I've seen "your presence is presents enough!" on invitations. I've seen requests for a toonie (Canadian $2 coin) in place of a present so the birthday kid can buy a birthday item. I've seen people take the direct route of "no presents please!" I've seen requests for specific items like books. And I've seen the reverse - people insulted or annoyed by the mention of presents on party invitations.
I'm putting together Grady's 1st birthday party invitation and I'm stuck. Do I risk offending people by asking them not to bring presents? Do I say nothing and just donate everything Grady doesn't need? You guys, Grady was spoiled at Christmas. I didn't write about it because I didn't want to sound like an ungrateful cow but Christmas was ridiculous. Don't believe me? Here's a photo of my 5-month old baby riding the pedal tractor (with attached trailer!) he was given by a grandparent.
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But I am fretting. I'm fretting because I know money is tight for some people and I don't want them to feel like they have to buy Grady a birthday gift. We're having a big party for Grady's first birthday because we want to celebrate and say thank you to the many people who helped us through this first, difficult year. There are some weird competey family dynamics we have to contend with and I really don't want them to come out in the form of my child being lavished with expensive things. I want to nip this in the bud before he's old enough to recognize who is buying what for him (just like I don't want Shawn and I to be the "fun" parent and the "strict" parent the way I viewed my parents when I was a kid, I don't want Grady to view one grandparent as the "indulgent" grandparent and one as the "frugal" grandparent.)
So what do I do? How have you dealt with this?
I haven't personally dealt with this, but I feel like even if you do manage to find some graceful way to say "no gifts!" there will always be people who ignore it and make the people who didn't feel terrible. It's like a fact of life. Why don't people listen!
ReplyDeleteVery true. I ... have been one of those people who ignores the "no gifts!" request on kids' birthday invitations. I never thought about how it would make the rule followers feel.
DeleteSo that picture made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteSince I have no little ones of my own, I'm not entirely sure what to do. Knowing myself, I probably would go the direct but polite route and request that nobody needs to bring presents. If they insist, maybe you could ask them to bring a dish of food/sweets instead? Or if they REALLY insist maybe a monetary gift that can go towards some sort of education fund or something?
Best of luck!
I love the idea of an education fund. In fact, we set one up for Grady just after he was born and told the grandparents about it so they could contribute to it at Christmas instead of buying Grady gifts (that he was too young to appreciate!) And then no one contributed to the education fund and Grady received a whole WHACKLOAD of gifts that he was too young to appreciate.
DeleteThat picture is SO ridiculously cute!! I agree with Marie's suggestion of a donation towards a charity or another organization that's important to you. As Tamara said, there ARE going to be people who won't listen, unfortunately, but by asking for a gift to be given to someone in need, hopefully that will cut down on the actual gifts.
ReplyDeleteI hadn't thought of the donation idea - I like it but I'm not sure that people in my parents' generation will. I feel like there's this generational divide - people our age are more accepting of stuff like this and people our parents' age are all "YOU CAN'T SAY NO GIFTS! BIRTHDAYS ARE FOR GIFTS!"
DeleteI am not sure there is any good way to do it. I've seen people ask not to have presents brought---and then a few people bring something anyway, saying they couldn't resist, it's just something small---and then everyone who didn't bring anything feels awful.
ReplyDeleteI've also seen people say things like "In lieu of presents, we'll be collecting items for [local charity]." That works pretty well, because I think it's easier for people to bring $4 worth of cat food than to bring a $4 present. But STILL, I've seen some people also bring "just something small for the birthday child!" in addition---again, making others who followed instructions feel bad.
I think the only way to do it is to be absolutely frank, which works better with small groups. Like, I can picture saying to my mom and my dad and then to my brother and sister-in-law that we have too much stuff, the kids have too many toys, we want to throw a party but please please I beg you don't bring gifts, if you do I will donate them I swear. But I can't picture saying this to a big guest list, or in any way that could be printed on an invitation. The problem, I think, is that this is cultural: presents are brought to birthday parties, and that's how it is.
Maybe I would put on the invitation that we were having a Presentless Party. Then I might add in parentheses that we have been so fortunate, and that any gifts brought in spite of it being a Presentless Party would be donated to [name of local children's charity]. But then people might feel like they SHOULD bring a gift to donate, and might feel like they should spend MORE because it's for charity, so that's no good EITHER.
Oh, would you like a short answer? No. No good way to do it, other than not throwing a birthday party. You could throw a thank-you party for them, but not near Grady's birthday or they will see through your ruse.
Swistle, this is EXACTLY my train of thought. Seriously.
DeleteI know how you feel! With Connor being born in Dec it was CRAZY in terms of gifts for his birth and Christmas.
ReplyDeleteHow about stating that gifts are not necessary (however you want to do that) but if they feel they must you could chose a charity (something he can help with when he's older) or open a bank account so he save up for an item. This way he will never know who gave what.
