Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Remind Me Of Home When You're Around Me The Next Time You Leave Don't Go Without Me

It's been two months since Shawn and I went to Vegas. Two months since we rode a motorcycle into the desert and splurged on 4am room service and drank frozen beverages out of plastic boots. I wore too-short skirts and too-high heels and we giggled over my complete lack of coordination while navigating the casino floors. We napped and ate two pounds of onion rings in one sitting and used the jacuzzi in our room every day. We spent a week together. Seven consecutive days of waking up together and spending the day having adventures and going to bed at the same time.

Now, I realize part of our holiday's charm was its brevity. Shawn and I are not togetherforever24/7 kind of people. (I'm not knocking people who are, we just aren't.) And I'm okay with that. I value the time I spend with Shawn but I also value the time I spend with my friends and family and the time I spend alone. Shawn and I could not survive extended periods of time together without seriously annoying each other. It's just ... the time we spent together in Vegas highlighted how little time we spend together in our day to day lives.

Life is busy and we both have full-time jobs and he's in a band and ... there's always an and. We blow through the week hardly seeing each other and then all of a sudden it's Sunday - the one day we both have off work - and we're stuck doing chores and arguing over whose turn it is to do the grocery shopping (it is so his turn.)

I miss him. Which is stupid and silly and I feel like an idiot for even thinking it, but it's true. We're a bit lost right now. There's no drama. This isn't an end of days situation. We're just struggling to find the right balance for us. When it comes to spending time together, quantity isn't an option for us; we have to focus on quality.

How do you do it? How do you find the time to connect with your partner? How do you block the daily nuisances and boring chores from affecting your time together?


  1. Ugh, it's hard. It's hard to make time together. One of the things N.C. and I do is we do a lot of that stupid crap together (like the grocery store). I know, I know, it's not romantic at all, but sometimes it's all the time we get.

    (seriously, one time we had a babysitter and went to the grocery store at 11pm. It was quiet and we got the entire list done, and were able to laugh and joke through the aisles at the teenagers trying to buy beer).

    Beyond that, I *firmly* believe that at this stage, we have to schedule this stuff--make a point. It used to be spontanious, but that ship has sailed (mostly), so we make it a priority by making it something we schedule.

  2. Oh, but I DON'T KNOW.

    I am pregnant with our third child, and these kids - though cute - suck every bit of time out of our lives.

    Half of the nights we do have together, after the kids go to bed, I am at work - working nights is my solution to the whole working/parenting balance, though it really takes a toll on the marriage/time balance.

    To make it more complicated we are in the process of immigrating back to my husband's home country (Canada!) which means when he does get to take time off work, it is usually so I can go get interviewed, or x-rayed, or sit in a waiting room outside the embassy to process our paperwork.

    I love my life, I do - but I sometimes miss my husband, and he LIVES with me. My only solution has been to occasionally schedule nights off/out months in advance for no reason. By the time the day gets here it is well-needed, but not long over due. I also take off more time from work then I probably should - and order dinner in. It feels like a night out, but it is so much easier.

    I can vaguely remember the days we spent the whole day in bed.... they are so far away sometimes I wonder if they even happened....

  3. I have no answers, but I am kind of obsessed with the sentiment behind this post.

  4. Very often Kyle works days, while I end up working nights. We'll go a week without seeing each other more than an hour or two a day. But when we do have days off together, we try to make the most of it. We try to keep our chores under control by each pitching in independently, on our own, so that when we're both off we can just enjoy it. We go for walks, we go hiking, we take day trips. Our time together is precious, and we try to make the most of it.

    But I miss him, too.

  5. I'm not trying to be too forward but if you only see each other on Sunday's, shouldnt you guys be having Sex all day long?

  6. I think it's challenging. One thing that might work is actually carving out time for a date once per week. In the end it's a matter of setting time priorities. There are only so many hours in a day or a week. So, you need to both decide what you each most want to do with them and then hope that you both put one another high enough on the list. :-) I also find that we do some chores independently during the week or on Saturday or whatever and then Sunday is mostly focused on shopping together, eating and doing other random stuff that still hasn't gotten done.

  7. This is a challenge - but then again I think because we started our relationship barely seeing each other (CFL coach widow), even when D started teaching (and coaching the high school team), which meant he wasn't home until 8:00 at night, it was an IMPROVEMENT on him working 'til 10PM every night and out of town every other weekend. I guess when you frame it with "it could be worse", an hour or so in the evenings just becomes so much more valuable. I still hate Sundays though, for the same reason - it's all chores and grocery shopping and blah!!

