Friday, 17 September 2010

Now Then Mardy Bum I See Your Frown

For the most part, I'm fairly comfortable with the way I look. I appreciate my height. My eyes are pretty. Genetics gave me good skin (thanks, Mom!) I can look at a picture of myself (when I'm polished and sparkly and fancy) and think that I look alright. But there will always be the bits that cause me angst: my extra-long torso paired with my stubby legs, my monster calves that prevent me from wearing most boots, and my ass. My robust, prominent, jiggly ass.

I am not my ass. I know this. I know that I am smart and funny and can make a mean blueberry pancake. I am kind and generous and if my friends or family ever need a mustache-on-a-stick or a shoulder to cry on, they know that I will do my best to provide both. My ass does not prevent me from being a good friend. It doesn't make me less smart. No one cares about my ass. But I do.

So when I'm walking across the street (with the walk signal, it should be noted) and a douchebag in a convertible Porsche yells at me to hurryup!fatass!, I will blush a furious shade of red and surreptitiously glance around me to confirm that yes, I am the only one in the crosswalk. Then I'll put on my sunglasses - even though it's cloudy - to hide my angry tears and hate myself for caring what some random idiot thinks about my body.

It's silly to let myself be so affected by a stranger's hateful words. I know this just like I know that I am more than my ass. But knowing that doesn't change the fact that I was affected by his words. Was affected because after I hit publish, I refuse to waste any more time or emotional energy on him. Other than to wish that the sky opens up and fills his car with rain.


  1. People like that should just...disappear. I don't understand people who are so hateful. He's obviously a selfish asshole with a small penis.

  2. I will wish rain, or maybe a karma induced plague of locusts, that would get all stuck in his mouth and wriggly in his teeth. Is that going too far?

  3. I hear you...I was 'blesses' with a mega curvy backside that just won't seem to shrink or tone no matter how many squats I do. Thank god for dark denim jeans, that's all I can say.

  4. Gah, all I can say is that I've been there lady. Hang in there.

  5. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

    I have seen your ass and it is FINE. Not "fine" as in, "it will do" but "fine" as is AWESOME.

    You know, in a totally platonic way.

    Wishing that a flaming bag of poo arrives on his doorstep. Or in his face.

  6. Wait, this is not a hypothetical situation used for bloggy illustrative purposes?


    You are officially one of the most lovely people I have ever met and donned fake trashy tattoos with, both inside and out.


  7. Ugh.

    I'm going with "He's a dipshit with a very small penis", also. They say that women can be so cruel to one another, but I've unfortunately witnessed so much of this type of behaviour that I can honestly say we aren't the only ones capable of spewing unwarranted venom.

    So unwarranted. So totally unnecessary.

  8. I, too, have been blessed with a, shall we say, badonk. I've been called an albino black chick before. For most of my youth, I despised my ass, and I was teased pretty badly for it in high school. But now, I've grown to if not love it, at least accept it. (Living in Atlanta for a while helped a lot!)

  9. UGH! What a douchebag!

    And from the one time I met you I can tell you your ass is bodacious, like way hot to trot!

    True story.

  10. Oh my word, you are all just the sweetest. I promise I sent write this post just so you would all tell me how non-fat my ass is (though it certainly is nice to hear!) Group hug!

  11. *didn't* write
    I'm commenting on my iPhone and I guess my fingers are too fat and autocorrect is too inaccurate. Curses!

  12. No one cares about my ass. But I do.

    What??? I care about you ass.

    You are one beautiful woman... ass included.

  13. Oh honey, you know I think you are hot and frequently make myself look like a creeper when commenting on your hotness. I think that douche is overcompensating for a lack of something in the male dept with his car for 1 and obvs had been recently dumped and needed to take it out on some unsuspecting hot girl for 2 to make himself feel better.

    You're married to a dude in a BAND! Obvs cooler than said asshole in a "sorry about your penis" car, so his opinion is less than important, it's a joke.

  14. Okay so.. I am a fan of asses. I think women need bottoms, damnnit, and my husband agrees. But I totally feel your pain when some punk jackass yells something just to be "witty" and you take it way more personal than you should.

    I've never been called fat. I certainly could deserve the title at the moment (oh, hello, 50 extra lbs, whoops!) -- but not too long ago, it was like 106 degrees out AT NIGHT and we were walking our dogs. I had on shorts (not short ones) and a tank top and some 16 yr old punk driving by yelled, "DAMN gurl, that's NASTY!"

    Cue over-reactive crushed persona for like.. a week. So ::hugs:: you fiercely gorgeous woman, you!

  15. FACT: Guys who drive flashy cars are compensating for a lack of personality, maturity, and (let's face it) sexual ability. That jerkface has probably developed the nasty habit of insulting women who reject (or would likely reject) him. I have met lots of guys like that. Trust me, HE is the one with the problem. I'm sure your ass is fantastic.

