Monday, 2 May 2011

But Do You Really Feel Alive Without Me

I make no secret of the fact that I love control. I am unapologetically Type A. I have my way of doing things and it is the right way. I am stubborn and decisive and headstrong and unbending. I don't say it with pride. I say it because it is. Both a flaw and a virtue and completely ingrained in my character.

Willie is my surprise fetus. I love him. I don't resent him. I resent being pregnant. The distinction is important to me. I don't know why.

I thought I was doing a good job at this Surprise!Pregnancy! thing. I read books and took my vitamins and found a doctor. I have tried to accept that this pregnancy is happening to me instead of happening according to my plan. I thought I was pulling it off but I'm not. I'm brittle. The slightest friction breaks me and I wind up in tears for what feels like the 80th time that day. I was bent over the examination table this morning, getting a giant needle in my butt (thanks, Rh-negative blood!) and I couldn't help but feel rage in place of my normal needle anxiety. I'm angry. I feel claustrophobic in my own body. I have no control over my emotions. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. Which is all normal, I know. But knowing that I'm experiencing normal pregnancy highs and lows doesn't make it any easier. I try to channel my dear, nutty friend who happens to be the loveliest, most positive person I've ever met and I try to focus on the light at the end of this tunnel (the light being Willie, who has definitely upped his activity levels this week and doesn't hesitate to give me a good kick when I'm feeling blue.) I know that things will improve and even if they don't, this pregnancy is not indefinite. In 11-ish weeks I'll be done. I can absolutely last that long (I say with more force and confidence than I'm currently feeling.)


  1. I think it's a really important distinction. You can hate the process without hating the result.

    You can do this. 11-ish more weeks and you'll have a little bundle of squishy to enjoy and you WON'T be pregnant anymore. And that's a good thing.

  2. Only 11 weeks? You totally got this. You are awesome and strong. You can totally do this.

  3. Exactly as you said, you've totally got this.

    Also, it's totally okay to hate being pregnant. I think the internet is all to full of "OMG I LOOOOOOOVE being pregnant. It's wonderful and fabulous". Without having experienced it, all I can think of is the nausea, pain, pregnant waddle and lack of alcohol and sushi. It doesn't sound too fun to me.

  4. To be honest, I didn't love pregnancy, either. It was a means to an end. I also know women who didn't love breastfeeding, either, and did it out of necessity, but celebrated the day they could stop. It doesn't make us bad mothers. We don't have to love everything about parenting. But, as you said, that doesn't mean we don't love our children. Hang in there.

  5. As tough as it is right now, it is a blessing, and I thank you for being real about it in a world that's overloaded with posts from pregnant ladies that are almost enough to convince you in a few weeks they'll be delivering a unicorn instead of a baby. You're in the home stretch, and it'll go by in a flash, and soon you'll be BASKING in the light on the other side of the tunnel :)

  6. Oh, Hillary. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I appreciate your honesty. It always seems we hear about how amazing! and wonderful! pregnancy is, but in my experience that doesn't seem to be the norm. Most of my friends haven't enjoyed their pregnancies either.

    I know you'll make it through this, though! Just keep thinking about the moment you get to meet Willie :-)

  7. listen you crazy byatch, your hormones are running wild and you can’t use alcohol or caffeine to contain them, and quite frankly even me mrs happy clappy here would probably have had pissed off moment if i had a gigantic needle in my bum.
    if it’s any consolation, the love of pregnancy number 2 kicked in at about 30 weeks - by that point id accepted it for what it was, I wasn’t ever going to sleep, or be skinny with a little bump, or get rid of the constant pain in my hips – once I’d accepted that this pregnancy wasn’t anything like the first I stopped being disappointed.
    Anyway – here’s a song swap for you xxx LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

  8. ps - anyway, you looking too fucking hot pregnant and actully i dont like you anymore

  9. I am not at all a control freak and I HATED the lack of control in pregnancy. Someone else has taken over your body and you won't get it back for a long time. It's very hard. Hang in there.

  10. You've totally got this, lady.

    Pregnancy is HARD. People who tell you otherwise are either lying, or should be shot.

    (I'm kidding. Sort of.)

    Hang in here! And you know we're here to listen whenever you need to vent.