded from Penticton (400 km from where I live, so a very doable 5 hour drive) to Drumheller. Drumheller is in the middle of nowhere. It's halfway through Alberta, which means it's a 13 hour drive (through the Rockies!) from where I live. This made us all very sad. Long story short, Westy played 2 games there, realized that he hates Drumheller, and requested a trade. He flies home tonight. He's been traded to a local team so he'll be living with my parents again. So, uh, fun times ahead for him too.

So there you go, all the faffy things running through my head today. I'm hoping to skive off work early today to get home to my puppppies! And to sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep. How I miss thee.

Pepper Your Thoughts With Spice

Last week my mom went to a farmers' market and brought home some peppers for me and my sisters. I went to grab one last night for dinner and had a true wtf moment:


It was bizarre on so many different levels.

Farmers' markets = Nascar?

Sweet bell peppers = Nascar?

Canada = Nascar?

I am confused. Nascar is car racing, right? When I think of Nascar, I think of fast cars and people sitting around in lawn chairs drinking beer and eating barbecued meat from the back of their pickup trucks. I don't think of fresh produce.

Am I missing something?

I Know The Way You Feel Like The Rains Outside

Yesterday we took Stella to the dog park with Shawn's mom's dog to enjoy the fact that it's November and it's not raining. This November has been unusually dry; I feel like I shouldn't even type that because I'm sure to wake up to torrential rain tomorrow.


Shawn's mom's dog, Cleo, is some sort of whippet cross so she loves to run. She would do these leisurely laps around the park and Stella would be running full-tilt trying to keep up. It was pretty humourous.

Cleo waited until Stella caught up to her and then took off

These pictures are a bit too small to tell, but I tried to capture the adorable floppiness of Stella's ears when she runs. Also, the skin roll - she hasn't fully grown into her skin so she's got this extra skin flap that rolls forward and back when she runs quickly.

the skin roll

the ear flap

Stella's angry face

nose to the ground in true beagle fashion

Cleo is really patient but she does have her limits; when Stella pushes her too far, Cleo pins her to the ground and reminds her who's in charge

the park was huge but Stella just want to play in the one mud puddle she could find

Baby I'm Amazed By You

I'm watching Amazing Race right now. A few thoughts:

I hope Toni and Dallas win it all. Dallas is pretty much the cutest thing ever.

Tina scares me. I feel like she would be less scary if her eyebrows were less arched.

I feel like Nick might have a crush on his sister.

How are Andrew and Dan still around? Seriously.

Say My Name Say My Name If No One Is Around You Say "Baby I Love You"

Stolen from the Over-Thinker because I am tired and incapable of coming up with another post (please pleeeeaaaase can November be over?):

It's All In A Name

1. Witness Protection Name (mother's & father's middle names)

Ruth Edward

2. Nascar Name (first name of your mother's dad & father's dad)

Clifford Edward

3. Star Wars Name (the first 2 letters of your last name & first 4 letters of your first name)

Wehill

4. Detective Name (favourite colour & favourite animal)

Plum Puppy

5. Soap Opera Name (middle name & city where you live)

Dawn Metro Vancouver

6. Superhero Name (2nd favourite colour & favourite alcoholic drink, optionally add "The" to the beginning)

The Navy Gin & Tonic

7. Fly Name (first 2 letters of first name & last 2 letters of your last name)

Hier 

8. Gangsta Name (favourite ice cream flavour & favourite cookie)

chocolate peanut butter peanut butter chocolate chip, yo

9. Rock Star Name (current pet's name & current street name)

Stella Victoria

10. Porn Name (first pet's name & street you grew up on)

Smudgie Chateau Wynd 

Be My, Be My, Be My Little Rock And Roll Queen

I am feeling particularly faffy today. I'm guessing it has something to do with there only being two other people in the office this morning. So far we've gossiped about the people who aren't in today, made about 17 coffees and chatted about our upcoming Christmas party. I'm trying to talk myself out of running across the street to Timmy Ho's for donuts. I'm losing the battle.

Thank you for all the Happy Birthday, Hillary's Mom comments. If my mom knew about my blog, I'm sure she'd be tickled to know that you all left her a comment.

I'm not going to faff about the rash because my new tactic is to deny its existence. How can it make me itchy if it's not there? Right? I will say, though, that I did try Jess's suggestion of putting vinegar on it and wow, did that sting like a bitch. Also, I smelled like a bloody chip shop. It did make me laugh afterwards though, so thanks Jess!

