Life is overwhelming and boring at the same time. Things happen and I want to write but then I start to second guess myself. Is it my story to tell? Is it partly my story and partly her story? Where do I draw the line? How much is mine? So I write nothing and life continues, simultaneously overwhelming and boring. Words and ideas swirl in my head, Willie grows and my belly button continues to disappear, strangers troop through my home while I stand outside and silently will them to love it (and buy it, oh please, someone just buy it already.) Overwhelming and boring.
So I struggle.
I struggle with this space that I love so much. My blog has introduced me to so many awesome people and helped me in so many ways, but has also taken its toll recently. I feel stifled, like this space isn't really mine anymore. Which is silly because I am the one stifling myself. Fretting and doubting and wishing I could just say "fuck it" and write without anxiety.
I struggle with Shawn, who has decided that the city is no place to raise Willie and wants to move to the suburbs if we manage to sell our condo. The suburbs! The mountains, specifically. He dreams of a backyard for the pups and a garage where he can work on his motorcycle and room for us all - Willie included - to have our own space. He references crime rates and asks me to tell him - off the top of my head - where the nearest tree is to our condo and crows when it takes me a full minute to tentatively say that there's some sort of decorative tree two-ish blocks away? I think? He's not wrong. Four people were stabbed a block from our condo just last week and the only reason I remember that tree is because I walk by it every morning and every morning it makes me sneeze. But it's the suburbs. The no skytrain connecting me to downtown, no coffee shop / movie theatre / favourite burger restaurant / market / bank all within 3 blocks of our condo, no concrete highrises reaching into the sky suburbs. I don't think I'm ready for that yet. So we struggle.
Life trucks on and I play the waiting game. Wait to see if our condo sells. Wait to see if we can find a location and a home we can agree on. Wait to meet Willie before deciding on his name. Everything so overwhelming and so boring.