Monday, 27 May 2013

Happy

I found out that I was pregnant with Grady very early in my pregnancy. I walked around for weeks hiding my big secret. I felt horrible. Hot until I was cold. Nauseous until I was ravenous. Always on the verge of tears because everything was changing and I was scared and how dare that idiot cut me off in traffic when I was so clearly in such a fragile state? I felt so poorly and so different. Like there was a huge neon sign with flashy lights hovering above my head shouting "pregnant! Pregnant!" - everyone should have been able to tell that I was pregnant because I was feeling every second of my pregnancy. 

Cancer is the same way. I'm harbouring this secret while being irrationally angry that people can't just tell. It's not that I want any special treatment for having cancer. I just want people to be nice. I want people to not shoot me a dirty look when I'm walking through the veggie market and my kid is screeching "miiiiine" because he wants the orange I just put in my grocery basket and I'm ignoring him because if I open my mouth to tell him that actually that orange is not in fact his, I may vomit. I want people to not literally sigh and roll their eyes at me when they hold the elevator for me and I don't speed up because I'm exhausted. I want people to stop telling me to sleep when Grady sleeps (seriously, people, stop saying this. To everyone. Just stop.) Or I want a big neon Cancer sign with flashy Cancer lights so people will fuck right off and stop judging me. I am feeling every second of my cancer. 

I don't get a squishy newborn at the end of my cancer. I don't get a cancer shower with little cancer onesies and chocolate cancer cupcakes. I get something better (I hope.) At the end of my cancer I want to live like I have no time. No time for rage. No time for stupid fights or stubborn pride. I will suffer no fools. I will speak my mind and harbour no bad feelings. I will chase my dreams and I will tell people I love them. All the damn time. 

I will be my own neon sign with flashy lights shouting "happy! Happy! Happy!"
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11 comments:

  1. Sarah27 May 2013 at 17:30

    I love you.

    I have nothing else to add, just felt like telling you that. :)

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  2. Sizzle27 May 2013 at 19:32

    I have been trying to do all those things, post cancer. Some days I'm a lot better at it but I keep at it. I definitely do not suffer fools. I recommend it. xoxo

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  3. Anonymous27 May 2013 at 20:16

    I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. And, also? I kind of want to fly up there and throw you a post-cancer shower. Because this seems like the best idea ever. With cake. Lots of cake.

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  4. Angella28 May 2013 at 07:20

    Oh, we so need to throw a big post-cancer party. You deserve that and so much more. xo

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  5. Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks28 May 2013 at 09:00

    I sort of love the idea of a post-cancer shower. You might be onto something.

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  6. Lemon Gloria28 May 2013 at 18:00

    Dear Hillary, you should have a huge post-cancer party where everyone brings you presents. for sure. You can rage and not rage and you can dance and you can tell everyone you love them. Do all the things that make you happy and free.

    Also, Nick's dad said to a very dear friend of mine (who coincidentally moved to the same town Nick grew up in) who dropped by to pick me up at their house last fall, "I hope you don't mind if I don't get up. I have cancer." I feel like you should feel free to drop that at any moment. "Could you push the third floor button please? I can't reach; I have cancer."

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  7. -J29 May 2013 at 05:30

    Post-cancer party. Brilliant.

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  8. Katelin29 May 2013 at 14:19

    um, a post cancer party sounds excellent. and i just love how optimistic and happy you are with this post. because really there is no time for rage or idiots or people that don't make you the happiest.

    sending all the hugs and awesomeness. xoxo

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  9. tarator29 May 2013 at 16:32

    Cancer shower. Let's make it happen. I will make the thyroid cupcakes.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Unknown30 May 2013 at 18:34

    I totally love the cancer party idea! I think you're on to something. I will have one too and we can exchange notes! Thinking of you and if you ever wanna talk cancer and bash it.. let me know.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Unknown30 May 2013 at 18:34

    I totally love the cancer party idea! I think you're on to something. I will have one too and we can exchange notes! Thinking of you and if you ever wanna talk cancer and bash it.. let me know.

    ReplyDelete

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