When I Call They Better See Me On Your Video Screen

A while back (I want to say last week but that might be inaccurate. I'd look it up but I'm lazy and tired) Ben offered to share his wisdom on any topic with his blog readers. Ben is pretty damn hilarious, so of course I took him up on it.

My question:

I like one of my dogs much more than I like the other dog. Does this make me a bad person? If I ever choose to procreate, should I stick to having one kid to prevent this situation from happening with my hypothetical future children? If I do have more than one child, and I do like one better than the other, is that really so bad? Won't it motivate the other kid to try harder to win my love? Also, should I stop comparing my dogs to kids? When friends and family members tell me boring stories about their boring babies and I come back at them with an awesome story about my hilarious dogs, they give me dirty looks. Who is the asshole in this situation? I'm pretty sure it's them because seriously, who cares if your month old baby is sleeping through the night? My puppy has a mohawk! Fabulous hair trumps sleeping patterns any day, right?

His response:



Hilarious, yes?

Check out Ben's blog later for a list of all of his awesomeness that is floating around today.

I Know We Are, We Are The Lucky Ones, Dear

I took the puppies to my parents' house last weekend to let them run around the backyard.

The pups started chowing down on this plant. They could not get enough of it. It was hilarious.

Hilarious ... until we got home and the pups started vomiting. A lot.

A frantic phone call to my dad to find out the name of the plant and a frenzied google search later, I found this website.

I searched for the plant name (iris) and read that the worst symptom the pups could have was vomiting and/or diarrhoea. Considering that some plants can cause seizures or coma or kidney failure or death (eep!) it was like winning the fucking lottery.

I feel so stupid. I watched my pups eating the plant and didn't stop them. The situation was completely avoidable but because of my stupidity, my pups suffered through an afternoon of gastrointestinal distress.

The pups recovered 100% by the next morning but my anxiety level remains high. I can't watch my pups all the time or control every single thing that goes in their mouth, but I have learnt my lesson. If we ever manage to get out of our condo and into a house, I will be tearing up every plant on our property and replacing it with puppy-friendly foliage.

Sing Me Spanish Techno

Shawn and I were out shopping on the weekend when he got a call and we had to go straight to the hospital. It's not my story to tell but I will say that everyone involved is okay and for once it wasn't me who needed the medical attention.

So. We go straight to the hospital.

It wasn't a hospital I'd been to (or heard of) before. We got a bit lost on the way there because the hospital is in the midst of a residential area and we didn't trust our navigation system as it took us along the winding, suburban streets.

We arrived and found Shawn's brother and the three of us entered the emergency room. It was a bit odd; the room was small-ish and very quiet. There were a lot of old people there, IV-pole in tow, and youngsters with sports injuries. We were the only people there in the mid-20's - mid-30's age range and we attracted a fair bit of attention. It wasn't until later that I realized why. Shawn was wearing a t-shirt with skulls and other skull-type things on it. His brother was wearing his motorcycle leathers. As for me, I was wearing this shirt:

(you can buy it here)

We were quite the motley crew, is what I'm saying.

It could have been worse. I could have been wearing my "MEAT IS MURDER. Tasty, tasty murder." shirt.

Sigh.

I guess the moral of this story is that I should throw out my t-shirt collection and start dressing like a grownup. The thought that I've reached that point in my life makes me die a little on the inside.

The Wriggling, Squiggling Worm Inside Devours From The Inside Out

Warning: This post is nasty. It's gross and horrible and if you're eating (or planning to eat soon) I recommend that you not read it. Seriously.

Raise your hand if you're a worm-free puppy!

I took Stella to the vet last night. I walked her there so that when we arrived she'd be tired and sweet. It didn't work. That was the first lesson of the night: Stella does not tire. Ever. The second lesson? When your vet mumbles something, instead of saying "uh, okay!", ASK HIM TO REPEAT HIMSELF. Otherwise, he might tell you to hold on to her and when you pull her close to you, he might give you a funny look (warning sign!) Then, he might put TWO FINGERS in her bum and EXPRESS HER ANAL GLANDS. Expressing anal glands is messy. You might be wearing a fleece hoodie and you might get anal gland juice all over it, making you want to throw said fleece hoodie out because, really - will it ever feel clean enough to wear again?