Moving on. Last night Shawn and I made pizza for dinner. We didn't have time to make pizza dough so we bought a crust. We are so healthy so we topped it with spinach, red peppers and mushrooms (on Shawn's half):

Then we remembered that we are fat kids so we added chicken breast, bacon, caramelized onions and goats cheese:


We topped it all off with roughly 49 lbs of mozzarella and called it a day.

Best pizza ever.

Stella was going nuts while Shawn grated the cheese. She tried valiantly to get at it but failed. I feel the need to point out the cuteness that is her butt roll. She hasn't yet grown into her skin completely so she still has saggy bits. It brings me joy.

My puppy will do anything for food. Even sit completely still while I try to take photos of her with no flash. I ended up with yellow-tinged photos but at least I didn't get that crazy-possessed-dog-white-eye thing happening.



Happy Friday!

When It's Just Me And She You Know It's Never Precarious But Sharing With Your Buddies Is Hilarious

Because if I'm tired of complaining about being sick you surely must be tired of reading about it, I give you:

Google Searches That Have Brought People To My Blog

I use site meter to satisfy my curiosity about who visits my blog. I use the free edition so I don't have access to extensive information, but I do get to see the random google searches that have directed people to my blog. After writing about getting dosed with GHB at a bar, I started to get really disturbing google searches (people wanting information on how to make GHB, people wanting to view videos of men having sex with women who have been dosed with GHB, etc.) so I stopped checking site meter to prevent my head from melting. I've since decided, however, that the amusement I get from non-offensive google searches outweighs the anger I feel at the realization that the world is full of shitty people who search for shitty information on shitty illegal drugs used to assault women. I just need to filter.

In the last month, the following google searches have brought people to my blog:

'how to get drunk and not vomit'

'wiggling inside puppy stomach'

'I get drunk most every night'

'is black rum good for health'

'does cold weather make it harder to get drunk'

'sound you make when you sneeze'

'you're about as reliable as a'

'can you use pork chops to make pulled pork'

and my personal favourite: 'moose tits graffiti'

Do you monitor the google searches that direct people to your blog? What is the best search that has directed someone to your blog?

You See It's Too Much To Ask For And I Am Not The Doctor

First of all, THANK YOU for all your comments and suggestions.

Secondly, umm, please may I have some more suggestions?

Am still itchy.

Since yesterday's post I:

showered in tepid water instead of my usual so-hot-it-burns-your-skin water (this resulted in me being cold and itchy)

tried to explain to the pharmacist why I didn't want to take anti-histamines and could she PLEASE JUST SUGGEST SOMETHING THAT DOES THE SAME THING AS ANTI-HISTAMINES WITHOUT MAKING ME LOOPY (this resulted in me being frustrated and itchy)

barely succeeded in not biting off the pharmacist's head when she said "Oh so you want the maaaaagic pills then?" (this resulted in me being shouty and itchy)

spent another $10 on anti-itch LIES, bringing my grand total to $75 spent on this rash (this resulted in me being broke and itchy)

discovered new rashy bits in the creasy part of my ears (this resulted in me being sad and itchy)

So to summarize: I AM ITCHY.

Just to clarify, pityriasis rosea is kind of like eczema in that it's dry, rashy skin but it's also not like eczema in that it's thought to be caused by a virus whereas eczema is an allergic reaction to something (oh hi, I'm the ideal employee who spent 19 hours on google yesterday instead of working.) So even though I'm slathering on various cremes and lotions and using fragrance-free earth-friendly (so I'm assuming human-friendly) laundry detergent, there's really nothing I can except wait out the rash and try to manage the itchiness.

Oh hey, funny story. Did I tell you how long I would be waiting out the rash? Six to eight weeks. Isn't that a riot? I get to be itchy and disgusting for six to eight weeks! And that's just the average. Pityriasis rosea has been known to last for up to fourteen weeks (it's also been known to last for as few as four weeks but this is my blog and if I want to be bitchy and fatalistic, damn it I will.)

Right. So this is completely unrelated, but does anyone have a nice lemon shortbread recipe they want to share? I want to make lemon shortbread for Christmas but I've never made shortbread before and I'm scared to screw it up. I need a foolproof recipe, please and thanks!

Yours Was The Hardest Itch To Relieve

Internets, I need your help.

I hesitated posting about this because I am equal parts disgusted and embarrassed but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I am so itchy. I am so itchy because I have a disgusting and embarrassing rash.

It started off a little over a week ago as a small patch of dry skin on my chest. I thought nothing of it; my skin is usually on the drier side of normal and every winter it morphs into the more normal side of dry skin. No biggie.

Then it started to spread. Suddenly I had four spots of dry skin. Then seven spots. Seven spots of dry skin that weren't like normal dry skin; they were raised and red and itchy.

