Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Colours Seem To Fade

I didn't like Wolfgang very much when we first brought him home. I mean, yeah, there was the initial "puppppyyy! fluffy puppy!" excitement but once I got over that, I just wasn't really a fan. He was so tiny and fragile and I was constantly anxious that I'd step on him or Stella would be too rough with him or he'd end up broken somehow. He was so vocal. Stella would give him a little nip or he'd fall off the bed and he'd cry like someone was removing his toenails one by one. He hated being apart from me. He'd wake up multiple times every night to pee or for a drink of water or just to attempt to finagle a cuddle and a treat out of me. So I didn't like him much. He was just this tiny, noisy thing that demanded all of my attention.

Which brings me to my current worry: that I won't be a fan of Willie once s/he is here. I know that babies are not puppies and I shouldn't compare the two but I also know myself. I didn't dislike Wolfgang because he was an annoying puppy. I disliked Wolfgang because I hate change and Wolfgang brought a lot of change to our lives. And I'm thinking it's a pretty safe bet that Willie is going to bring a lot of change to our lives (understatement of the year!) So I worry.

I remember Shawn asking me if I loved Wolfgang when he noticed that I was less than enthused about our newest family member. And I remember that all I could come up with was that he was very fluffy. I liked him because he was nice and fluffy. I'm scared that I'll feel the same way about Willie. That I won't be able to feel anything for him or her, beyond liking that s/he's very soft, or very tiny, or very whatever.

In happier news, next Wednesday is the big ultrasound where we'll (hopefully) find out if Willie has an innie or an outtie. And then I can start worrying about sex-specific issues instead of just general issues like how big of an asshole I am for comparing my unborn child to my dog.


  1. I felt the same way when we got our second dog. My husband also asked if I loved her and I said that I needed to wait until I felt a bond. She is having surgery today and I am a nervous wreck, so apparently we've bonded.

    I have also mentioned the same thing to my husband, and I do not at all think you're an asshole for the comparison. I think you're brave for saying it out loud.

  2. You're not an asshole at all!

    As far as I'm concerned, babies should be proud if they're being compared to awesome lovable family dogs. :P Because dogs are awesome. And they poop outside (sometimes) :D

    (I'm trying to make you feel better)

  3. I think I have known a few folks with similar concerns but they all ended up loving their babies - even though they kept them up all night and caused some of them to literally not sleep for more than an hour a night for 2 years ... there was love there. So, I think it will all work out.

  4. I'm not even pregnant, and I still compare my unborn, non-existant child to my cat. I worry I'll defy humanity and end up still loving the kitty more, because they keep quiet, sit on your lap, and don't bitch and whine when they're hungry, and my husband tells me you can't perch a baby on your lap and hope it stays there while you watch EastEnders. I wouldn't worry though - whenever I've talked to anyone about this I've been told that no matter HOW big of a life change it is, nothing can explain just how much you'll love that baby :)

  5. I admire your bravura in admitting that these things are going through your head, because I'm sure you're not the only person in the world who has had these doubts but most people aren't willing to be vulnerable enough to share.

  6. Ditto what Megan says.

    and you're not an asshole.

  7. I was never the mothering type. And my husband and i had been together so long (17 years) that when we finally got pregnant I was worried about the changes having a child would bring to our relationship. And I had massive doubts about my ability to love the stranger about to enter our lives. But let me tell you, there is NO greater unconditional love than that you will feel for your child once you are holding him/her in your arms. It it truly indescribable. I know it's all "blah blah blah" to you at this point...but trust me, you will feel it when your little one arrives. Before we had our son, anytime someone told us how amazing parenthood was we didn't really get it. But now...now, we get it. And so will you. Don't stress too much about it.

  8. I was super nervous that I would resent the kid for interrupting our lives. I think it's one of those unspoken things that happens to most women at some point in their pregnancy.
    You know what though, it just happens. I didn't have that immediate overwhelming, angels singing down from heaven moment in the hospital (I blame my exhaustion after a long hard labor and then c-section)--that came about 3 weeks later--but even in the hospital it was...instantly different and instantly ok.

  9. You're struggling with what EVERY PREGNANT WOMAN ON EARTH struggles with, whether they admit it )or even realize it) or not.

