My little sister is due to give birth three days after my surgery. I saw her on Saturday and she is so pregnant and so beautiful. She is a glowy pregnant lady. She is skinny all over with this gorgeous big bump and I am so happy for her but I am also jealous.
Which is utterly and completely ridiculous.
I am nowhere near ready for another baby. Shawn and I don't even know if we want to (try to) add more kids to our family. Before this cancer thing hit, people had started asking when we were going to try for kid #2 (like it's a given - what is up with that?) and we would hem and haw and one of us would finally say, "2016? Ish?" And we would be serious.
But here I am, sad and jealous of pregnant ladies (because, umm, everyone is pregnant right now. Seriously. Have you seen Twitter lately? It's all pregnancy announcements and beautiful bumps and squishy newborns.)
So just to sum up: I don't want to be pregnant. I don't want a baby. I'm just mad that I can't get pregnant / have a baby (right now! Who knows what the future holds.)
I am crazy is what I'm saying.
(Also? I think it goes without saying but I'll say it anyway: I am so happy for my sister and all the pregnant ladies / squishy newborns. Honestly. And if I die from thyroid cancer I fully expect there to be at least one little Hillary - with 2 L's goddammit - running around next year because what good is dying from cancer if you don't get at least one squishy newborn named in your honour?)
(I don't think I'm going to die from thyroid cancer. I think I'm going to die of old lady disease when I am 97 years old.)
This should probably just stay in my drafts folder, hey?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No! These are perfectly legitimate worries and feelings. If you maybe want something in the future and that thing is possibly not ever going to happen you can get as pissed as you want. It doesn't have to make sense. And your people with babies or baby bumps should understand.
ReplyDeleteNo! These are perfectly legitimate worries and feelings. If you maybe want something in the future and that thing is possibly not ever going to happen you can get as pissed as you want. It doesn't have to make sense. And your people with babies or baby bumps should understand.
ReplyDeleteNope. Glad you published it.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to sit on a rocker next to you in our nineties, lady. xo
My best friend had that worry after getting a cist on her only remaining ovary. She has two gorgeous children and her worry was no more - even though she's not sure if she wants more....
ReplyDeleteYou're fabulous - just going through emotions.
And 'Hillary' with two L's is a lovely name for any squishy kid ;)
Nothing to add really, just that I totally get it. I'm super baby hungry right now. And the thought of having to go through IVF again makes me so mad, why can't I just get pregnant like a regular lady. Ummm, not to hijack your comments or anything.
ReplyDelete(Oh, and not to state the obvious, but I'm baby hungry and I HAVE A BABY. heee.)
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I suggested Hillary as a name. Abe couldn't get the image of Hilary from Fresh Prince of Bel Air out of his head, though.
ReplyDeleteYou better make it to 97 - who will I read to make me laugh without you around?
ReplyDeleteHahaha, I loved this post, because it was a beautiful (and sometimes funny) ramble from the mind of Hillary with 2 L's. And, I can relate to your feelings. Sweets and I agreed: NO MORE BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN. And yet, I find myself a tad bit sad to see other friends, who had their first babies around the same time as us, moving on to second children. I worry that the changed family dynamic will mean a changed friendship dynamic (which is totally ludicrous, but I never claimed sanity).
ReplyDelete