In Your Secret Garden There Is No One Who Gets The Key To Your Heart

My weekend started with a power outage that had me stuck on the train for an extra half hour, followed by a seizure that wiped out my plans of having a productive Saturday by leaving me with a day-long headache. It was a grim start to what turned out to be an excellent weekend of

drooling over my rockstar husband:
spreading the mooooooosetash love:


and chasing naughty pups out of my mom's raspberry patch:

Being bad is exhausting, yo.

It had its rough patches, sure, but I'm still calling this weekend a win. I mean, after Shawn's show we went for poutine. That alone makes my weekend awesome.

Makes Me Want To Be A Little Stronger Still I See Monsters

The monster on the left has a penchant for shoes - the more expensive the better, while the monster on the right prefers cotton sheets for his chewing enjoyment.

Girl monster is happiest when rolling in the smelliest, dirtiest thing she can find (spoilt milk, dead worms, stinky beach sand.) Boy monster is happiest when curled up in your lap, whether your lap is available for cuddling or not (this is a dog that routinely jumps up onto unsuspecting sitting-on-the-toilet laps.) (Because you can't close the bathroom door if you're the only human home - he gets too lonely and whines and cries and sticks his little puppy paws under the door to try to reach you and one day his little puppy paws will get stuck under the door and then what will you do?)
Stinky likes to curl up under the covers and rest her head on cold toes. Winky can only handle about five minutes under the covers before he reaches his boiling point and claws his way out, gasping for air, and dramatically flops on his side and sighs.
They love snacking on carrots, apples, peppers, cheese and berries but cucumbers are their favourite. They will cut you for cucumbers.

They bark at animals on the tv. I know I should discourage this behaviour but it's ridiculous and hilarious to see them all riled up and shouty at the Telus hippopotamus.

They are not baby substitutes; I do not have an aching maternal void that I attempt to fill with furry ears and belly rubs and snuffly noses. They are my crazy, adorable, monsterpups. I probably like them more than I like most people. I'm not sorry.

And How Eventually Our Hands Will Just Turn To Dust If We Keep Shaking Them Standing Here On This Frozen Lake

My long weekend did not start well. Stella spent Friday vomiting like I've never seen a puppy vomit. It was shocking (and a little impressive) how much liquid managed to come out of her 20lb body. By Saturday she was feeling better and my weekend was salvaged.

I was a bit of a hermit this weekend. I was meant to go to a birthday / going away party on Friday night but I stayed home to mop up vomit instead. It was really nice to just relax with the puppies and go to bed early. Apparently I am 70 years old.

On Sunday morning, the puppies woke me up obscenely early (it was my own fault - I forgot to close the curtains so the room was flooded with light at 6am. I fail at sleeping in.) I tried to go back to sleep but was unsuccessful, so I packed up the car and drove to the lake. It was sunny when I left but by the time we got to the lake it was raining.

The pups didn't mind too much, though.

I live in very a beautiful place.

My favourite part of taking the puppies to the lake is how sleepy they are afterwards. They spent Sunday afternoon napping. At one point Stella was snoring and had a drool puddle forming under her lip.

He kills me. He managed to wrap himself up burrito-style in the blanket and is actually resting his head on Shawn's pillow.

I thought that a staycation (punch!) would be boring. It's true that I did a lot of boring chore-type stuff but I also spent a lot of time relaxing and doing irresponsible things. Like eat ice cream and watch hours of tennis (because I am 70 years old, remember.)

Wolfie is also a fan of the tennis.

I thought I would be jealous of Shawn's fabulous roadtrip but when he walked in the door last night, sunburned and exhausted, I felt a little smug at how well-rested I felt. I'm a fan of the staycation is what I'm saying.

In This House No One Goes To Sleep For Days It's Like We're Working On A Mountainside Trying Not To Slide Into The Ocean

Oh look! Another photo of my dog!

In this picture Stella is trying to use the power of her mind to get Shawn's hamburger into her belly.

It only kind of worked a little. (Dear Shawn, the dogs beg because you feed them when they do cute shit like rest their heads on your knees while you eat. Seriously. Stop it. Love Hillary)

Oh hey, so I guess I don't really need to point this out but I'm still punchy. Like, really punchy. Like perhaps I should actually do some punching so that I stop shooting lasers out of my eyes and speaking in my bitey voice. I had big plans to become a runner last night so I could run out my stress, but then it rained and got all windy so I ate some ice cream instead. It seemed like a good plan at the time.

