I'm Delirious With Chaos

Grady has been doing so well for the last week that I didn't let myself fret when I couldn't track down the results of the tests run on Father's Day. He had blood taken last Sunday to check his neutrophils level and I made an appointment for him to see his doctor today so she could give us the all clear.

Grady has been fever free for over a week and his appetite returned full force so I thought that the appointment would just be a formality so we could move on and forget about these past weeks.

Grady's doctor called me yesterday and requested that I bring him to see her. Immediately. She kept her voice light but when I told her we had an appointment to see her on Friday anyway and could it just wait until then, her voice got less light and she told me that no, it couldn't wait another day, and I really did need to bring Grady in to see her.

She couldn't / wouldn't tell me much over the phone, just that Grady's latest blood work showed staph and critically low neutrophils and this was worrying because he had completed a round of antibiotics.

And then my head melted and I went into full on panic mode because staph is one thing, staph that doesn't respond to antibiotics is a whole different thing. I was at work when I got the call so I had to take the train home, hyperventilating the whole way.

Shawn was eerily calm. He kept telling me that there was no way Grady could have a staph infection. He had no fever. He was happy. He was eating and sleeping well. He was playing and chattering and laughing. He was showing no signs of being ill.

For some reason, Shawn's calmness has never comforted me. It's almost like his refusal to worry means that I have to do all the worrying for both of us. Maybe that means we're well matched. I don't know. Probably it means I need more therapy.

Our afternoon was confusing and horrible and I really don't have much to write about it because all I remember is being in a permanent state of clenchiness and breathlessness. The end result is good - Grady is absolutely fine. There was a major miscommunication somewhere down the line (there were two hospitals, four hospital visits, two specialists, one lab, and Grady's doctor's office involved in his care - which provided too much opportunity for fuck ups) and the wrong test results were presented as his most recent test results. His Father's Day results - which showed staph and a neutrophil level of 0.2 - were given to my doctor as the results from last Sunday's blood work. I don't know who is responsible for the screw up. When it was discovered I was on such a high of "my kid is okay!" that I didn't have room in me to be mad (after a sleepless night of post-fretting adrenaline crash and nightmares last night? I HAVE SO MUCH ROOM IN ME TO BE MAD.)

Once the mix up was discovered, and the correct test results located, we were told that Grady is absolutely fine. His neutrophils are still low but they're in the normal range (and much higher than they were last week) so he's been given a clean bill of health. And really, that's the most important thing (I say while still seething over the clusterfuck.)