This post has been languishing as a draft for a few weeks. I was being a bit of a wiener about putting it up, so I'm scheduling it to post while I'm away (so I can't change my mind.)
Last year I had pneumonia and lost a bit of weight. Even though physically I felt like crap, it was the first time in a long time I felt happy with the way I looked. So of course it was completely logical for me to go out and buy my wedding dress. I bought my dress from a sample sale. Wedding dress samples are sewn for women who are 5'8" (which I just happen to be) so I ended up with a dress that fit me perfectly with no alterations needed (and for 60% off the regular price ... can someone please be as impressed with this as I am?)
Anyone who is more in touch with reality than I am knows that when you lose weight from being sick, you gain it back pretty quickly. Which I did. Then it was Christmas and I added even more weight. I cannot say no to baked goods. If there was a Baked Goods Anonymous I would be a member. A member that routinely slipped up and fell off the wagon, but a member nonetheless.
After Christmas I decided that I was going to take control. I know that I eat too much sugar. I know that I snack too much and make unhealthy snacking choices. I decided that rather than try a diet (which would be setting myself up for failure seeing as I have little to no willpower) I would come up with the Skinny Bitch Rules. For example:
Skinny Bitches eat salad with their dinner instead of garlic bread.
Skinny Bitches drink sparkling water with a twist of lime instead of pop.
Skinny Bitches do not drink midweek because that one glass of wine with dinner is just gratuitous calories.
Skinny Bitches walk the dog, every day.
Things were going well. The pair of jeans I bought at Christmas started to feel a bit large. My arm flap was less droopy. I started to feel good about myself.
But then the Crazy crept in and started twisting the Skinny Bitch Rules. All of a sudden, Skinny Bitches drink black coffee for breakfast and Skinny Bitches don't snack between meals. I saw Turtle last weekend and she told me that when she hugged me, I felt bony. I cannot describe how good that made me feel and how ashamed I am to admit it. I don't want being thin to feel like an accomplishment. I want to feel healthy and strong and, yes, thin. I've seen the term "fat skinny" floating around recently (but I don't know who coined it so I can't give credit where it's due.) This is what I am. I am not overweight but I am unhealthy. I doubt that I could run up a flight of stairs without being horrendously out of breath when I got to the top. I have no upper body strength. I have not lost weight healthily so my body is not balanced - I may feel bony up top but I am thick and jiggly on the bottom. Every day I become more and more pear-shaped.
The way I look shouldn't matter. I'm smart and funny and I make great cookies. I'm 5'8" - I will never be considered petite. I will never (healthily) weigh 100lbs. I need to get over it. I need to find balance. Somewhere between drinking black coffee for breakfast and eating pancakes with berries and cream for breakfast is my happy medium. My oatmeal with skim milk and cinnamon. My oatmeal is the place where I'm okay with being a different size on the bottom than I am on top. My oatmeal is the place where I'm happy with eating grilled vegetables instead of steak for dinner. I just need to figure out how to find my oatmeal.
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I started Weight Watchers with my wife last week. I dropped 5 pounds in 5 days. But I'm a guy. I'm also 5'8" and if I go to my ideal weight I look like a turtle. All my life I've been small and skinny. Now I'm married and have married weight, I like it but still need to drop 15. And that's the point. I need to be happy with my weight. Not what other people expect me to weigh.
ReplyDelete~Jef
I'm the yo-yo dieting queen. Please don't get sucked in. It's a gigantic downward spiral.
ReplyDeletei'm sure you already know this and have had it suggested 800 times already, but are you including exercise into the weight loss skinny bitch rules? because i find a TON of good stuff happens with the exercise bit:
ReplyDelete-i feel better about myself, even if i can't see a difference after one workout, because at least i'm being healthy! and active! etc!
-adding muscle keeps you lean, but not bony. and healthy :-)
-doing cardio = you get to let up a little bit on the stringent eating rules
i know the feeling of wanting to be thin, but hating that you want that. when i'm working out, i find that it's WAY easier to love my body for what it is. especially if i have a muscle or 3 to admire :-)
I find that dieting can be tough. I have been dieting and exercising and my clothes fit better but my weight is about the same, which is complicated, right? Muscle weight and such, I assume. I just try to view it as a lifestyle thing and not a diet thing. That way when I have a day where I eat less than healthy, it's just a day.
ReplyDeleteThis is something I've dealt with all my life. It can be very sucky.
ReplyDeleteRight now I'm doing the exercise, but still eating like crap. I like my junky food too much. I know if I cut that out of my diet, I'd probably lose more of the flab that's around my stomach, but I just don't have the willpower to do that just yet.
