Friday 29 January 2010

We'll Order Water Torture Sauce And Economics

Dear Issue that is Making me Wobbly,

Please sort yourself out. You're making me twitchy and unpleasant to live with. I don't think Shawn can handle another incident like last night when that jar of alfredo sauce shattered and I had a complete meltdown.

Sincerely,
The One Rocking Back and Forth and Crying

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Dear Grocery Bag that I Dropped on the Concrete Ground of the Parkade

Why did you have to be the bag that I shoved my wallet and blackberry into to free up hand space so I could carry more groceries? Why did you also have to be the bag containing the aforementioned jar of alfredo sauce? Were you jealous because the other grocery bags were full to the brim of lovely tasty groceries and you were the last bag I packed so you only got to carry a few random items? I hope you like your new home ... the garbage. I don't care how reusable you are, jerkface.

Regards,
The One Who May Have Been a Tad Aggressive as She Threw You Out

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Dear Stella,

Alfredo sauce is not for puppies!

Love,
The One Who Doesn't Want to Clean Up Your Alfredo Vomit

* * * * *

Dearest Blackberry,

Thank you for working again after I dismantled you and cleaned alfredo sauce out of your every crevice with a q-tip. Now if you could just stop smelling like alfredo sauce we could go back to being friends.

Love,
The One Who Gags Every Time She Answers a Call

17 comments:

  1. Sounds like you had yourself one hell of a day. Don't be too hard on yourself for letting the alfredo sauce induce a mental breakdown. I think these kinds of breakdowns allow us to get it out of our systems and move on.

    OX to the power of OX

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  2. I'm a lurker... I have read your entire blog start to end when I discovered you a few months back. It seemed stupid to comment on something from years ago. Also, I ramble.

    Today, I shall comment. And it's because you mentioned the blackberry/alfredo incident.

    I do not know the situation making you twitchy... I hope it resolves and doesn't progress to making you stabby.

    I DO know that my daughter dumped my blackberry in the toilet. I am now using my newly received replacement (but considered dumping her in the toilet for having lost all my contacts. again. this is not her first phone destruction.) And then I caught her just in time to prevent the new blackberry from going into the toilet along with the remotes. BEFORE I HAD EVEN ACTIVATED IT!

    So all this rambling is to say I feel your pain and I guess I'm just glad my blackberry doesn't smell like alfredo. I don't like alfredo. And I love reading your blog, and I promise next time I comment it won't be a novel. Maybe.

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  3. i hope things only get better for you. frickin' alfredo sauce.... at least it wasn't pesto sauce. or worse yet - fish sauce. stanky.
    ps i love your sign-offs for each letter. alfredo vomit. priceless.

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  4. I'm sorry you had a rough morning...this is a great story told creatively, though. Uh, I'm sure your Blackberry smells less now. But seriously. Well told. Hope you feel less wobbly soon.

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  5. can one Febreze a blackberry? :-)

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  6. I could become the most zen, well-adjusted person in the world, and I would still lose my shit when things like this happen. But I think you are quickly reaching "straw that broke the camel's back"-ness, so I hope things ease up soon. We love you, even if that cocksucking grocery bag doesn't.

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  7. It is OK to lose your shit. Sometimes you just have to. I hope things turn around soon.

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  8. I'm sorry ... I probably shouldn't be laughing as hard as I am at this ... much needed smiles, so thanks! :)

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  9. I wonder if it's possible to pack up hoards of Hugs and send them to you in the mail because that is what I would like to give you now. A big ol' hug.

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  10. Ohhhh no. Your poor phone. I have dropped mine a hundred times and it keeps working like a little mordern miracle.

    I once had a jar of CheezWhiz burst out of the bag, THROUGH my bike wheel and it was a catastrophe. Glass, blood, cheez and bike bits everywhere.

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  11. Oh no. It could have been worse? Better than breaking a bottle of perfume or something equally as terrible.
    Again, I say, deep breathing! You'll survive. Hang in there, lady :)

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  12. lol Oh no!! No no no!! That's the worst! lol

    I HATE those days, please have a glass of wine. One for you and one for me. <3

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  13. I'm sorry you had a shitty day, but thanks for having a shitty day so I can have a laugh to make my shitty day a little less shitty. Shit.

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  14. If it makes you feel a wee bit better, the way you told this story and the comments have me cracking up! Thanks for some much-needed laughter.

    For the blogger with the toddler/toilet issue, 99% of the time if you just leave the phone/remote out to dry and resist using it until it dries out completely, it will work again. Not that I have any experience with this....(cell + ocean, laptop + glass of water....)

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  15. Sorry things are sucking so hard right now. Sending you a big hug from California.

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  16. Oh, great big hugs to you, lovely Alfredo-phone-answering lady. Here's hoping the upsetting situation rights itself quickly. I don't want to get all "it could be worse" on you...but aren't you glad you hadn't bought a big ole jar of pickled beets?

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  17. that's awesome that your phone still works after being submerged in alfredo sauce. and i swear it's always the bag with the breakables that drop,s i have done that before and it is just not fun. once i dropped one that had a bottle of white wine right on our entrance to our apartment. as much as i love wine i did not love our apartment reeking of it and cleaning up all the glass, eck.

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