Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Ain't It A Shame That At The Top Peanut Butter And Jam They Served You

While eating my lunch today, I found myself growing more and more irritated by the stupid jackass glob of cream cheese that filled the hole of my bagel. I don't often eat bagels (hello carb coma) so I never actually prepare them myself (there's a Tim Hortons directly across from my office; this is pretty much the exact definition of "both a blessing and a curse"); however, if I were to prepare my own bagel, I'm fairly certain that I could figure out how to spread the cream cheese on the bagel without it forming a nasty dairy tumour. Spread the cream cheese in a circle, am I right? It takes minimal extra effort - just a little wrist action - and all of a sudden you're not serving up a bagel with a side of angst.

So I'm thinking these totally rational thoughts (and by "totally rational" I mean "crazy, oh so crazy") when the realization pops into my head that if the cream cheese were replaced by peanut butter, it would be a whole different ballgame. And then my head melted a little because a: this is how I will finally come to the realization that my perception of any given situation can be changed from negative to positive by changing one small thing? and b: I had an epiphany while raging against fucking cream cheese?

I am nothing if not deep, yo.

In other news: I am very sleep deprived; I accidentally hit myself in the nose hard enough to make it bleed (it's a long story); work is kicking my ass; Wolfgang has decided to punish us for going on holiday by pretending that he is no longer housebroken; and Shawn has been sick since we got home. Fun times.


  1. I only like cream cheese when it's attached to a bagel. The cheese that tries to jump ship through the hole pisses me off, too.

  2. I don't think I could ever replace cream cheese with peanut butter on a bagel. Only because I love everything cheese.

    Weekend is almost here. Just hold on for two more days and some chillaxin will be had. Hope Shawn feels better soon and Wolfgang stops his bathroom shenanigans!

  3. I'm thinking that it's a training problem at Timmy's. The people here do THE SAME THING.

  4. I'm with you on the cream cheese thing. I just don't understand. I constantly have to say "just a little" cream cheese and it's still slathered with the stuff. I can only imagine what extra cream cheese must look like!

    My biggest gripe is when I do order peanut butter on a bagel at the drive-thru and they just give me the bagel in the paper bag with a plastic knife and two little containers of peanut butter. I know, I know, the allergies but dudes I went to the drive-thru for a reason! I cannot drive and slather peanut butter on a bagel, so now I have to pull over anyway! BAH :)

  5. i kind of would like to hear the nose story.

    (partly because i want to commiserate, as i currently have a welt the size of indonesia on the side of my knee. from pole dancing. am sexy.)

  6. Around here, bagels get the tumor because the utensil they use to slap on the cream cheese is about as wide as the bagel. One quick swipe and they're done. Let's not speak of the extra cream cheese they waste!

  7. You are totally deep, yo. Not to mention funny! I feel the same about the random blob in the center... can't just spread it?

  8. I seem to be the odd man out. I love the extra blobby.
    I just basically have an intense love of cream cheese...