Monday, 8 September 2008

I Hate The World Today You're So Good To Me I Know But I Can't Change

Dear Car Dealership Lady,

I want to apologize for my bad behavior on Saturday. It's just that when you told me that I didn't have an appointment (not "I don't have your appointment marked down" or "someone must have recorded it on the wrong day" but "you don't have an appointment today *eye roll,* *sigh,* *sneer*") it stressed me out. It stressed me out because Shawn and I had already driven for over an hour to drop his car off at his dealership and then make it to your dealership on time for my 10:30 appointment. The 10:30 appointment that had been booked for days. And then, when you told me that it would "be awhile," I may have raised my voice a little. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Car Dealership Lady. I've worked in the customer service industry before. I know how much abuse you must deal with. I know that customers can be angry, bitter people. That's why I always try to be especially kind to customer service representatives. The fact that you pushed me over the edge, and so quickly, really is a testament to the combination of snarkiness, disdain and general bitchiness that you've managed to cultivate. So no, I was not willing to "leave the car and come back in a few hours" like you so helpfully suggested. I didn't mean to make your life difficult, it's just that I had another appointment I had to be at that afternoon and we had planned our day down to the minute. I'm glad that your manager stepped in at that point and told me my car would be serviced next. Things could have ended there. We could have gone our separate ways and never had to see each other again (rest assured I will not be bringing my car back to your dealership ever again.) But you had to engage me again; you couldn't leave well enough alone. You see, the only reason I brought my car back to the dealership was because my first service was free. So when you asked me to sign the slip of paper (that said I acknowledged the $49.95 fee) and I refused, I don't think you should have acted to surprised. I don't care that the salesperson that sold me the car doesn't work there anymore. I don't care that the dealership was sold to another company. I don't care that it's no longer company policy to give the first service free. It was policy when I bought the car. End of story. The eye rolls and exaggerated sighs were not necessary (or appreciated.) Nor was the muttered, "I'll see what I can do."

In the end, my car was serviced for free and barring any future warranty issue with my car, you and I will never have to see each other again. So Car Dealership Lady, I'd like to take this chance to apologize for the scathing letter I sent to your boss.



* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Matt,

I've been seeing you for 4 years. For 4 years you have been trying to convince me to go blonder! shorter! more layered! with bangs! For 4 years I have been telling you to take half an inch off the bottom. So when I sat down in your chair on Saturday, I was excited. "Take it all off!" I told you. "There's no limit! Do whatever you want!" I had high hopes, Matt. High hopes that you so cruelly dashed when you turned the chair around to the mirror and showed me my new hair. My new Weather Girl hair. My flippy at the bottom Weather Girl hair. There are no words. I hate you.


* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Stella,

I know that you hate your puppy seat belt. The problem is that you hate being in your crate in the car even more. When you're in your crate, you cry and you howl and I cannot concentrate on driving. I tried letting you free in the car, but that almost ended in disaster when you dove down to my feet while I was driving. The puppy seat belt is our compromise (oh how I wish I could explain compromise to you.) The puppy seat belt goes around you like a harness and attaches to my passenger side seat belt. You're attached to the car, so you can't get tangled in my feet, but you're close enough that I can still pet you. Win win, right? So why do you hate the puppy seat belt? Why do you chew the puppy seat belt? More importantly, why do you chew the car seat belt? I know it's just two little pieces of plastic that you chewed but I had it priced while I was (patiently) waiting for my car to be serviced on Saturday. To fix the two little pieces of plastic, the entire seat belt system needs to be replaced. The parts alone will cost $1100. So obviously I'm not getting the car fixed. And you, obviously, will be traveling in the crate from now on. Asshole.

Love Mom

* * * * * * * * * *

To my menstrual cramps, headache, lower back pain and sore ankles (tell me this is a result of non-supportive (but cute!) shoes and not my period and I will eat your face),

Go the fuck away.


* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Shawn,

Thanks for inviting your pretty, skinny, smart, judgey friend over for dinner tonight when I'm fat, bloated and have bad hair (not to mention a half-organised kitchen and a dirty bathroom.)

You better bring home ice cream. And pick up your socks.

Your loving wife,

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Chocolate,

Thank you for being you.

I will love you forever,


  1. I'm sorry muffin.
    Stick with chocolate. It will see you through anything.
    And perhaps a heating pad for the cramps?

  2. omg i am laughing WITH you, dahling.

    can i see your hair already or WHAT??


    have a better week, dammit.

  3. Aww! I'm sorry for the sucky day you're having, but this totally made me laugh. Hope your day improves soon!

  4. Wow - I'm sorry you are having such a crummy start to your week, but you definitely improved mine. Thanks for the laugh.

  5. um, is that the pretty, skinny, smart, judgey friend that saves small children for a living?

  6. Meg: Thanks. I have eaten far too much chocolate today. I almost don't want to eat any more. I said almost.

    Jess: Nooooo! Well .... maybe. We'll see.

    Sharon: Thanks!

    Jane: Happy to oblige. Well, not that happy.

    T: YES! I am gnashing my teeth at you right now. Even though it's not your fault.

  7. I'm with Jess. I'm sure the haircut can't be that bad, and that our reassuring words would do you good :)

    Sorry to hear your day is sucky. But glad that you have chocolate there to help you through!

  8. Dear Hills,

    I've had a conversation with the Car Dealership lady. She's enjoying her new job at McDonald's--in fact, she's "loving it!"

    I penciled Matt in for some "chair-time" this afternoon. He's now sporting a bowl-cut, tipped in red.

    Stella and I had a discussion today wherein she promised that she will make-up the seatbelt-chewtoy incident by horking up something that won't come out with ANYTHING into PSSJ's shoes when she's over again for a visit.

    Also, Chocolate has agreed to kick menstrual cramps' & bloaties' ass and says to tell you that she loves your shoes.



    Every single piece of this cracked my ass up!!

    I needed that. Thanks!

  10. Holy crap! You've had quite a week. I can't believe you reserved the word asshole for Stella, though, instead of the car people. Obviously, it's a term of endearment and love.

    I hate hair people that think they know better, like underpaid artists. "You just don't understand my art." Fuckers. I understand what you did to my gorgeous hair. My hair was so traumatized over the years, its been leaving me.

  11. Yikes, sorry your week got started off on the wrong foot. But you did make me laugh.

    Hope today is much better!

  12. Oh how I echo (loudly) so many of your sentiments. Well said, my friend, well said!

  13. hee. those are excellent letters. although i shall be needing to see a photo of the hair, STAT :-)

  14. Dear HiLLary,

    I am:
    1. Shocked and confused as to how I have never read your blog until today.

    2. Adding you to my reader immediately.

    3. Possibly in love with you.

    4. Stealing your dog.

    5. Feeding you chocolate so you either forget/don't notice me stealing your dog.