So I went to a doctor. Not my doctor (I still don't have a new one) but a walk-in clinic. I saw a lovely doctor (who works solely out of the clinic and doesn't take on patients *sigh*) who told me I have pityriasis rosea, which is a really fancy way of saying that I have a rash. A disgusting and embarrassing rash. Disgusting because it's red and flaky and spreading quickly. Embarrassing because I've never really had skin issues before (except for really sensitive face-skin and mild acne during my teenage years) and it's making me want to hide.

As far as disgusting and embarrassing rashes go, I've got it pretty easy. I'm not contagious; I'm not likely to scar unless I scratch my skin right off (which actually sounds really good right now,) and (so far) my rash is contained to areas that are not unusual to keep covered at work (e.g. I have worn long sleeves to work every day since my rash spread to my inner elbow crack.)

I can live with the flakiness and the redness. I can live with the comments Shawn has made about my diseased boobs (yes, the rash is now on my boobs. Rock.) It's the itchiness that is making me slowly lose my mind. I cannot think of anything except how itchy I am and how weird it is that I am itchy all over, even in places that are rash-free. I am never not itchy and it's been this way for over a week now.

I've cut out soap and moisturizer and switched to oatmeal body wash and lotion (goodbye $20 from my fun budget.) I filled the $30 prescription for steroids and anti-fungal ointment (even though pityriasis rosea isn't caused by a fungus, it's really easy to catch a secondary fungal infection if you, you know, shower on a regular basis) (why did I feel the need to share all that? Because I am embarrassed! I feel germy! And digusting!) I was so desperate to stop itching that I even went out last night and bought anti-histamine pills (and waved goodbye to an additional $15 from my fun budget, bringing my total spent on this rash to a depressing $65.)

I hate anti-histamine pills. I have bizarre reactions to anti-histamine pills. I took half of a regular-strength pill this morning and I still feel funny. It's difficult to describe but I feel simultaneously dead-tired and hyped-up on caffeine, my eyes are really sensitive to light and I have dry mouth. Oh, and I'm still fucking itchy.

So internets, this is where you come in. What are your itch remedies? I will try anything at this point, especially if it's inexpensive. If you don't have a remedy for me to try, at least tell me a joke to cheer me up. Please? First person to either cure my itch or make me laugh wins my eternal love and gratitude.

But Tell Me How Do My Leftovers Taste

I love party leftovers.

I'm eating lunch right now and I can't stop grinning because it's so excellent.

I'm eating one of those fancy apple/pear things. I don't know the proper name. I looked on the little sticker that was stuck to it to see what the office name is and it said "Delicious Pear. To Gentle Pressure." I don't know what that means. I also still don't know what the proper name is, so 'fancy apple/pear thing' will have to suffice.

Along with my fancy apple / pear thing, I am eating a hunk of Jarlsberg cheese, a few slice of salami (which is in direct violation of my No Processed Meat Except Bacon rule; however, it being Monday I don't give a damn) and a shameful amount of nanaimo bars.

And I have a lemon cupcake with cream cheese frosting in the fridge for later. Hi! I'm Hillary and I have no willpower.

Mermanda from Cusp of Normal bestowed this gem of wisdom on me today and I feel the need to pass it on:

"You should never put off bacon that you can eat today until tomorrow. Bacon tomorrow is never promised, as they say."

Truer words were never spoken.

In addition to her sparkling wit, today's post also features her 101 Things in 1001 Days List. Check it out! Play along! I'm thinking of making a list of my own, if I ever stop being a lazy bastard.

Mama I Love You Mama I Care

Along with her nose, her skin and her baby fine hair, I also inherited my mother's rotten sense of direction and her impressive mastery of the guilt-trip. 

If I'm lucky, I will inherit her ability to maintain her youth.  She does not look sixty years old:

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Love, Dill

You Look Like A Monkey And You Smell Like One Too

We're entering hour five of my Mom's surprise party. The crowd is thinning out. We have so much food left over. My brain is sleepy. My feet hurt. I am ruing the day I promised the Over-Thinker that I would post daily. In fact, I am shaking my fist at the Over-Thinker right now.

Okay that's a lie. I'm shaking my fist at myself and my stupid promises.

Pictures to come tomorrow!

Fresh As Frost Out On The Pumpkin

Just in time for American Thanksgiving, I am sharing my grandma's pumpkin pie recipe. I'm not going to lie, it's the best pumpkin pie I have ever tasted. It's nice and light and not too much to handle after gorging yourself on turkey.