My new plan is to banish my bad mood with a long weekend of selfishness. Shawn is going on a boys'-only-road- trip from Friday morning until Monday afternoon and I am really looking forward to having some alone time. I love my husband and I love spending time with him blah blah blah I am going to sleep diagonally across the bed and eat ice cream for dinner without his judgey eyes. This weekend will include a lot of mac & cheese and puppy cuddles and Law & Order reruns and I don't even care that every single person I know (including my parents, who never go anywhere) is heading out of town for the long weekend. I am going to staycation my ass off (because I am a douche who says "staycation" punch punch punch.)

And I Don't Want To Disturb What We Keep Quiet

I'm having a quiet day today. A head-down, plow through the day so I can get home as soon as possible, concentrate on numbers so thoughts can't creep into my brain, type of day. So clearly it is a puppy kind of day.

She loves to hang out on her crate rather than in her crate. We had to put a blanket on top so her tiny puppy toes would stop falling through the gaps. She took that to mean that it is now her official hangout. Wolfgang jumps up from time to time but he doesn't last long before Stella knocks him off. It's her perch. No boys allowed.

I bought the Hipstamatic app for my iPhone. The above three photos are a very small representation of the shots I have taken in the last few days. I might be a little obsessed with Hipstamatic.

Stella would like the record to show that she really really likes pizza. Just in case you were wondering. Or just in case you have any extra pizza laying around. Stella will happily take any pizza. (Oh and Shawn's beard? Really is that nasty and beardy in real life. It's his playoff beard. I don't want to talk about it.)

So I Crawl Underneath My Blanket Where I Can Hide Away I Know I Can't Take It

So, we all knew I was going back to buy the Snuggies, right? This doesn't come as a surprise to anyone, does it?

Well, anyone apart from Wolfgang and Stella.

Stella has perfected her "wtf?" look.

Wolfgang is still working on his.

Surprisingly, Stella didn't protest the Snuggie. Perhaps she is becoming more accommodating of my crazy as she gets older, or maybe she didn't have any fight left in her after kicking Wolfgang's ass up and down the dog park for an hour. Either way, she stayed in the Snuggie for a good five minutes before completely losing her shit.

Wolfgang loved his Snuggie. He was so sad when I took the Snuggie away (Stella was trying to eat it off his back.)

It's a blanket! With sleeves! What's not to love?!

It was definitely worth the $10 and the drive back to the pet store (and the judgment of the pet store cashier as I slunk through making my purchase) to see my pups wrapped up in fleecy goodness. Now whenever I feel blue I can put the puppies in the Snuggies and it's like instant sunshine and rainbows.

Pull This Blanket Off Of Me

Friday Faff: Scattered (well, more scattered than usual) Thoughts Edition

I haven't faffed in a while and there are approximately a billion thoughts bouncing around in my head so here we go.

I have an appointment at a sleep disorder clinic this morning. Not a sleep disorder clinic, the sleep disorder clinic. I feel so much pressure - should I not be drinking coffee right now so that I'm not coherent when I go to the appointment? Should I not wear eye makeup so that I look extra sleepy? I am fretting. I thought that this appointment meant that I was accepted into the program but it just means that I passed the initial review process. Wish me luck!

* * * * *

I forgot to post about my April resolution but I have been sticking to it. March's resolution was frustrating and vague. "Make better choices" was the stupidest, most frustrating, completely unsatisfying resolution I could make. How can you win that resolution? You can't, which is why my April resolution is to not buy a single prepared coffee. I can win that resolution. I will win that resolution. There is a shameful coffee admission to go along with April's resolution but it's a story for another day.

* * * * *

The Canucks won last night's game against the LA Kings. It was only the first game of the first round of playoffs but I was a complete stressball. The energy in Vancouver is awesome but it's a nervous energy. If you've been a Canucks fan for any length of time you understand why. Things can go very badly very quickly for the Canucks.