  16. I'm with Jane - guys that yell idiotic things out of flashy cars ARE compensating for their lack of all of the above, plus the fact that they probably don't have two brain cells to knock together. I'm with you though - I have to wear two sizes bigger on the bottom than on top because my ass is GIANT (someone once told me I "must" have some black in me somewhere), and any comments or attention toward it make me want to cry too :( Big hugs - know that you are BEAUTIFUL, inside and out.

  17. PS. Further proof of your awesomeness is in your Arctic Monkeys reference :)

  18. That guy is the ASS. Not your ass. He = ass. Yes?

  19. This guy sounds like a dick. And don't worry about your ass. Many men like.... Well, how can I put it?

    I like big butts and I can not lie
    You other brothers can't deny
    That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
    And a round thing in your face
    You get sprung

  20. Urrrrrrrrrgh.
    Fuck that fucking small-dicked cocksack in his fucking ass face.

  21. What a jackass. Do you recall asking for his opinion? I hate people who don't grasp the strength their words hold and throw around words like fat and bitch as if every woman holds these 2 traits.

    I struggled with my weight, I'm content now as a size 8, but anything related to criticism of my size still cuts pretty deep.

    I passed some trashy guy at the mall once who announced as I walked by "She's thick, but I'd hit it."

    Was that supposed to be a backwards compliment? You are such a noble guy for being willing to "hit" a "thick chick." And wtf makes you think I'd let you near me? But over 4 years later when I'm having a "fat day" his words still haunt me.

    Good for you for letting it go. You are gorgeous, he is a prick who like the ladies said above, is compensating.From a girl who has been battling acne since she was 14, don't ever take that perfect skin for granted :0)

  22. WOW. I hate people. Glad you're able to get past this; he's not worth a thought. You are unbelievably beautiful!

  23. i suggest having a list of ready-made insults available to yell back at people like this. for example:

    douche: "hurry up, fatass!"
    you: "what's your rush? with a face like that, you sure as hell aren't late for a date.."

    ...and then run away before he can retaliate :)

  24. Unreal. I once had this little brat yell "fatass" at me out of a car in an Old Navy parking lot, which had me in tears. I can only hope his mom bought him the ugliest cheap fleece she could find that day. And maybe I hope he got run over by a school bus too. Maybe.

  25. There's that quote by Plato - "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" - assholes who go against this are the worst. And I'm not saying your ass is a battle - I bet it is sexier than you give it credit for - but the premise of the quote rings true. I just don't understand people who are rude to strangers. Like, why? Who is he to say ANYTHING about you? Ew. Blood is boiling over this one.
    In closing: People are disgusting, buddy is probably pissed that he bought a Porsche and still can't get a girl and you, you are lovely.

  26. I'm guessing he has a fat head and a microscopic penis. Had I been there walking with you I hope you don't mind but I would have yelled that out at him.

    Effin' douchebag.

  27. I just had to come back and see what everyone else wrote. Awesome.

    I wish I had been there, so I could walk right up to him and spit in his face. Or maybe kick his car. I'll bet THAT would have pissed him off more than the spit.

  28. I just now saw this post --- What the hell! I can't believe that guy was such a freakin jerkface! I'm so sorry. Ugh. And yes, like all the girls have said before me, I'm sure your bootie is super cute! That guy was probably jealous that he has a flat pancake butt! Work those curves, lady! Be proud of the bootie! And ignore those losers in their loser cars! I love that that douchbag was totally living up to the stereotype of a douch driving a convertible Porsche. I'm sorry that happened to you. I love that you wished his car would fill up with rain. ;)

  29. I'm sorry that happened to you.

    People seem to go straight for the "fat______" comment when trying to berate or demean someone. Even to people who don't have any fat on them! That guy is a jackass who probably has very little self-esteem (rightly so).

  30. I'm going to go ahead and agree with the small penis comments. I wish you'd said something like, "Better to be fatassed than an asshole, you wretched little dickface." Of course, I'd never have been able to come up with that on the spot. He must be wretched, though - otherwise why try making some random lovely stranger feel bad?

  31. It is possible, you know, that the use of the word "fatass" was coincidental. I'm not saying the guy isn't a douche, which I feel fairly certain he is given his base choice of words. However, the offensive choice of words may just have been the best that the inarticulate douche could muster.

    He could have said, "let's keep it moving, slowpoke" or "what are you waiting for?" However, he likely selected "fatass" as the female equivalent of "dickhead." As such I would not necessarily read a more purposeful intent to wound, as I doubt that someone who is so crass would have formulated a precise commentary in the short window you were crossing the street.

    Just as he probably endures small penis mockery, which in reality probably isn't true, you don't have to give much credence to his comment about the size of your derriere, which likely isn't that disproportionate either.

    Lemongloria's hubby

  32. What a fucking douche! I probably would have stopped dead in my tracks and told him to fuck off, then gone off and cried. Loser. I hope it does a lot more than rain into his car.

    But, on a happier note - I recently read an article that women that have "ass" fat as opposed to "stomach" or "thigh" fat are far healthier in the long run. Unfortunately, I have all three.