Pumpkin Chiffon Pie

1 envelope unflavoured gelatin

1/4 cup cold water

1-1/4 cup pure pumpkin puree

1/2 cup milk

1 cup sugar - divided

1/2 tsp ginger

1/2 tsp nutmeg

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp salt

3 eggs - separated

cooked pie shell

I am lazy and do not make my own pastry. Store-bought crust is smaller than homemade crust and holds less filling, so this recipe makes too much for one store-bought crust. Sometimes I just eat the extra filling like custard but sometimes I use the extra filling to make tarts. This recipe makes enough filling for one store-bought crust and 12 mini tarts.

Bake your crust well in advance. It should be completely cool before you add your filling.

Using a double-boiler is not an option for this recipe. If, like me, you do not have a double-boiler, use a bowl over a pot. You don't want the pot to have too much water in it - the water shouldn't be touching the bottom of the bowl. You do want enough water that it doesn't boil away while you're cooking, though.

Soften the gelatin in cold water. To do this, all you need to do is sprinkle the gelatin over the water (don't stir) and let it sit for 15 minutes.


In the top of your double-boiler, mix together egg yolks, 1/2 cup sugar, milk, pumpkin, salt, and spices.

Cook, stirring often, until thick. This will take a good 15 - 20 minutes. If you don't cook it enough at this stage, your pie will end up runny.

Remove from heat and stir in gelatin.

Let filling cool for about half an hour before moving onto the next step.

Crap! I forgot to take a picture of the next step. You will have to use your imagination.

Beat egg whites until foamy. Gradually add the remaining sugar while beating egg whites until stiff peaks form.

Fold into pumpkin mixture.

Pour into crust and chill. Serve with whipped cream.

Under This Charming Calm

I apologise for the lack of quality content here this week. I've been in bed, feeling sorry for myself because of a stupid head cold. I even tweeted about it last night. Charming Bitch (do you read her? You should. She is funny and honest and incredibly generous and selfless) tweeted back, telling me she hopes I feel better soon.

This morning I was over on her blog, reading about how she has been diagnosed with cancer.

So just to sum up: I am a whiny asshole. Charming Bitch is lovely and everyone should head over to her blog to show some support. The end.

Feeling Hot Hot Hot

Last weekend, before I contracted the black lung, I made 48 jars of hot pepper jelly for my mom's birthday party. And yes, it was as horrible as it sounds.

For one batch (sixteen 125ml jars) you need one red pepper, one green pepper and six jalapeno peppers.

Wearing gloves is advisable when cutting up jalapeno peppers. Stella lost her shit when I brought out the gloves. I have no idea why. 

Dice everything up really small. 

In a large pot, mix peppers, 6 - 1/2 cups of white sugar, 1 - 1/2 cups apple cider vinegar and 1 tablespoon of margarine or butter (to prevent foaming.)

Heat on high heat, stirring constantly, until you reach a full boil (keeps boiling while you stir.) Stir in 1 pouch of liquid Certo. Bring back to a boil and boil hard for 1 minute, while stirring.

Pour into sterilized jars and process (I did mine in a water bath.)

This jelly is so yummy on crackers with cheese.

No-one To Love Him At All

Sooo ... still stick. Still have nothing to write about. Still hate this posting-every-day goal I set.

Unless you want to hear about how I had to drag myself to work this morning to show my face so that my boss wouldn't accuse me of scamming a 4-day weekend. 

Tomorrow is a stat holiday which means pancakes and bacon. Things are looking up.

Poor Little Bug On The Wall

So this whole posting every day thing becomes more difficult when all you've done all day is lay about in your pyjamas and wish for death. 

There is a slight possibility I had too much to drink last night (oh and if I either a: commented on your blog, b: emailed you, or c: facebooked you, I'm sorry. Please disregard everything I said.)

I woke up this morning hungover with a cold as an added bonus. A cold that is preventing me from eating anything because my throat! The pain! 

Hangover + no food + nasty head cold = Hillary stays in bed all day watching copious amounts of television. It's a damn good thing I had so much on the PVR. I haven't watched a rerun yet today and that becomes so much more impressive when you know that it's 5pm now and I woke up at 8am because my dog is a needy asshole (seriously, can she not hold it until a more respectable hour? Like afternoon?) 

I have to go now. The Amazing Race is about to start and even though I have a rule against watching tv in real time (I do not watch commercials,) it's either that or start watching Shawn's pvr-ed shows (yes that is a verb.) I don't think I've reached the point of watching Top Gear yet. I'd rather sleep.

The City Is Flowing Through You That's What You've Become

Turtle and I saw David Usher play at the Commodore last night.

It was fabulous. 

I may have a tiny crush on David Usher.

And by "tiny crush" I mean "raging boner."

That voice! The hair! Those arms!

Yes, please.

Come back soon, David!