* * * * *

I was buying dog food the other day and I saw pet Snuggies in the clearance bin. It took an amazing amount of restraint to not buy the pet Snuggies. I kind of regret it. Should I go back and buy the pet Snuggies? My dogs' lives can only be enriched by the addition of blankets with sleeves, right?

* * * * *

Happy Friday, peeps!

Don't Waste Your Time Or Time Will Waste You

This weekend was an amazing concert,

new cupcake toppers,

long naps and puppy cuddles,

and too much breakfast pizza.

It was equal parts draining and restorative.

This weekend was three days long but far too short.

Get On The Snake Where You Never Will Believe

Stella has started doing this thing recently where she tries to press her face into our faces whenever we're lying down. I'd like to think that she's just being affectionate but there is a small part of me that thinks she's just measuring us to see if she can eat us (Dear Ben & Maxie: I forget which one of you told the story of the big snake measuring its owner so I'll blame both of you. I am still disturbed even though snopes proved you wrong. Thanks for that, jerks. Love Hillary.)

I love them.

Him too.

What I don't love is when someone dumps the clean laundry on the bed instead of folding it and putting it away and then someone else makes a bed out of my fresh, clean towels. Not mentioning any names.

Just Beat It Beat It Beat It Beat It No One Wants To Be Defeated - Take 12

Operation: Cook a Salmonella-Free Turkey Dinner was a huge success. I was overwhelmed (in a good way) by all of your suggestions; I didn't know which recipes to choose. I ended up using Nigella's method for cooking the turkey because Nigella can do no wrong. The turkey was delicious but to be honest, I'm more of a side dish kind of gal.

My dinner, in all of its gluttonous glory:

Clockwise from the top:
turkey with cranberry orange sauce, garlic smashed potatoes with gravy, Meg's brussel sprouts (steamed and then sautéed in butter, brown sugar, and pecans), maple balsamic roasted beets (ewww beets but also yay! December beets!), sweet potato mash with an unfortunate topping of burnt-ass (why yes, that is the technical term) marshmallows, and not-cooked-in-the-bird stuffing of my own recipe that featured bacon (heck yes), dried cranberries, apples, and caramelized onions (which is just a fancy way of saying that I burned the onions and was too lazy to chop more so I used the burnt ones.)

For dessert (because we weren't already bursting at the seams) we had pecan bourbon pie with bourbon caramel sauce and pumpkin chiffon pie. It was ridiculous.

The pups were being irresistibly cute so more than one person slipped them a few morsels of turkey, resulting in what may be the cutest thing I've ever seen, the Puppy Turkey Coma:

Tryptophan Overdose

I'm glad that I attempted the full turkey dinner but I seriously doubt I'll do it again. It took two full days of cooking to finish everything and I still ended up an hour behind schedule, forcing my dad to make the gravy and carve the turkey while I drank bubbly wine and set the fire alarm off with my unfortunate marshmallow / broiler incident. It was a tad stressful. I had leftover pumpkin pie for dinner last night though, so I'm not complaining.

Don't Give Up The Fight I Saw You Dance Tonight

My adorable puppies, having a cuddle:

The cuddle lasted for approximately 2.3 seconds before this happened:

And then Wolfgang was all "you want on my couch? I don't think so!"

My life is never quiet.

Just Beat It Beat It Beat It Beat It No One Wants To Be Defeated - Take 11

Random Tuesday Tidbits

Robin loved all of your comments. Miel et Cannelle brought up the point that we don't know Burt's financial situation, which is true and totally valid. It's possible that I'm being an insensitive douche (it's been known to happen.) The thing is, he chose the restaurant for their first date. He took her to a trendy oyster bar in one of the fancier downtown neighbourhoods. He set the tone. Anyway, Robin hasn't fully decided what to do about Burt yet but I will keep you posted.

* * * * *

My family got together on Sunday to celebrate my mom's birthday. We were all in charge of bringing something to contribute to dinner. They should have been suspicious when I offered to bring the salad course.


Why yes, those are my November beets atop the salads. Suckers!

* * * * *

We have had nothing but rain for days. I try to walk the pups but it only takes a few minutes of precipitation before Wolfgang decides he has had enough and starts to cry. He is such a delicate flower. He'd much rather curl up in bed and hibernate until it's sunny and warm again. I don't blame him.