Wednesday 5 October 2011

And We Won’t Spit With Our Mouths Or Draw Lines In The Dirt With Our Heels And Every Single Day We’ll Just Wait And Hope To See The Next One

I went a little crazy after Grady was born.

At first I felt like a goddamn warrior for birthing my 8lb 6.5oz baby without an epidural. I was on a new baby high for days. I felt like I could do anything. 

The nurses told me to expect to feel a little "blue" and after a few days I did start to feel weepy and low. It didn't get better, though, the way they told me it would. The sadness didn't go away. The anxiety didn't abate. 

Looking back, I can see how certain situations contributed to my crazy (Shawn got a grand total of 4 days off work after Grady was born; Wolfgang got very sick when Grady was 12 days old and for a week we didn't know if he was going to pull through; my maternity leave application was held up with no explanation and Wolfgang's unexpected $1,000 vet bill put a serious dent in our bank account; after a mild summer, we had two weeks of hot temperatures which, combined with the hormones, made me a literal hot mess) but at the time I couldn't identify and deal with them individually, it just felt like one thing after another piling on top of an already unmanageable situation (because newborns? Refuse to be managed. Grady has earned his nickname of Little Tyrant.)

I tried to convince myself that what I was feeling was normal. That the anxiety that prevented me from leaving my bedroom for days, the crying that left me red-faced and gulping for air on the bathroom floor, and the guilt that I was somehow harming my baby by being such a failure, were all just part of the "baby blues" that the nurses had warned me about. And for a while I succeeded. Shawn would come home from work day after day to find me huddled in the dark, rocking Grady and crying, and he would ask me if we needed to call the doctor. I would get very shrill and tell him that this was normal and nothing was wrong with me and why wasn't he on my team (my crazy makes me manipulative. I'm not proud.)

The thing is, even though part of me knew that what I was feeling wasn't normal, the other (crazy) part of me was convinced that I didn't need help. The nurses in the hospital and the pamphlet sent home with me made me think that unless I was about to hurt myself or someone else, I didn't need help. Which isn't logical. I know that now. But in the throes of my crazy, I was able to convince myself that as long as I wasn't suicidal, I was okay and what I was experiencing was normal and fine. I didn't want to be the lady who couldn't handle having a baby. I was ashamed that my anxiety was dictating my life (and Grady's life.) I was locked in this horrible spiral of "what if" thinking (what if I drop the baby? what if I go to the grocery store and someone steals the baby? what if I'm driving and someone hits me and the baby?) and I didn't know how to stop it but I was too scared to ask for help (what if I tell my doctor and they take away my baby?)

Three weeks ago I went for my followup appointment with the doctor who delivered Grady. Before starting the exam, she sat down and asked how I was doing. And then she sat with me for the next hour while I cried and admitted to every single destructive thought I'd had over the past seven weeks. Instead of doing my physical exam, my rockstar doctor came up with a plan and gently but firmly told me what I was going to do. It was exactly what I needed. I needed someone to say "this isn't normal and this is what you are going to do to fix it."

I've been working to fix myself for three weeks. I have a plan and I have support. For the first time since Grady was born, I feel like I'm seeing things clearly. I'm not there yet - I don't feel like me - but I'm on my way.

I'm so glad because I get to enjoy this guy even more.


23 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this, but SO, SO, SO glad you have help and support.

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  2. Oh Hillary. I've been so worried about you, and I'm so glad you're getting help. So, so, SO glad.

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  3. Oh, you've been through so much! But I am So glad you're getting help and slowly coming out of the fog, back to who you truly are. You are a most excellent momma, wife and human being. Always.

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  4. Oh, I'm so glad you have a doctor that is helping you and you have a way through! *hug*

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  5. Did my comment get eaten? Argh.

    I am SO PROUD of you for talking to your Doctor and I am SO HAPPY that you're rising up.

    I will hug you SO HARD when you're here in a few weeks.

    Love you!

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  6. Oh, I am so glad your doctor was lovely and firm, and so glad that the clouds are slowly parting.

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  7. I'm so sorry you've been going through this, but I'm so happy that you're working to get through it. You're strong and brave, though you may not feel like it. And don't ever feel like you're a bad mom, because you're not. Grady is lucky to have you.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

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  8. I felt this way and never asked for help... stoopid me. I battled it, and still haven't come out the other side 4 months after my daughter was born and am now seeing that I really should talk to my dr asap.

    You are awesome for helping yourself, and an amazing mum. Thank you for the kick up the rear end. xx

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  9. I am so happy and grateful for your doctor.

    I think "what if I tell my doctor and they take away my baby?" is one of the worse feelings ever. I remember that: what if I admit I need help, and they agree and it means they take the children away? Ug. Awful feeling.

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  10. I want to fly to Canada right now to hug you and tell you how proud I am of you and how sorry I am that you've had to go through this. You are an awesome lady, I hope you know that. xoxo.

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  11. Dude, I was *really* worried about you for a while there. I even told my girlfriend one night, I'm really worried about Hillary. She doesn't sound like she's herself.

    I am very glad that you were able to find the courage to tell your doctor and that things are hopefully improving.

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  12. You are very brave to write this. Thank you, your honesty will help so many others in the same situation or in the future.

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  13. You are so brave for sharing - thank you. I remember being in the same place and being so afraid. I'm so proud of you for taking it on and telling your doctor - that's the hardest thing!

    Grady is absolutely adorable! So glad that you're doing well together.

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  14. You are such an amazing person. Amazing for birthing such a big boy! Amazing for largely caring for him by yourself while Shawn has to work. Amazing for admitting that things don't feel right. And amazing for being so courageous and addressing what's not right. You're also an amazing mother ... I am quite certain that even when you might not have been taking the best care of yourself, you were helping Grady to thrive, to live, to survive his first weeks of life. Don't bemoan all that you've done!

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  15. I love the way you share your stories: with so much boldness and honesty and stripped-bare beauty.

    And I have no doubt you will rise triumphantly through this, friend. Not a single doubt at all.

    In the meantime, hugs and felt mustaches piling up for you.

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  16. Oh good! GOOD! I'm so glad you had someone that could do that for you, and I'm happy you're on the right path. And damn if your kid isn't adorable.

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  17. I am glad your dr is awesome and that things are getting better. Don't forget how amazing you are at just being you. Everything else will fall into place. Love.

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  18. Hugs to you from Texas. You have one sweet, adorable little boy there - great photo of the two of you!

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  19. I'm so sorry you went through this -- but I'm SO proud of you for seeking help. And so happy that you have support & that things are getting better. I think it's really wonderful & brave of you to share your story. It sounds like tons of moms can relate. Grady really is so lucky to have you as his mama. That picture of the two of you is so sweet. Happy Thanksgiving! <3 XOXOXO

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  20. Soooo, I emailed you, because my comment turned into a novel. xo
    -Meg

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  21. very honest... thank you for sharing these difficult words.. *hugs*

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  22. so glad you're starting to feel like you a bit and have help and support. heart you lady. also super heart that picture, the little tyrant is just too adorable.

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  23. Glad to hear things are starting to fall into place and that you have people that support you.

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