All My Life Things Change

I turned 30 last month. I wore a too-short dress with too-high heels. I painted my lips bright red and drank French 75s. She changed her flight and flew home early, staying awake for 26 hours straight so that she could wish me a happy birthday - in person - on my real birthday.

My birthday was big and momentous and I was expecting to feel so different afterward. And I guess, in a way, I did. I left my twenties behind. I can relax now.

I spent the first few years of my twenties treating people poorly. Not out of malice, just out of laziness really. I didn't have to be nice or make an effort because I was young and cute and I got away with a lot. Then I moved to England and I was alone - really alone - for the first time in my entire life. I learned a lot about myself. I met amazing people and saw amazing things and when I moved back to Canada in my mid-twenties I was a different person.

My mid-to-late twenties were spent in a whirlwind of trying to do this before I turned 30 or trying to achieve that while I was still young. It wasn't a bad thing. I accomplished a lot. I just look back now and realize that I never really took the time to enjoy my accomplishments. I was always planning the next big thing. I consumed my achievements. Chewed them up and spat them out. There was no time to savour what I'd done because I was already knee-deep in my next endeavour.

I'm 30. I left my job three months ago. I left my high-paying, benefits-included job three months ago. I spend my days cutting oranges into bite-sized pieces and changing diapers and worrying about money. Twenty-five year old me would roll her eyes at today's me. And I'm okay with that. If there's one thing that becoming Grady's mom has taught me it's that things change. All the time. Today sucks? Well maybe tomorrow won't. Grady woke up 15 times last night? Maybe next week he'll sleep through the night. Breastfeeding makes you curl your toes with pain and tears run down your face? Maybe tomorrow you won't feel a thing.

I expected to turn 30 and wake up the next day feeling different. It actually took until I was 30 plus a month and a couple of days but it happened. I am 30 and I spent the weekend surrounded by amazing women, learning amazing things, and my life will be forever changed. I am training to become a doula. I know what I want to be when I grow up. And I am so happy.