I feel like there will definitely be opportunity to involve him when he's older - like, I can ask the grandparents for money (and put a limit on how high they can go) so he can learn the value of money and can save up for something he really REALLY wants. I'm just worried that right now we're setting these patterns (he was SERIOUSLY spoiled at Christmas) that I'm not comfortable with.
DeleteI'm eagerly reading all of the responses you get, because it is so hard. I'm totally with you that it is hard to not sound like a snot. We haven't even had our baby shower(s) yet, and we already have SO MUCH STUFF that I really wanted to tell people to not bring gifts. I know I can't do that, but seriously, our kid already has more clothes than he'll be able to wear due to hand-me-downs from generous friends/family and two very excited grandmas.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is that people genuinely love buying gifts. I get it. I love buying things for my sisters' babies. I would feel sad and a bit put out if they asked that I not buy anything for their kids. I just ... don't want Grady to feel like birthdays are a time for excess. I want him to feel like they're a time to celebrate. I need to find the balance before he's old enough to pick up on the difference.
Deleteit's difficult though a first birthday is easier to manage in terms of kid-expectations than from years four and up.
ReplyDeleteWee Guy benefited greatly from the breast milk bank at BC CHildren's in his first three months so it was relatively easy for us to nudge partygoers to the donations bucket thru our invites. His grandparents are overseas so we did give them the option of online donating. However, we came back from the UK a month later laden with unnecessary plastic toys - grandparents just gotta give!
Good luck (and happy birthday)
Oh my goodness, yes. I agree. This first birthday (and the next few) will be the easiest to manage in terms of what Grady expects. Which is why I want to set the boundaries now before he's old enough to realize what's going on. I don't want to be the bad guy down the road!
DeleteI think if it's a family party, you can say "no presents" please to people over the phone, or "we don't need anything!", but I personally am against saying anything at all about gifts on an invitation. Essentially what it boils down to is that 1. it's very bad manners to tell people what they can do with their money (even if you're telling them not to spend it!) and 2. some people brings presents anyway and then it sucks for the people who didn't bring them. And people like to buy presents for kids!
ReplyDeleteSo. I never put anything on the invite. Some people don't bring presents, some people bring something small, some people go all out. I don't mind any of these scenarios, obvs. What my kids don't need, I donate or regift.
But I will also say that when your kids get a bit older, well, it's not outside the realm of what's normal that they can expect to/want to/have fun getting presents. It's fun for kids to get presents! You're throwing a party, your kid gets presents, I don't think that's so terrible to expect from people.
I agree that it's very bad manners to tell people what they can do with their money. That's where my dilemma lies. I don't want to dictate what people can or cannot do. But I also don't want them to waste their money if I'm just going to turn around and donate what they give to Grady (because when they spent the money, their expectation was that Grady would be enjoying whatever they spent their money on.) I guess I just have to stop worrying about the expectations of others. It becomes very simple when I stop caring about what others expect. They can spend their money however they choose and I can do whatever I want with the gift they give Grady.
DeleteI think that maybe I'm being a bit too fretty. Birthdays are meant to be fun and part of that fun is giving / receiving gifts. And I don't want to take that away from Grady, especially once he's old enough to know what's going on. The other side of that, though, is there is a huge potential for excessive gift giving (I'm basing this on Grady's first Christmas, not on baseless speculation.)
Oh, and I also think that sometimes it comes across as "We don't trust you to give us something good that we need and want." Obviously this is not your intention, but I have felt that vibe before from people who say "no gifts please."
ReplyDeleteYou know what? I honestly had not thought of it that way (and I have thought about this a LOT.) Thank you.
DeleteWe asked people not to bring gifts to Topher's first birthday party (via a "no gifts, please!" on the invite) but everybody brought something anyway. I think if people want to bring gifts, they will, regardless of what you tell them! Last Christmas we specifically told the grandparents (who tend to go overboard!) that we live in a teeny tiny condo with no room for lots of toys/huge gifts - so when they bought a ton of gifts anyway (!!) - we just left them at their place and Topher gets to play with them when he goes over to visit.
ReplyDeleteOoh! I like this idea! The tractor G received at Christmas lives at his grandparent's house - there's no reason we can't do the same with birthday gifts.
DeleteFrom what I understand it is a faux pas to mention anything about gifts on an invitation, as it assumes that one would be bringing a gift at all, and one should not assume such things.
ReplyDeleteI have hemmed and hawed and agonized and rung my hands over and over about this. In the end, I did put a note that said 'your presence is our present, no gifts please' line on any invitation I have sent (on Violet's 2nd, and 4th birthday parties and at Jane's 2nd).
