Thursday, 8 September 2011

I Know You've Grown Tired Of Trying To Fix Me And I Know By Now My Best Years They Are No Longer With Me

I thought that when Grady was born, I'd still be me, just with a kid. I was completely unprepared for how not me I'd feel. I've still got all the pieces of my life - Shawn, my family, my friends, my body, my job, and so on. They just don't fit together like they used to. I feel like an orange. The separate pieces of my life used to make a whole. Now I feel peeled and segmented. My pieces don't fit together to make a whole anymore. How do you put an orange back together? I'll never be an orange again. I'll be an orange held together with tape. Some of my pieces might need to be smushed a little to fit back in. Some might need to be left out completely. Which is fine, really. I can handle that. I just don't know how to find the tape to hold myself together again. I'm desperately trying to hold on to all of my pieces so I don't lose any before I figure that out.
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16 comments:

  1. Diane8 September 2011 at 09:57

    Oh, honey. You will feel whole again. You are going through a really, really rough time right now, and I hope someone in your day-to-day life is noticing and helping put you back together and prop you up. Please PLEASE know that I am certainly not sick of listening, not by a long shot, and if you need to cry or vent or scream or anything, do not hesitate. Though surely it was different and I would not begin to try to compare the two, I went through a very dark time when my first was born. You will get through this -- just keep reaching out. I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time.

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  2. Ginger8 September 2011 at 10:01

    Right now, let your friends and family be your tape. Make them (and us!) help you hold it together, until you feel like you're put back--however long that takes.

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  3. Swistle8 September 2011 at 10:04

    It takes quite awhile, but things do fall into place. Coasting is probably the mode for right now, rather than reassembling.

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  4. Marie8 September 2011 at 10:04

    I'm so sorry lady that you're going through this. But just as everyone is saying, right now you need to lean as much as possible on family AND friends. We've all got your back. Lean as much as you need.

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  5. Bearca8 September 2011 at 10:29

    This is survival mode and is NOT permanent. I recall that piecey feeling well and it is very odd indeed. Time, support, being kind to yourself and possibly lots of chocolate will help. I promise.

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  6. Jonniker8 September 2011 at 11:23

    You'll get there. Just hang together as best as you can, dangly tape and all. You will get together again. You will. I absolutely promise. You will.

    In the meantime, sending you love.

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  7. Sara8 September 2011 at 11:58

    This is when it's the hardest and, like everyone else has said, it will and does get better. We promise you that. Go slowly, be kind to yourself, and lean on those close to you.

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  8. Angella8 September 2011 at 12:05

    Hang in there, sweet Hills. We're all here for you and so are those close by. If you ever need to talk, I'm only a phone call away.

    It gets better. Promise.

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  9. Ashley8 September 2011 at 13:54

    I think that maybe after this is over, you won't be an orange anymore. You'll be an orange tree. All the pieces will still be there, but slightly rearranged, and positively more beautiful and majestic than before.

    You're gonna be a great tree. :)

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  10. Sizzle8 September 2011 at 13:54

    I remember how hard this time was for my sister too. It does get better. I'm glad you're talking about it. Keeping it inside won't help. Big hugs.

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  11. Sarah8 September 2011 at 18:34

    Clearly I haven't had a kid so I can't relate or give you any advice so I'll just say this:

    I heart you! Big hugs lady!

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  12. Mama Bub8 September 2011 at 21:16

    You WILL get there. I felt so lost after I had Benjamin. I knew babies, I had spent a lot of time around babies and children, and yet I was so totally unprepared for how I would feel when one was mine. Also, I mistakenly thought that being a stay at home parent meant that I could watch all of the TV that I want and sleep in. I mean, the TV part wasn't so far off. I have been where you are and it isn't a fun place, but you will come out the other side of this.

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  13. Alice9 September 2011 at 12:17

    hugs hugs hugs hugs and more hugs.

    (and orange-containing tape.)

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  14. doahleigh9 September 2011 at 13:30

    Such an interesting analogy! I wish I knew where your tape was.

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  15. A Strange Boy11 September 2011 at 00:19

    Sending you good vibes and thoughts...

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  16. Mermanda11 September 2011 at 14:36

    I want to grab every roll of duct tape in Pittsburgh and hop on the next plane to Vancouver. That's my way of saying, I am here for you and will help you keep those pieces together any way that I can, my dear. I love you, lady. OX!

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