Saturday, 6 March 2010

Your Ex-Girlfriend Had A Boyfriend Who Kissed My Girlfriend

The most energy I have expended in the last week is the energy it takes to walk from my bed to the kitchen and back. I have been sick. Disgustingly sick. I-want-to-die-a-little sick. Today was the first day that I felt almost human. Not human enough to shower but human enough to drive to the giant, soulless megastore (which I hate but bathroom cleaner, breakfast cereal, gum, hair dye, and feminine hygiene products are at least 50% cheaper there than at our grocery store.)

It's Saturday night. I haven't showered since ... yesterday? Maybe? My hair was gross so I pulled it back into a ponytail. I grabbed whatever clothes were in the pile beside my bed and got dressed. My outfit consisted of jeans that I had to roll up because they dragged on the floor because I usually wear them with 3-inch heels. Canvas flats that are covered in cartoonish owls (they sound cute. They aren't. But they are comfortable.) A tank top that I've been wearing as a pyjama top for a shameful amount of days (with no bra on underneath, obviously) and a bright orange hoodie. I think it goes without saying that I was not wearing makeup.

So I head to the feminine hygiene product aisle where I have a bit of a crisis. My brand is massively on sale so of course it's sold out. I don't have a backup brand so I decide to buy a variety of brands to pick a reliable backup so I will never again have a feminine hygiene product crisis. I load up on three boxes of assorted ladybits products and head towards the cereal aisle.

Where I run into one of my ex-boyfriends ... or his identical twin brother. I honestly don't know which guy it was (which, yes, I know, makes me look a bit bad but in my defense, when I dated the guy I could always tell which one was which AND I dated him a million years ago so let's not get too judgey, okay?)

So we're awkwardly making small talk and he asks what I'm doing in the giant, soulless megastore on a Saturday night and I make a comment about how I'm sick and just stocking up on the essentials. At which point he looks in my basket. My basket of assorted lady products AND NOTHING ELSE.

It was awesome.

Even more awesome was when he craned his neck to look around me and into my basket again as he told me about this vapour mask thingy that his mom is using because she's really sick right now and the mask really works and I should pick one up. At which point I may have become really shrill as I told him it was really nice running into him and I had to go and take care and byeeeee as I ran into the nearest aisle. Which just happened to be the cat food aisle. Because nothing says "I've grown since dating you (or your brother) and I'm a mature adult with an enviable life" like buying tampons and cat food on a Saturday night.


  1. Lol. I shouldn't laugh at your sickness or having to haul your ass to the icky megastore of doom but...too funny! I always run into people at the most inopportune times too. I recently ran into one of my patients in the condom isle. With a container of lube in my hand. Wonderful... :)

    Feel better soon!

  2. Stop it, you evil woman. Stop making me laugh. My lungs hurt and you're not helping.

    And xoxb? If I got "bumped into" by my ex in the gross-ry store on a Saturday night, I'd take lube over tampons, ANY DAY. Lube infers that you have a sex life (I hope). Tampons and cat food? Not so much. Still, I can appreciate your discomfort and I'm glad it's never happened to me!

  3. That is EXACTLY why I'm too scared to leave my house without pulling myself together. That, and the fact that half my town reads my blog.

  4. Oh man. This is one of the best blog posts I've read in months.

    It's these moments that make all the other ones so easy to handle, though, you know?

  5. LOL this cracked me up.

    It does always seem to be the worst moments when we run into someone (or their brother).

  6. oh effing no. note to self. never buy tampons first. always buy them last and hide them under other purchases.
    on another note - did you find a brand you like?

  7. Lol, oh dear. But let's not forget that your ex was also there on a Saturday night so don't feel too bad.

  8. Yeah, you feel awful and sick but you have an awesome story to show for it. :-)

  9. "Because nothing says "I've grown since dating you (or your brother) and I'm a mature adult with an enviable life" like buying tampons and cat food on a Saturday night."


    That's so cringeworthy but so very very entertaining!!

    Feel better soon my lovely!

  10. haaaaa oh NO. i'm so sorry. for both your illness AND running into your ex (or his brother, hee).

    this is why it's nice to have moved around a bit during my dating years - makes it VERY UNLIKELY to run into an ex. helpful! :-)

  11. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so crappy, but your trip to the store did make me laugh. It seems like you always run into people you know when you are feeling crappy or buying the female products.

    You totally should have sent Shawn to the store. That's what I would have done!

  12. If it makes you feel better, I looked at Sweets on Friday night and asked him when was the last time we actually went out on a Friday night. We thought about it for a minute. And realized it's been about TWO YEARS. So, at least you have the SICK factor to use as your excuse. We have none.

  13. *laugh* Fabulous.
    Once, I was in the grocery line up with Monistat and a litre of cranberry juice and a microwave dinner for one when the guy behind me started striking up conversation, only to be stopped cold by his friend coughing, laughing, and pointing at my groceries.

  14. I once bought yeast infection treatment and two large boxes of condoms with large promotional sale stickers on them. (I'm allergic to latex and they were on sale 50% off and those things are expensive.)

    Semi-fortunately my checker was this super-nice young lady with down syndrome, who remembers me by name every time I go to the store. Maybe she was not aware enough of the items I was buying to pass the judgment I would have made in her place? Here's hoping!

  15. That is beyond hilarious and totally par for the course.
    I mean, how many times do we run into an ex while sick and gross and carrying things like that?
    WAY too often if you ask me.
    I have 'backups' hidden throughout my apartment just for that reason. I've never truly run out... yet... as I seem to have two in that purse I haven't used in a month or two or more... two in that overnight bag, blah blah blah. By nature i'm irritatingly organized like that though, so what can I say? I sometimes hate me too.
    Cheer up, could be worse, you could still be with that guy :)

  16. I feel totally justified in my decision to have groceries - including feminine products - delivered, based on your post!

    Great blog --- So great that I am very happy to give you the Happy 101 Blog Award ---

  17. Holy crap, lady you make me laugh. You know when you were 14 and reading all of those preteen magazines with the 'mortifying stories' sections? You should submit that. Haha.

    Hope you're feeling better!

  18. lol! Oh no!!! no no no!!

    This has happened to me too and I SO feel your pain. Maybe the appropriate response in this day and age is to upload some really hot photos of yourself to facebook? No lady products in sight?


  19. Cringe. Oh, lady. This would happen to me. I dated a twin too... (twinsies). But the one I dated was WAY HOTTER than his brother so it was always easy to tell which was which.

    When I go to the store without makeup in my sweats, that is the day I run into someone a. from high school b. from work c. who i dated.

    Life is not fair.

  20. My darling. One, I hope you feel much much much better very soon.

    And two, he (or his brother) was also in the big soulless megastore on a Saturday night. And the fact that he was interested in what was in your basket but you were not craning your neck to figure out what he was purchasing says something.

    Which I hope makes you feel better. Because this kind of situation super sucks.