Wednesday, 6 June 2012

All The Broken Bits That Make You Jump Up

I don't know if it's because Grady's first birthday is approaching (what?!) or if it's because Turtle just gave birth, but I've been thinking a lot about Grady's birth. Specifically, his delivery. Even more specifically, shortly after his delivery when my bits were being fixed.

There are so many random things that happened the night Grady was born that stand out clearly in my mind. I don't know why I remember them so distinctly but I do. I remember the text message exchange I had with a friend where she asked if we were still on to watch the Bachelorette or, haha, was I in labour? I remember Shawn snacking on jalapeƱo-spiced beef jerky and almost murdering him when he breathed in my face accidentally. I remember texting my mom and asking if she'd make me her home-made mac&cheese when I was finally done birthing her grandson. I remember wanting a nurse to shave my head because I could not stand the feeling of a single strand of hair touching my face. I remember the Gibson Guitars t-shirt that Shawn was wearing and my doctor asking him if he was in a band (and me being all "HI! I AM IN LABOUR OVER HERE! CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT MUSIC LATER? KTHXBAIMOTHERFUCKERS!")

My favourite, though, is the exchange between my doctor and the resident who was present for Grady's birth. (A little background info: the hospital where I gave birth is a teaching hospital. The resident who was assigned to me was a very nice, very quiet man who pretty much stood in the corner of the room and looked terrified for most of my labour.)

After Grady was born, a little repair work was needed in the nush area. (I'm sorry. I'm trying to not be too vagina-y but look, I had an 8lb 6.5oz kid. There was some ... damage.) So my doctor (whom I loved) handed the resident a giant fucking needle and told him to stitch me up. And the resident says, "I'm not too good at tying off."

So just to recap: I've just given birth to a giant baby (without the aid of an epidural) and a resident who up until a few hours before was a total stranger to me (and who is standing at my exposed genitals with a giant needle) says that he's not too good at what my doctor is asking him to do.

The look my doctor shot the resident was priceless. It was the best "shut the fuck up and just do it" look I have ever seen. I strive to one day achieve a look as effective as hers. Because it was totally effective. The resident shut the fuck up and did it. And I didn't care if I had a jagged or uneven vagina scar. Because I had my baby.

I hope I never forget the exchange between my doctor and the resident. It still makes me giggle. Part of me hopes that I run into that resident one day (unlikely seeing as I don't even know his name) just so I can say, "hey dude, pro tip: don't admit to being crappy at sewing right before you sew up someone's vagina." Right? I mean, really.


  1. OH MY WORD. That is so hilarious. I also gave birth at a teaching hospital. After Preston was born (ALL NINE POUNDS AND FOURTEEN OUNCES OF HIM), the doctor and resident stood at my bottom end, pointing and talking. I knew it was all teaching stuff, but THAT WASN'T AWKWARD AT ALL.

  2. Ahhh, the more glamorous side to giving birth. WHAT A STORY! Thanks so much for sharing it with us. The joys of a teaching hospital are sure to provide good blog fodder. =)

    I remember very clearly a couple things related to doctors ...

    First, the two residents who admitted me (at just shy of 31 weeks) in triage. They essentially looked down there for a couple minutes, did an ultrasound, announced to me they were going to have to admit me and proceeded to launch into a bunch of logistical things related to being admitted. They gave me no time to process the fact I was being hospitalized far too early. I burst into tears and remember zero of what they said after they told me I was being admitted.

    Then, I remember the (way too short) 30 minutes it took to go from zero to fully dilated. The OB on duty looked down there and had a look of death on her face. I'm pretty sure she knew baby was gonna come fast (and that was a problem given I was only 31 weeks along and my little guy was frank breech!).

    One thing I'll never forget is our birth class instructor telling us that we can request no students or residents be allowed in our room if we didn't want them there. Even though I generally didn't care, it gave me a sense of relief to know I could request fewer people looking at and discussing my bits!

  3. This made me laugh so hard. Glad you shared this memory! Hope your girl parts healed okay. :)

  4. I like when women are open about these kind of experiences because women like me won't be so surprised when we have our own kids someday!

  5. haha this was just too funny to read. i mean i might have freaked out if someone said that to me with a needle in their hand, but you are a champ and love that you remember this. so great.

  6. Matt was between 8-9lbs when he was born. His mom is my height (5'2"). If we ever have a child, I will be VERY AFRAID for my lady bits. VERY AFRAID.

    Also, never apologize for talking about The Vagine or your experiences or any lady bits. You deserve like 500 cupcakes at least.

  7. Yep, I hear ya on the big baby and the er... damage...
    The repair part was also one of the clearest parts of that evening - when the dr kept having to ask for more local anesthetic as she kept finding more damage! I remember laughing, and then turning to my side and seeking my husband holding my newborn daughter and thinking it was the most beautiful moment of my life, even though someone was messing with my lady parts....

  8. Ha! "Hey Intern: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG."

    SO funny. :)

  9. Eli needed a vacuum to help him make his big entrance. The doctor attached it to his head and it popped off three times. It's funny now, but at the time I wanted to kick her in the throat.

    At one point there were eight people in the room. Nine, if you count my husband. I was like...this is more people than have seen my vagina in my entire life, combined, in this one room right now. Maybe we can just throw the door open and invite a few more in and everyone come gather round?