Shawn and I fought last night. Not a loud fight. There was no name-calling. No ultimatums. It was a quiet fight; voices were steady; True Things were said. I hate fights that involve True Things. Noisy fights are easier to ignore. They flare up and are intense and fast and then they end and you can move on. You don't need to analyse noisy fights. Fights where True Things are said are fights that need to be taken seriously. Action needs to be taken. Change must be implemented. To dismiss True Things is to dismiss your partner and I cannot think of a more hurtful thing to do to someone than to dismiss their feelings.
The adage "don't go to bed angry" is not practiced in our relationship. A resolution cannot be found until we have both had time to cool off and mull over the situation independently, which means that sometimes (like last night) we go to bed angry. We hug the edge of the bed and jerk our feet away when they inadvertently find each other under the covers.
This morning we awkwardly navigated through our morning routine without making eye contact. It feels silly - but necessary - to shut myself off from this person who I love the most, who has the capacity to hurt me the most. I know that we will be fine, that this is just another reminder that anything worth having takes effort. An effortless relationship is a myth. We will be fine; we will muddle through this like we've muddled through everything else and soon we'll be back to that easy place. It's just difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when my eyes feeling crackly from too many tears and my brain is tired from unsettled sleep.
Today feels like a 2 chocolate bar day, stupid eat more vegetables resolution be damned.