Shawn and I fought last night. Not a loud fight. There was no name-calling. No ultimatums. It was a quiet fight; voices were steady; True Things were said. I hate fights that involve True Things. Noisy fights are easier to ignore. They flare up and are intense and fast and then they end and you can move on. You don't need to analyse noisy fights. Fights where True Things are said are fights that need to be taken seriously. Action needs to be taken. Change must be implemented. To dismiss True Things is to dismiss your partner and I cannot think of a more hurtful thing to do to someone than to dismiss their feelings.
The adage "don't go to bed angry" is not practiced in our relationship. A resolution cannot be found until we have both had time to cool off and mull over the situation independently, which means that sometimes (like last night) we go to bed angry. We hug the edge of the bed and jerk our feet away when they inadvertently find each other under the covers.
This morning we awkwardly navigated through our morning routine without making eye contact. It feels silly - but necessary - to shut myself off from this person who I love the most, who has the capacity to hurt me the most. I know that we will be fine, that this is just another reminder that anything worth having takes effort. An effortless relationship is a myth. We will be fine; we will muddle through this like we've muddled through everything else and soon we'll be back to that easy place. It's just difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when my eyes feeling crackly from too many tears and my brain is tired from unsettled sleep.
Today feels like a 2 chocolate bar day, stupid eat more vegetables resolution be damned.
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Exceptions can always be made. Hell, eat three candy bars if you need to.
ReplyDeleteOn days like today, chocolate is a vegetable.
ReplyDeleteDutchess: Don't tempt me.
ReplyDeleteMeg: Yes! I like the way you think.
This is kind of weird for me, because my Sean and I had a True Things talk last night. It sucked, it was rough, and even though we know that we'll wrestle through it, it completely drained me. And then I read your blog and was like, YES! Me too! So, thanks.
ReplyDeleteI guess in this case, it was nice that he works 24 hour shifts, because we didn't have to go to bed angry with each other - at least not in the same bed.
Good luck.
Awww, I'm sorry hon. That's tough. Really tough. And exactly why I cried the other night for a blogger I barely know. She recently announced after a difficult year of working on her marriage, she is getting divorced. I cried because, in the mere 3 months of my blissful marriage I've come to realize how much effort a *good* marriage takes ... and cannot fathom the exhaustion that comes with a marriage on the rocks. It's good to see that you know what you need to work through a spat - that's huge. Here's hoping today is a little better.
ReplyDeleteI think quite a few people had a fight with their loved one last night (me included).
ReplyDeleteIt's not fun, but like you said it happens. And you two will be ok.
Lots of hugs to you!
resolutions don't count on days like this. big hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteTrue things fights get shit done too. As rotten as they are, they're often worth it to clear the air and instigate a necessary change.
ReplyDeletePlus if it means getting to eat chocolate bars, have at it!
Cheesecake has cheese in it and cheese has calcium, so really it's a great thing for days like today. Feel better.
ReplyDeleteEat some chocolate. Hope it all boils over soon.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Ben that True Fights get stuff done. They feel awful for a bit, but once the emotions have calmed and the hugs and kisses have returned, things are always better than they were pre TF.
ReplyDeleteI'm also with you on it being okay to go to bed mad. Some people/couples just need time to digest and think.
In the meantime, enjoy all the chocolate you want :)
Ah, the True Fight. They really are good in the end.
ReplyDeleteHope tonight is better :)
chocolate is definitely a must. and i agree that a true fight will always be resolved, slowly but surely :)
ReplyDelete'Spose it wouldn't be a relationship (or marriage) without it. :( I'm with everyone else on the chocolate issue. Eat it eat it eat it.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree! The quick, angry, loud fights are the ones over stupid things when one of us is just having a bad day. True thing fights linger and linger for me.
ReplyDeleteThe tired eyes and foggy brain are just a constant reminder. I hope today is a better day.
True fights are so hard- but they're hard for good reasons. Just like personal change is tough, change in a relationship is tough. You'll get through this - and you guys will be better for it.
ReplyDeleteIn the mean time, I vote for more chocolate.
Relationships ARE work, anyone who thinks otherwise is deluding themselves. Hope things smooth out soon.
ReplyDeleteoooh god - hils so beautifully written! We had one of thoes a few weeks back - the bed thing...!!!!ahhhh so funny when you look back - but not at the time hey!
ReplyDelete