  8. Oh, it's a hard one, that's for sure. We try to hang out for at least a half an hour at the end of the day to just talk or watch TV or sit in the hot tub (and talk), but it doesn't always happen.

    Can you schedule a regular date night, even if it's Sundays? Buy an Entertainment Book and go for dinners and such to get away from chores and just focus on each other?

  9. We have a date every Wednesday at home - we alternate cooking for each other every Wednesday, and then we sit and eat together, drink wine, and talk. Sadly, Wednesdays are often the only day all week when we actually eat together, so we both look forward to it, and we make the meals surprises so it's a little more fun. And by making it a weekly thing and putting it in the calendar it's harder to blow off.

  10. despite the non-romanticalness of it, i agree - scheduling "dates," even if it's just dinner together at home, seems to be the best way...

  11. It's not easy. It tooks us a long time to get where we are right now. Years of only seeing each other sporadically. I wish I had some advice but honestly, I don't know how we got better at togetherness. We just did.

  12. Ginger: Thanks for your input. I imagine that being married to an artist is similar to being married to a musician - they're never "off." If inspiration strikes at an inopportune time (like when we're spending time together) it's impossible for him to put it on the back burner. It's frustrating and totally understandable all at the same time :)

    Kate:Where in Canada?!?

    Ben: Dude, you are supposed to have ALL the answers. Your guru status is slipping :)

    Stephanie: We need to work more on the pitching in independently. And the not resenting the other person when you feel like you've done more of the pitching in independently!

    GW Mush: Sunday isn't the only time we see each other, it's just the only day that we both have off work.

    J: We tried having a set date night but our schedules aren't concrete so it sort of petered out.

    Emily-Jane: Oh it definitely could be worse! Shawn used to travel a lot for work. He barely travels at all now so I'm definitely grateful for that.

    Angella: I'm sorry, I missed everything after "hot tub." Jealous!

    Amy: I like the idea of a mid-week date night. It sort of takes the pressure off of the weekend when everything is much busier.

    Alice: Oh I'm so passed expecting romanticalness. I'd settle for being awake in the same room for more than an hour.

    Rescuedinsanity: I'm hoping that we'll get better too, I'm just worried that without a certain degree of effort, we won't be able to just get there. Thanks for sharing!

  13. Aw, this is beautiful- I love the feeling behind this post. This is something that every couple struggles with, I think and it ebbs and flows for everyone. Sometimes when I feel Jess and I have it down, the balance just flies right back off the handle.

    I think the biggest help for us has been always trying new things- we used to cuddle and chat as soon as he got home from work, now we take the dogs for a big walk after dinner. When things stop and start working we just keep inventing new things to make sure we have some time to connect in a real way every day. Such a challenge though! <3

  14. You know, we went to Minneapolis for a wedding a few weekends ago and it was this huge reminder to us that we like hanging out with each other. We have such little time just the two of us, and the time we have is usually very tired, about to fall asleep time or busy weekend getting a lot of stuff done time. I don't know how to find the US time, but I do know it's really important.

    Unhelpful. But I completely empathize.

  15. I guess there's no real magic answer. It's hard. Life gets in the way of things sometimes and it'll get to a point where you just have to say, enough. Then make a plan together...if Sunday is the only day you get...then turn the phones off, stay off the computer and dedicate the whole day together. Whether it's staying in or planning a day trip, picnics...whatever.

  16. Schedule a date night! Who cares what you do, really, as long as you're doing it together?
    I really enjoy people-watching, and I like it even more when I have someone to make up stories with :)

  17. Right now since Josh lives in Iowa and I live in Ohio, I have come home once, and we met in Illinois last weekend. It would be too easy for us to be distracted wiht other things when I'm home since that's where my whole family is also, so sometimes we just lock the doors and turn the phones off and make it all about us. Selfishness is important. When we lived together for two years and he was working two jobs and I was working two jobs and taking18 college credits, we scheduled time. We went on dates or car trips or just stayed in bed until 3 in the afternoon. We rode our bikes and went on walks or out to dinner. It had to be scheduled, though, and sometimes that's just how it is. don't overthink that make make yourself feel bad. It is what it is, and what it is is the effort and energy that goes into things. And that effort and energy is love. Cheesy but true!

  18. Yea, its a hectic world we live in but when a guy has a woman like you, he should take full advantage of that. I'm cherring for you and hope that this works itself out.

  19. I am going to give some very simple advice: Do what feels right. If your partner understand what feels right (and vice versa, o' course), it'll be a dandy trip. Truly. OT needs her alone-time like no other. Hubs? Not so much. But he gets it. He understands. And I love him muchly for it.