So he took a look at her poop and decided that she's not wormy right now but she does need to take de-worming medication. His reasoning is that because we take her to the dog park a lot, she's exposed to worms and needs the medication yearly to keep her healthy. I'm pretty sure the real reason is that he wants me to spend NINETY FREAKING DOLLARS every year on FIVE MEASLY PILLS.

Stella and I walked home in the rain, both feeling very sorry for ourselves. Stella was so upset that she ninja-death-rolled a mud puddle. And then I cried.

After her bath, Stella's cone went back on. She's not wormy but she does really like to lick her bum. She's got to wear the cone for a few days so her ass-wound has time to dry up and heal. She is not impressed by the situation.


I gave her the dewormy pills in some peanut butter and thought that was the end of it.

I went to bed early last night. Stella came with me because she was still upset about the cone situation. Normally she sleeps in her crate beside our bed but when she's upset I let her sleep with us. I am a sucker like that. When she's really upset, she likes to burrow down under the covers and sleep on my feet. So she's curled up on my feet (cone and all) and I'm drifting off to sleep when all of a sudden I feel something wet and nasty on my legs. Stella threw up in my bed. She threw up a lot. In my bed. On my legs. I put her in her crate, strip the bed, put the sheets in the washing machine with pretty much half a bottle of Nature's Miracle, make the bed, and crawl back in. At this point I will still manage 7 hours of sleep before I have to get up for work. But Stella's having none of it. She starts to puke in her crate. Shawn takes her outside and she has some disastrous results from her other end. We put her back in her (now clean) crate but by the time she was finished being ill it was 1:30 in the morning. Which means that I managed a whole 5 hours of sleep last night and my melty head? SO MUCH MORE MELTY THAN YESTERDAY.

I called the vet this morning and he said that as long as the puking started more than 3 hours after she took the pills (it did), the medication did get into her bloodstream and will be effective and yes, we do have to repeat this in 10 days. He also said that this reaction isn't uncommon in puppies, which would have been helpful to know yesterday when I freaking asked if there was any side effects. If I had known that there was a possibility of vomit, I wouldn't have effing slept with her IN MY BED.

Um, please can you take this cone off me? Please?

Been Dazed And Confused For So Long It's Not True

I just downed my super! healthy! microgreens capsules with a Coke. It wasn't even Diet Coke - it was full-fat. I think I'm beginning to see why I can't lose weight.

FYI, when you take microgreens caspules with anything fizzy, it makes you burp. Microgreens burps taste like ass.

Also, it just took me about ten minutes to take one shot of the microgreens caspules because I cannot figure out how to use my new camera. More specifically, I cannot figure out how to use my new zoom lens. The point of the zoom lens is so you don't have to physically move to get the picture in focus, right? I was inching forward and backwards, trying to focus on the microgreens caspules. It didn't help that I started off without the plate, so I was trying to focus on microgreen capsules that are pretty much the same colour as my granite countertops.

It has been a long day.

Forget About Your House of Cards and I'll Do Mine

We have hot water again but I refuse to celebrate. Instead, I'm anxiously awaiting the next cold shower. After the last hot water tank mishap, we were assured that everything was fixed, everything was working and we had nothing to worry about. So we didn't worry. I won't fall into that trap again. As of right now, we are on hot water tank #2 and hot water tank breaker #2. Everything is new and shiny. In theory, we should have hot water for the foreseeable future.

On top of having hot water, we also seem to have sorted out the lien issue. I don't want to say it's resolved because I'm sure I'll jinx it, but we are on the right track. Our lawyer assures us that it's nothing we have to worry about - he will sort it out with the seller's lawyer and let us know when it's settled.

I'm trying to not freak out about all these little issues but I'm not doing a good job of it. I didn't think that owning our own place would be so much work. Today is exactly 1 month since we took possession and it feels like we haven't had time to enjoy it yet.

In other weekend news, if you get exfoliator in your eye, it's not a good idea to then rub it. It won't get the exfoliator out, it will just exfoliate your eyeball. Exfoliating your eyeball hurts like a mofo, just in case you're wondering.