We'll Order Water Torture Sauce And Economics

Dear Issue that is Making me Wobbly,

Please sort yourself out. You're making me twitchy and unpleasant to live with. I don't think Shawn can handle another incident like last night when that jar of alfredo sauce shattered and I had a complete meltdown.

Sincerely,
The One Rocking Back and Forth and Crying

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Dear Grocery Bag that I Dropped on the Concrete Ground of the Parkade

Why did you have to be the bag that I shoved my wallet and blackberry into to free up hand space so I could carry more groceries? Why did you also have to be the bag containing the aforementioned jar of alfredo sauce? Were you jealous because the other grocery bags were full to the brim of lovely tasty groceries and you were the last bag I packed so you only got to carry a few random items? I hope you like your new home ... the garbage. I don't care how reusable you are, jerkface.

Regards,
The One Who May Have Been a Tad Aggressive as She Threw You Out

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Dear Stella,

Alfredo sauce is not for puppies!

Love,
The One Who Doesn't Want to Clean Up Your Alfredo Vomit

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Dearest Blackberry,

Thank you for working again after I dismantled you and cleaned alfredo sauce out of your every crevice with a q-tip. Now if you could just stop smelling like alfredo sauce we could go back to being friends.

Love,
The One Who Gags Every Time She Answers a Call

And As For You In Your Uniform Your Smelly Uniform You Think You Can Be Rude To Me

I received a basket of assorted bath and beauty products for Christmas. It was a very sweet gift. The products are all of the stress-relievey variety. The company that makes the products uses only fresh, organic, vegetarian ingredients, doesn't participate in animal testing, and uses packaging that is deliciously sparse. It's a company I feel good about supporting is what I'm saying.

That being said, I've not bought anything from this particular company before because every time I walk by one of their shops my eyes start to water and it gets a bit difficult to breathe. To say that they are fans of fragrance would be putting it mildly. I've only been inside one of their shops once and it was a very short visit due to the headache that started as soon as I walked inside.

Admittedly, I am a bit sensitive to fragrances. I don't wear perfume and I tend to buy unscented products when I can. I'm not anti-fragrance; I love the smell of lemons, coffee, vanilla, sandalwood ... just not blended together into unidentifiable combinations. (I feel I should point out (before Turtle does) that I have been guilty of perfume crimes in the past. Most notably, my high school years where my perfume of choice was undiluted vanilla essential oil. It was overbearing and unfortunate and obnoxious and I'm sorry.)

I would just give the smelly products away but the gift was from Shawn and I know he'll be hurt if I do. So I broke out the gift basket this morning and selected a very pink, very shimmery, very fragrant shower jelly. I think it was called "sugar plum" or some such nonsense. I can't tell you what it smelled like. Very sweet. Kind of fruity. More candy-fruity than real-fruity though. Basically, they managed to make natural ingredients smell artificial.

So I was in the shower feeling all stabby because I smell like a freaking sugar plum and I started thinking about the perfect perfume. I dislike most floral scents so those are definitely out. I'm a fan of herbal scents - rosemary and lavender top my list - but I don't want to smell like dinner. Citrus fruits make me happy but they're used predominantly in cleaning products. I don't want to smell like toilet cleaner any more than I want to smell like a sugar plum.

And then it hit me. My dream perfume is ... earl grey tea with cream and a touch of lavender honey. Now I just need to find it.

What's your favourite smell?