Saturday, 13 September 2008

You Are Going To Find A Way To Fix What's Broken

Last night Shawn met me downtown after work so we could pick up our costumes for the "white trash" party we're going to tonight. It's the birthday party of a close friend of Shawn's, so instead of trying to explain how offensive it is to be having a white trash party, I'm just shutting up and going along with it. The thing is, this friend is a little WT anyway. We were over there a few weeks ago, having a few beers on his patio. When you finish your beer? You throw the can over the railing into the yard.

So we get our supplies (yes, I will be posting pictures tomorrow) and decide to get hot dogs from a street vendor. We were both hungry and didn't feel like bothering with the Friday night crowd at a restaurant. So street meat it was. And it was fabulous.

We came home and decided to open a bottle of champagne. Because hot dogs and champagne are a good combo. Don't judge. The thing is, once you open a bottle of champagne you have to drink the entire bottle of champagne. Which we did. Which led to Shawn spilling a glass on the bed (and Stella, who was lying on the bed.) So I drunkenly tried to bathe Stella, which did not go well, while Shawn decided to order a pizza. After the disaster that was Stella's bath, I decided we needed more beverages. I grabbed the vodka out of the freezer and turned back to the counter. I didn't slam the freezer door but I kind of nudged it closed as I turned around. So I didn't see the bottle of wine that was precariously balanced on top of the fridge start to tip when the freezer door made contact. The bottle of (red) wine fell from the top of the fridge straight down onto the kitchen floor (ceramic tile) and shattered. It was the biggest mess I have ever been responsible for. So Shawn and I are picking up the glass and mopping up the wine and the freaking pizza arrives. Awesome. Shawn deals with the pizza man while I try to sop up the wine from the tile grout. The tile grout that I painstakingly applied sealant to last summer. Sealant that clearly did not work, as the tile grout is now stained a deep purple. Only in areas where the wine hit though, so right now we have multi-coloured tile grout. It looks like I will be painstakingly applying red wine to the tile grout this summer. Is this a bad idea? Because I'm not kidding - that's the only solution I can think of so far. Admittedly, I've only tried to think of a solution when I've been either a: drunk or b: hungover, so something may come to me when my head is feeling a bit more clear.

We eat our (cold) pizza and drink our beverages and the night is looking up again when Shawn walks into the den and knocks a picture off the wall, sending it crashing to the den floor to shatter in a million pieces.

And then we go to bed.

This morning my head huts, my feet and fingertips are covered in tiny cuts, my kitchen floor is a different colour than it was yesterday morning, there are wine-stained rags in a heap on my balcony and my condo (and dog) smell like a winery. I think the universe is trying to tell me something, I just can't figure out what.


  1. For all that trouble, you should have had a house party!

    So did you pick up a dirty baby? Ultimate accessory, I'm tellin' ya.

    For the grout---go to this site and answer the questions and they'll give you a product that will remove the stain:

    I'm such a renaissance woman!

  2. Bah, that sucks that so much glass etc was broken! Your poor fingers and toes!
    I'm going out tonight, so I'm sure I'll have some sort of stories to share tomorrow...

  3. That is one hell of an evening. I would consider scrubbing the grout with rags that you soak in bleach first (while wearing gloves) but before actually doing that, call Home Depot and ask them.

  4. "I think the universe is trying to tell me something, I just can't figure out what."

    Switch to white wine? :P

    Seriously though, I'm sorry about your bad night and the wasted wine!

  5. Geeze, lady. I think that message from the universe was "Champagne is evil." The last time I had champagne, boyfriend wasted half of it when it foamed everywhere during the opening "pop." Now that I know what it is capable of, I have to say I'm kind of glad I didn't have to drink more than one glass.

  6. HAHAHAHAHA! It WAS Cheerios! That's so funny. I guess you and my boyfriend are kindred spirits.

  7. I agree with the comment to switch to white wine. I haven't stained anything ;)

  8. That's fucking brilliant. (Sometimes, only British terminology will work.)

  9. Eating hot dogs from a street vendor is kinda white trash. Believe me, I know.

  10. As I read this, I find it hard to believe that I've never done something similar before. That totally sucks, in almost all regards.

  11. oh man. that sounds like the way my nights go half the time. i'm sorry about the grout :-( i have no grout-cleaning suggestions, alas. staining the rest with wine sounds reasonable to me, which is why you probably shouldn't ever take my advice :)

  12. Jamie: It was bizarre!

    Over-Thinker: Ohhh you are brilliant!

    Meg: Yes, share your stories of drunken debauchery so I don't feel so bad.

    Green: I didn't even think of bleach. What would I do without the internet?

    Zoo: Good one! I was hoping the universe wasn't trying to tell me to stop drinking.

    Amanda: Personally, I think Cheerios smell more like sweaty feet than cat piss, but whatever. When in Rome...

    Angella: It's good advice.

    J: Agreed!

    Thomas: We were trying to get into character.

    Noelle: I know, right? It was such a weird night.

    Alice: I thought it was a good idea! No-one else seems to think so though :)

  13. Ha, this is totally how some of my drunken nights go. In the morning I wonder why the hell my purse is spilled all over the floor and I'm not wearing any pants.