So I've got thyroid cancer. Papillary/follicular cancer to be exact. My bastard thyroid is not content with only one type of cancer. Fucking overachiever grew two.
I don't know what to think. I don't know how to act. I fluctuate between numb and white-hot rage. I know I'm still processing. I know there will be other feelings but right now there is nothing or there is anger. I am SO pissed. I am the maddest. I ... don't even know why. Or at whom. I'm just ... angry. So angry.
The next step is to have the exact same surgery as I just had to grab the rest of my thyroid. Hopefully that will happen within the next month. For now I just wait. My doctors won't make a treatment plan until after the next surgery.
The good news is that thyroid cancer is extremely treatable. The bad news is that it's not all that reassuring to hear. I feel like I'm supposed to be fucking glad or something. People keep telling me it's the best cancer to have. So ... wheeee? I am trying to stay positive but it's exhausting. I'm so tired, you guys.
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Regardless if it's the "best" to have (seriously WTF with that?) you have cancer so you get to have all the feelings. It's fucking scary to hear you have cancer. Everything changes after that. It sucks. I get it. Feel the feelings. Eat the pie. Cry. Scream. Keep talking. Keep letting people listen. Xoxox
ReplyDeleteI don't have anything wise to say, so I'll just say this: fuck cancer.
ReplyDeletexo
No such thing as a good cancer. You are getting through the way you know how. Big, massive hugs & another FUCK YOU to cancer. :/
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are valid. There is no such thing as a "good" cancer to have. Feel what you feel and if it's not grateful that's perfectly fine. You have cancer. It's not like you stubbed your toe peeing in the middle of the night.
ReplyDeleteXoxo. Sending you happy vibes and mental hugs.
Oh my god. I'd been hoping it was nothing. Please be ok. xx
ReplyDeleteTreatable is good news but holy hell that is the worst good news ever.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that. I hope treatment goes as well as possible. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteBe sad, be angry, be whatever you need to be to kick this cancer's ass.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
Bugger!
ReplyDeleteHaving "the best cancer to have" is still having fucking cancer. You can feel whatever you feel and not feel guilty. This is really shitty. I'm really sorry. I am thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteFeel your feelings, as silly as that sounds you have every right to feel what you are feeling. Fuck Cancer!
ReplyDelete"Best cancer to have?" Pffft - Any cancer is shitastic to have, but at least some of more "treatable" than others. Sending good vibes your way, and treat that cancer with an ass kicking! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteFuck all this shit. You are amazing and can feel all the feelings you want. I know you're probably overwhelmed with internet hugs and love, but here's some more from me. <3 <3
ReplyDeleteOh, man, fuck that shit. I am so, so sorry to hear this. I was hoping it would turn out to be nothing. And you're right-- the "best" cancer is still fucking cancer. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you, from another internet stranger.
ReplyDeleteNo cancer is the "best cancer" that must be so annoying - it's not best anything- just is. Kick it's butt.
ReplyDeleteTerribly sorry. I wish there was something useful I could do.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts.
That sucks. When the medical community tells you it's the best cancer you can have, they do so with good intentions. Because, they see some scary ass shit and their perspective is skewed. But, your perspective is now before-cancer and after-cancer. And no matter what they say, it's totally scary and full of unknowns. Hang in there. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeletethis sucks the big one. I am so sorry. I am thinking of you and insisting on all best outcomes from here on out. Hugs.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDelete'its the best cancer' meh! people just try and grab onto something to say to try and make you and THEMSELVES feel better. The reality is few people are capable of really empathizing and trying or even wanting to understand what its like for someone having a had the floor fall beneath them. You are currently floating in space without anything to hold onto. The reality you once knew is far from what it is right now! its simply not in many peoples understanding to think this deeply - lets go to the easy though 'lets all be grateful your not gonna die' but its not about that! Its about right this second - this moment in time... and its so raw that every emotion is rising to the surface and the anger comes right to the top for all the obvious reasons.. Sod the fact its good cancer - lets strip back to the fact we all take our body for granted - our body is the greatest thing we will EVER own so when its not working properly, or it gets damaged or when it gets invaded my shitfucksocks cancer.. good or bad *rolls eyes* LIFE FUCKING SUCKS! and you know what.. people who expect you to sing la la la its all gonna be ok are unwise fools who don't understand that you HAVE to be free to go through the process, you have to feel each emotion and be with it so you can understand it bit by bit, moment by moment - and only then when you start to get a bit of control floating in space doesn't feel so scary, you start to figure out there's a jet pack on your pack and you climatise ... then you can start candy flossing this blog up with "good cancer gratitude until then... FUCK IT
I LOVE YOU XXXXX
The best cancer to have is NO cancer. There is no "good kind," although I'm sure the fact that it's very treatable will be somewhat comforting to you at some point. For what it's worth, I know multiple people who have had thyroid cancer, gotten through the sucky part, and are back to being 100% now. For now, just let yourself be angry, even if you don't have someone to be angry with. Cancer can suck it.