We have three children, and are the first of our friends to have children and many are on strained budgets. We deeply desire people to come celebrate our children with us, but don't want people to feel obligated to bring a gift, or stressed due to the finances about it. Ultimately, I decided that none of the invitees (my friends!) would even care if I had committed a faux pas. They know me and know I am not a snot (even if it is hard not to sound like one), perhaps I will rethink all this as my children get older and have friends that I don't know.
I have been to parties where children bring canned goods, or $5 donations to a specific fund. That is definitely a fun idea, and then people don't feel like they are 'showing up empty handed' and $5 is definitely more financially possible for some than, say, a $25 plastic toy. Plus, you don't have to deal with copious amounts of material goods. Still, this is ALSO A FAUX PAS because mentioning a dollar amount is not considered acceptable. Sigh....
Oh, and it might help to mention that for the most part when I put 'no presents, please' on the invite, people attending did not bring gifts. The people that did bring something, brought a really small gift (a headband from one, some stickers from the other).
DeletePart of my problem is that I know some people WILL think I'm a snot. People whose opinions don't matter much to me, obviously, but people who do need to be invited to the party to maintain harmonious family relations.
DeleteOn some level, I can relate to your dilemma. We always have used the excuse of "limited space" as a reason to steer clear from bigger gifts (so far, it's worked in our favor!). I think you need to do what feels right for you (and let everyone else digest it in their own time/way). If that means putting "no presents, please" on the invitation, do it (I've gone to other parties where invitations have said this.) If you want to let people buy something, just not a lot, you could make it a themed party ("bring your favorite book") or add something like, "in lieu of presents, please donate to your favorite charity." And, you could say nothing at all and donate everything that doesn't fit your lifestyle. There is no wrong choice ... and as others have suggested, people have a way of hearing what they want to hear.
ReplyDeleteIn other news ... GRADY IS ALMOST ONE? Holy smokes!
I know, right? I can't believe he's almost one. Time is FLYING!
DeleteI love the idea of asking people to bring books but I'm scared that people will bring a book AND a present.
I would not be offended to get an invitation for a party that requested no presents. You could always say that if people feel inclined to bring a gift to please bring a gift for a child at a local charity. People do that for the non-profit I work for all the time and we love the donations!
ReplyDeleteI love this idea I'm just not sure that my family would appreciate this any more than my "no gifts please!" request. Feelings are tough. I really don't want to annoy anyone. I just really don't want an onslaught of stuff either.
Deleteoof, a tough one. i always feel awkward when asked not to bring gifts, because i am a rule-follower. so i don't bring a present, but then as mentioned above i feel terrible when other people DO bring a present and i'm all "shoot, was that a SUGGESTION? was i supposed to assume they were just being polite with that request and really everyone who WANTED TO or could afford to should bring one? AM I NOW A BAD FRIEND HAAALLP"
ReplyDeletepersonally, i would feel good if the option was that no presents were requested but somehow also a link to a charity i could donate to, thereby assuaging any guilt i felt by being showed up by non-rule-following-present-bearers. however i am also not attuned to what is proper or not on invitations.
EXACTLY. I don't want the rule followers to feel bad. I am obviously thinking WAY too much about all this.
DeleteI'm SO not a parent ... but I'm also SO not into the gift-giving/receiving. Would it be inappropriate to ask people, if they insist on giving him something, to put a toonie into an education fund or something?
ReplyDeleteUgh - I WISH I could do this. We set up an education savings fund for G when he was born but everyone ignored it at Christmas.
DeleteWe use the small size of our living space to our advantage. We have no space for lots of toys so the grandparents know that they can only send something small. We also have bank accounts for the kids and RESPs set up. That way if the grandparents want they can contribute to that. Both sets have learned to ask me if something is appropriate or not.This works out most of the time now. You can also go the experience gifts path, like a membership to the aquarium or science world.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
We don't have a bank account for Grady yet but he does have an RESP. I would LOVE it if people would just contribute to the RESP but that request was ignored at Christmas.
DeleteMany birthday parties we've been invited to specify "No gifts necessary." I think this lets people know that gifts aren't expected but it doesn't forbid them either. This is especially true for parties where a whole class of kids is invited, because getting 25-30 presents on top of those from family is just ridiculous! A modern child's birthday party isn't bound by the rules of 1950's etiquette as far as mentioning gifts. I think a variety of messages are acceptable, such as the aforementioned "no gifts necessary," or "in lieu of gifts, please consider donating a book to our public library," or even just a simple "no gifts please." I absolutely respect such requests because I know how quickly our lives are overrun with unnecessary toys.
ReplyDeleteAnother 2 L Hillary! Hi!
DeleteI like the idea of "no gifts necessary" instead of "no gifts please" - it seems less harsh. But I think it would also be less effective. Ugh. I am thinking about this WAY too much.