Oh how I know how you feel. I'm kind of skinny fat too. I'm skinny, but not necessarily healthy. I like chocolate chip cookies at night. I like pasta for every meal. So, yes, I know what you're going through.
ReplyDeleteConcentrate on making yourself healthy, not necessarily skinny. Eat better, but don't go crazy dieting. That never works. You want to look like yourself for your wedding!
Also--AMAZING deal on the wedding dress!
I know what you mean. I used to be so much more active and healthy, but now that I'm older it's slipping away. I eat out way too much, drink more often than I should, and smoke like a champ. I feel like it is so hard to find the balance between being healthy and trying to look like you once did.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the skinny fat too. I'm tall and slender, even though I weigh more than I ever have before I'm not fat, just a little flabby around the middle. I am also lacking in the upper body strength area. I think the only way to fix it all is to work out (yuck).
I am just the opposite then. Fat Skinny. I walk, run, hike... eat no sugar... ext... but am still overweight. I need to get on a diet to go with my active lifestyle. /sigh That and give up beer, because we all know that skinny bitches do NOT drink big glasses of beer regularly and stay skinny.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, weight is a constant train of thought in my head.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for being so honest and for knowing your body deserves better. Here's to a healthy (and happy!) Hillary :)
Jinx--because I have a post like this just sitting in my drafts.
ReplyDeleteI've tried keeping with the train of thought (I think this is what Angella does, too) of being good to my body 80% of the time and letting loose the remainder of the time. If you do the math correctly, that would allow me to be casual about food choices and exercise about 20% of the time.
Sometimes I also suck at math as I often seem to reverse those numbers. Hrmph.
It doesn't help that I'm married to a guy who loves me no matter what and tells me (until he's blue in the face) that my curves suit me and he loves the way I look. Apparently, along with math, I also suck at listening :)
I can't WAIT to see photos of your wedding dress! (Because now you totally have to post them!) Awesome AWESOME deal!!!
I'm pretty sure I just wrote about how being depressed and not eating or sleeping has made me lose weight-either that, or I'm just planning on writing it...
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I love that I've lost the weight, I'm just upset that even with trying to eat healthily and exercising, it took depression to knock some of that extra weight off.
I just can't be satisfied!!
Stoked to see some wedding dress pictures!
Um, that must make me a fat skinny?
ReplyDeleteThe terror I feel when I get a good look at my thighs/waist/chin. I'm often in denial, you know "oh, I don't look that bad, dum de de da dum' then bam, I get a real good look in the Wal~mart dressing room and my reflection is just rude to me.
However, I can run up a flight of stairs - several times and still breath okay. And, I mowed nearly an acre with a push mower in a little over an hour - and our yard is slanted. Seriously, the whole thing slants downwards - there isn't a flat spot anywhere!
Just a heads up, my reflection's still the same rude fat skinny person.
Statistics show (yes, they can show anything) that the best indicator of weight gain is how much you have recently lost. Good work at just changing your eating habits, it's the best way. And yes, add exercise - I too recently have changed how I eat, and I just started walking during lunch and in the evening. Put on the Ipod and just walk for half an hour, it helps.
ReplyDeleteHey now, don't go losing too much weight like that.
ReplyDeleteBoobs go away too.
Your husband won't like that.
Boobs are fun.
I wonder how many times I can say boobs in this comment?
Guys love boobs.
Edge: I'm not married but I totally have married weight! It's crap.
ReplyDeleteJamie: I can see that. I feel like I'm on the brink of the downward spiral. I do not love it.
Alice: I agree. I know I need to exercise. I used to be really active and I loved how I felt (and didn't really care what my body looked like.) I need to get out of my rut and start exercising again. I just need that push to get myself started.
J: I wish I could relax if I have a bad-habit day but I get so down on myself.
Sharon: I hear ya. I loooove my junk food.
Lauren: Pasta every night for dinner = my dream.
Leftlane: Ah yes, working out. Things would be so much easier if I could just start to like working out. I really really hate working out.
Bridge: judging from what I've read on your blog, I don't see you giving up beer anytime soon. I'm just sayin' :)
Angella: I think weight is a constant train of thought in every woman's head. It's sad.
Over-Thinker: I totally reverse the numbers. All the time.
Meg: It's tough when you lose weight for a crappy reason because then it's difficult to feel good about it. Hope things are improving with you.
Donna: Dressing rooms = evil. Also, you kind of rock for mowing an acre of grass. There is no way I could do it.
Joe: I would find it so much easier to get out in the evening if I could plug into my ipod but my neighbourhood is a bit dodgy and I'd be mugged in about 30 seconds.
Mike: ha! You've just provided my new reason to not diet - don't want to lose my boobs :)