ReplyDeleteWell. That's just absolute shit. Complete and absolute shit.
ReplyDeleteCancer sucks balls. Jeez. My words are inadequate.
You're absolutely right Hillary! It absolutely sucks the biggest one ever to hear the words that you've got cancer. I feel extremely privelliged to have the opportunity to read your blog. You are a strong and resilient person from the looks of things. Your son is lucky to have you. I've just undergone my 3rd fight with papillary thyroid cancer. It's a difficult journey to go through being the mom of a young boy. I can attest to that. I hope you find strength in those around you. I am sending my best of prayers and good wishes to you. There's no type of cancer that is good enough to have. xo Melissa "www.keenmommy.com
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Hillary, hope this next month flies by really quickly because it sounds like the waiting and uncertainty is the worst and hardest part. Ugh, be as mad as you need to be.
ReplyDeleteThat sucks so, so much. I am so sorry Hillary.
ReplyDeleteOh Hillary I'm so so sorry. Thinking of you. XO
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say. I can't imagine what it's like to hear those words. You'll get through this. We're all rooting for you and sending you big love.
ReplyDeletefuck cancer. seriously fuck it and it's overachieving ways. blergh.
ReplyDeleteoh man. that sucks. i came on here, hoping it was going to be "nothing". i'm so sorry. delurking from northern bc
ReplyDeleteWell shit...I'm sorry to hear this. My nurse friend is dealing with thyroid Ca too. I think it is her 3rd time around but she didn't have it removed. Radiation. Anyways, she started a blog recently about her cancer. Maybe it will be helpful to read? http://www.keenmommy.com
ReplyDeleteMy doctor said the same thing to me 6 mons ago when an ultrasound confirmed a growth on my thyroid. Charges are still pending from when I sucker punched him.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how you feel and my heart goes out to you. Be strong and show your bastard overachieving thyroid (I may steal this, with credit to you) that you too are overachieving and going to kick its sorry little ass.
(came via Angella)
Angella sent me. Just wanted to offer my support, good thoughts and a raucous chest bump or something, but not too raucous because I also just read that you have some broken ribs. Shit, girl.
ReplyDeleteHillary, I was sent here by Angella. I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis and I know that no matter what kind of cancer it is, it’s still cancer and it’s completely terrifying.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was diagnosed with colon cancer last year. Lucky for him (ha!) he was having serious kidney stone attacks and was going through lots of tests in preparation for stone blasting surgery. Through the tests, something flagged weird, he got sent for a colonoscopy and a tumour was detected.
A tumour, they told us it was probably cancer about 5 minutes after they saw it. Before it was biopsied even. Cancer. I never expected to hear that word and I was terrified. Fortunately for us, it was found really early. He had a hemicolectomy (major surgery). His tumour was contained to the section of the bowel where they found it. They biopsied the lymph nodes around the section of the colon they removed. They were clear, his other organs looked good (confirmed by CT scan). The surgeons were able to remove the cancer and he didn’t need any radiation or chemo.
Exactly 10 month ago today, I stood next him to the colonoscopy clinic and heard someone tell me that my husband had cancer. He had a “good “ kind of tumour, in the “good” part of the colon (ascending is better than descending if you have to have some kind of colorectal cancer) and didn’t have to have the post-surgical treatments so, as cancer goes, we were lucky. It was detected early, etc. That does not diminish the fear and anxiety we felt when he received his diagnosis: easily treatable, detected early, good cancer, whatever… it’s still cancer. It’s still frustrating and infuriating and terrifying. It’s perfectly normal to feel angry, sad, frustrated and crazy. It’s a crazy-making situation this cancer nonsense is.
I don’t pray but I shall send you good vibes and positive wishes that you experience the same kind of fast, wonderful care that we received here in Ontario (he had his surgery less than four weeks from the date of his colonoscopy) and that your journey is quick, like ours was. I will also add that we found that if you can approach the whole thing with a sense of humour, that helps too. Best of luck to you. Looking forward to hearing about how you kicked the ass of cancer, hard, in a few months!!
Well, shit. I don't know what else to say. Shit.
ReplyDelete