Terror

I once stayed solo in a "bed and breakfast" (I use that term oh so loosely here) in Cambridge that was so rundown, with a proprietor who was so creepy and a room lock that was so flimsy, that I concocted an alarm system of assorted empty bottles placed strategically in front of the door and slept fully clothed - shoes and all.

I once was drugged in a packed nightclub. My brain was alert but my body wouldn't function and my last clear thought was that something had been slipped into my drink and I was about to pass out. I woke up on Granville Street with a police officer pounding on my chest and my best friend supporting my head so that my face wasn't touching the concrete.

I once was on a flight that arched over the Italian Alps and circled around over the Mediterranean Sea before landing on the artificial peninsula that is the Genoa airport. That would have been enough to tweak my anxiety but I was treated to the addition of the worst turbulence I have ever experienced and an airplane full of elderly Italian women who clearly felt the same way I did and had no qualms about voicing their fear. Loudly.

I once walked home from a party alone, barefoot, crossing through the Downtown Eastside because it was Christmas party season and there were no cabs to be found. I may have also been inebriated (hence the removal of my high heels.)

I once lived on my own, in a sketchy area of town, in an apartment next to a man who kept his windows covered with foil.

I keep running through this list, like, I survived creepy aluminum foil neighbour man! I can survive a suspicious neck lump! I don't even have a scary diagnosis. I have a suspicious lump and some not-so-great blood test results. Suspicious lumps and not-so-great blood test results can be nothing. They can totally be nothing. I survived all of those scary (and arguably stupid) situations. I survived them even before I invested a whole lot of time and energy into therapy. A suspicious lump and not-so-great blood test results are not going to throw me for a loop.

(Except that they totally fucking are throwing me for a loop. I had another biopsy on Monday. Now all my tests and re-tests are complete and I just have to wait until I get the results on April 2nd. Bear with me - I know I'm a fretty mess. I'm trying not to be.)