I have always been an emotional person. Whether my feelings are positive or negative, I feel them hard and strong and wholeheartedly. My mom says that I've always been this way; even as a small child, there was never any grey area with me. I love something or I hate something and though I may reverse my feelings and love something I hated the day before, in the moment I feel no half-way feelings.
Pregnancy hormones have amplified my emotions to a point that would be almost comical if it wasn't so devastating. I feel like I have no control. My anxiety, which once affected my daily life on a mild to moderate scale, has reached a new, terrifying level where yesterday a pile of dirty dishes brought on an actual chest-clenching, can't-breathe, shaky-hands panic attack. Last night I sobbed to Shawn that this is the hardest thing I have ever done and I honestly cannot see myself being able to do it for another five months. Which brought on a new wave of anxiety and desperation because whether I can or can't, I will be doing it for five more months.
I have never experienced lows like I have in the last few months. I scare myself sometimes and I know I'm scaring Shawn. I know on a good day he's annoyed and confused by my emotional highs and lows but on a bad day he's just as desperate as I am. I know that he's trying to understand. I know that he wants to make this as easy as possible for me. But still, I struggle. Every day is a struggle. And I don't know what to do.