    Babies are a (HUGE) unknown, whether it's your first or second (or third, etc.)

    Love you for being so real, lady. Can't wait to hear about the ultrasound!

  10. I just had a child of my own. If you knew me, I was a total non baby lover. I just didn’t' get it. What’s so great about babies? They poop, they pee, they cry, they're needy, they're... You get the point. I didn't really want one and quite enjoyed my life of being able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and not have to worry about remembering to pick him up from day care after work.

    Then, when my son was born, that all went away. I don't know how or why, but none of those previous feelings were there anymore. They just vanished. Don't get me wrong, the first time my wife left us to go back to work, he did nothing but cry and fuss all day and I resorted to wearing ear plugs while I carried him around trying to comfort him, but I still felt wonderful about him and what we were becoming as a father and son/family. Our dog, whose name is coincidentally Willie, went from being our “baby” to being our “dog”. We don’t spoil him as much and we certainly don’t get to pay as much attention to him, but we love him just the same. While your role changes, your dog’s roles will change and everything will fall into place. Life happens and everything will turn out in the end.

    Oh, and if you were wondering, Shawn feels the same way in many respects, but he just won't admit it. We're guys and we don't admit stuff like that...

  11. I'm really, really concerned about this too. And I don't think you're an asshole for comparing your fetus to your dog - because I did the same thing! When we got Emma, it was so much change and so frustrating sometimes that I fully thought "how can I ever have a kid if I don't even like my dog?"

    I don't know what to tell you except that I'm banking on the whole "once you have the baby it is magic" or whatever. And that I fully plan on carefully monitoring my emotions once I have a baby to make sure PPD isn't a factor.

    Good luck, and don't feel guilty for having fears about the unknown!

  12. It wasn't instant love for me when I had my first baby. The emotions, coupled with life change and so much demand of me made me feel so overwhelmed. I did just enough to get through the day but the love didn't come until later.

    It's OK. Believe me when I say that there are times now when I hear my kid wake up gibbering and I think, "Oh my gosh I love that kid so much."

    I wasn't saying that a year and a half ago.

    Just trust that you will feel it eventually and allow yourself the time you need to get there. Is IS a big adjustment and honestly babies do a whole lot of taking and not a whole lot of giving. It will get better.

  13. I was so incredibly worried that I wouldn't love the baby as much as I loved my cat. I shouldn't have ever, EVER worried about that. Seriously.

  14. I had exactly the same fear - my first baby turned 2 weeks old yesterday.

    The entire pregnancy I couldn't really imagine having a baby. I don't consider myself the maternal type. I thought "I'm too impatient, what if I resent her for being too much work, what if she causes fights between Nathan & I, what if I'm just not happy when the baby comes?"

    Now that she's here, I don't feel this overwhelming sense of being in love like some people describe. But I love her, and it feels like she was meant to be here, not like a huge change but a piece that was missing. It's contentedness.

  15. i'm so worried about the same thing, should i get knocked up. i am SO SELFISH. how will i deal with having to completely sacrifice my ENTIRE SELF to the needs of some squally little lump?? uh. i mean. a bundle of joy. :P

  16. I have the same worry as you and Alice {above}. At age 30(something) i have been worried about making the next step. We have been married for 3 years now so do we do it..do we not. I lvoe my life the way it is! Am I being selfish...am I ready for a little one?? so many things to think of...

  17. I think kids and puppies are a lot alike. And kids are even harder, in that puppies can walk around and eat and drink by themselves and do cute things and show you their personalities very early on, whereas babies just eat and poop and sleep.

    In the beginning my baby just seemed like this enormous suck hole of need. Not that I didn't love him, and of course the PPD didn't help anything but I just felt like fuck, stop neeeeeeeding me all the time and let me get some sleep/go shopping/sprint out the door and never come back.

    And then I don't remember if we just got used to the lack of sleep or it improved, but something good happened, plus he started smiling at us like we were the most amazing things on the planet. And then he got more and more and MORE fun and now he's the most incredible thing in my world.

    He's still kind of like a puppy, in that I regularly remind him to SIT in the chair rather than trying to stand on it.

    All this to say, you could be resentful and feel like it sucks in the beginning, but that doesn't mean you won't love the shit out of your kid. I know, absolutely know, that you will.