Thursday, 29 January 2009

Not A Letter From An Occupant

Dear Boy I Had A Major Crush On In Highschool Who I Literally Ran Into On The Street Outside My Building This Morning:

I haven't seen you in, oh, eight years or so but you are still looking good. Your dimples are as cute as ever. I just wanted to let you know that usually I brush my hair before I leave the house in the morning but this morning I was a bit rushed. I wear makeup now too! (but not until I get to work because, you know, there's no point in wasting valuable sleeping time putting on mascara because really, who sees me before I get to work? Oh that's right, today you saw me.) Also, I don't normally wear wrinkled trousers to work - I do know how to work an iron, I just didn't have time this morning. Actually, I was planning on wearing my cute little wool dress today with adorable dark red tights, but then it was raining and it looked cold and I didn't have time to check the weather network so I just threw on the first thing I found in my closet. In the dark (because Shawn's not working this morning.) So Boy I Had A Major Crush On In Highschool, if you could maybe try to picture me wearing the cute wool dress with the adorable red tights, with brushed hair and makeup on, instead of all wrinkled and disheveled like I actually was, I'd much appreciate it.

The Wrinkly One

PS: I did not appreciate your tone when you asked "So are you living around here?" Yes, there is a lot of crack in my neighbourhood but there is no crack in my house and that is an important distinction to make. Besides, you're the one going to school there. What are you learning to be? A crack dealer? Oh snap!

PPS: It would have been nice if you could have worked your schedule into our conversation somehow so that I could, you know, take the other route to the train station on those days. Just sayin'.

Dear Lady On The Train Who Sat In The Middle Of The Floor And Read A Newspaper:

Was it necessary to sit on the floor? If you really couldn't stand for the thirty minutes it takes to get downtown, you could have asked for a courtesy seat. People are jerks but I've been riding the train for over a year now and I've never seen anyone outright refuse to give up a courtesy seat when asked. By sitting on the floor, you were taking up about the same amount of floor space of four standing passengers. Could you feel the rage of the 60 other train passengers directed toward you? Maybe you shouldn't take the train during rush hour. Just a suggestion.

A Disgruntled Passenger

Dear Shawn,

Hypothetically speaking, if your wife devotes a large portion of her evening (every evening, for a week!) painting the condo, acceptable comments for you to make would include:

"Wow! You are such a good painter!"
"Your painting talent amazes me!"
"This is the best paint job I have ever seen!"

Unacceptable comments include (but are not limited to):

"You didn't use painter's tape to make a crease?"
and "I'm not criticizing your work, I'm just saying that if you used painter's tape, it would look better!"

Your wife knows how painter's tape works, in theory. You wife also knows (FROM EXPERIENCE) that it doesn't really work that well and it's easier to just touch up the uneven crease later.

The One Who Makes Your Dinner And Will Spit In Said Dinner If You Make Any More Snotty Comments About The Quality Of The Paint Job

Dearest Wolfgang,

I know that my arrival home from work is the highlight of your day. I realize that it is a Very! Exciting! Thing! and sometimes you can't contain yourself. Was it really necessary to headbutt me in the mouth, though? My tooth is still throbbing. I don't have dental insurance and if I need to go to the dentist because of this, it's coming directly out of your college fund.

The One Who Can't Put Any Pressure On Her Front Tooth Without Pain

Dear Vancouver Canucks:

You had a 3-1 lead. How could you lose 5-3? To Nashville, the lowest scoring team in the Western Conference. Smarten up!

A Former Fan


  1. Wow! Talk about a small world. Bumping into an ex-crush from highschool!

    I think all men make the same comments to their women. Tape needs to be put on their mouths, unless they have something nice to say.

  2. You'll always run into a hot guy when you look like shit.

    it's the law.

  3. There are times when I am glad I do not have TSN, and thus do not have to watch the Canucks play like they apparently did last night.

    This season is looking a hell of a lot like the team did in the late 90's. Holy crap were those some awful games. I'm still on the bandwagon, and always will be, but holy CRAP do we ever need to start winning again! Good lord.

  4. thats great! once i ran to the store for a quick item and ran into my old ex-fiance. i was wearing dirty sweatpants and a southpark tshirt and i felt like a total tool.

  5. What is going on with the Canucks?? We got discouraged when they tied so we went to bed & recorded the rest. We watched the ending this morning as we were getting ready...not a good way to start off the day!

  6. Just be grateful that Wolfgang only got you in the mouth. My dog literally broke my nose by headbutting me.

  7. It's so awkward running into old crushes. I still get that same anxious feeling in my stomach like I did when I was 15, even though I'm married now. Why is that?

  8. What is with the headbutting? Why do dogs do that? It can't possibly feel good to the dog, right?

    I hope that your tooth feels better!

  9. I am Very Disappointed in the Canucks right now. Hope your tooth feels better and Shawn realizes you're the best wall painter in the world!

  10. Cute wool dress with dark red stockings? Are there boots with that?

  11. New Pornographers reference? I sure hope so!

    Also, running into the old crush when you're in Shlubb Mode is one of my nightmares. This is why I wear make-up to bed. Yes. You read correctly. I never wash off my eyeliner. I will regret this someday, I'm sure.

  12. i love your letters!

    also, i now want to own this wool dress / red tight combo just on principle alone. it sounds ADORABLE.

  13. Oh the friggen headbutt to the face!? I can't handle that. I get that they want time with me, but I need time with my boot laces first. Don't eat my hat. Don't smash into my face.


  14. i'm always afraid i'm going to run into someone i know when i look a mess, i swear it's always a possibility here, haha.

  15. It never goes without fail... the worst I look the more people I see that I know.

  16. You never fail to have me falling off my chair with laugher - The English contingency feel that you are in the wrong job, sort it out Westi – time to put your energy into your talents (you know what we’re saying... crack dealer?? Kidding we want a book!!!) ... and its fkign weird hearing you call yourself a wife, it makes you sound grown up and responsible and I just can’t see it!

  17. Sitting on the floor of the train? Some people are so self absorbed, it boggles the mind. Just file that one under "people who are different from the rest of us."

  18. Ever since I started dating (and then marrying) Sweets, I've cared less and less about how I leave the house when going to work. There are days when make-up never even makes it to my face. And wrinkles are a regular. My bosses must think I'm homeless. hahaha.

  19. Maybe Wolfgang will get a scholarship...

  20. I found you on Bunships journal.

    If it contains cheese, I will eat it. I like reading the book better than seeing the movie. ~ I totally agree, but you lost me on the husband and the pug. Don't want/have either. People who leave their homes pristine every day have a disorder and need Lexapro.

  21. Dear Hills,
    Painter's tape, schmainter's tape.
    She sat on a train's floor? I hope she picked up a raging case of something. Dimple boy called and told me that he's become a bit of a loser and that the dimples are just press-on. Oh, and he's now gay.

    I hope those words of encouragement make it all better.


  22. *Crossing my fingers that my comments is approved*

  23. I'm surprised you didn't know about the evil laws of the universe that will always result in a run-in with a desirable member of the opposite sex when you look and feel your most unappealing.