Thursday, 21 March 2013


I once stayed solo in a "bed and breakfast" (I use that term oh so loosely here) in Cambridge that was so rundown, with a proprietor who was so creepy and a room lock that was so flimsy, that I concocted an alarm system of assorted empty bottles placed strategically in front of the door and slept fully clothed - shoes and all.

I once was drugged in a packed nightclub. My brain was alert but my body wouldn't function and my last clear thought was that something had been slipped into my drink and I was about to pass out. I woke up on Granville Street with a police officer pounding on my chest and my best friend supporting my head so that my face wasn't touching the concrete.

I once was on a flight that arched over the Italian Alps and circled around over the Mediterranean Sea before landing on the artificial peninsula that is the Genoa airport. That would have been enough to tweak my anxiety but I was treated to the addition of the worst turbulence I have ever experienced and an airplane full of elderly Italian women who clearly felt the same way I did and had no qualms about voicing their fear. Loudly.

I once walked home from a party alone, barefoot, crossing through the Downtown Eastside because it was Christmas party season and there were no cabs to be found. I may have also been inebriated (hence the removal of my high heels.)

I once lived on my own, in a sketchy area of town, in an apartment next to a man who kept his windows covered with foil.

I keep running through this list, like, I survived creepy aluminum foil neighbour man! I can survive a suspicious neck lump! I don't even have a scary diagnosis. I have a suspicious lump and some not-so-great blood test results. Suspicious lumps and not-so-great blood test results can be nothing. They can totally be nothing. I survived all of those scary (and arguably stupid) situations. I survived them even before I invested a whole lot of time and energy into therapy. A suspicious lump and not-so-great blood test results are not going to throw me for a loop.

(Except that they totally fucking are throwing me for a loop. I had another biopsy on Monday. Now all my tests and re-tests are complete and I just have to wait until I get the results on April 2nd. Bear with me - I know I'm a fretty mess. I'm trying not to be.)


  1. I think you're feeling how anyone would given the uncertainty. I hope you get the results you're looking for.

  2. I hope that April 2nd comes quickly for you and that your lump and not-so-great blood results come back to be nothing.

  3. Hang in there, friend. You've been in my thoughts and prayers often. xo

  4. Oh sweet friend, I get your fretting. Back then you had your own level of fear given the situation but now can look back on it and not feel it as acutely. Health stuff is a different animal, you know? You're a mom and a wife and a person who wants to live and be healthy and not have to feel stressed out about the what ifs. The what ifs are always there but this kind of scare really shakes them to the surface. Just keep talking about it, taking deep breaths, and telling yourself that no matter what the outcome of those tests, you're going to be ok. You're strong and a fighter and much loved. I certainly hope they will find an answer for you so you can move forward instead of this waiting limbo. xoxo

  5. The waiting is so, so awful. Here's hoping for good news on April 2nd.

  6. Girrrrrl, you so crazy! Those are some insane stories; it's amazing you came out unscathed! I'll be thinking of you and sending good juju into the Universe for you over the next 10 days.

  7. I know how you feel. I'm currently sitting with some uncertain (scary) health news and just all the anxiety and fear and the feelings.

    I am sending you all the good thoughts and I hope the waiting goes by quickly for you! Here's to good news! (just picture me raising a glass of something good tasting, preferably alcoholic in nature. *hugs*)

  8. I think you're one strong mama - but I will be sending you as many positive vibes, thoughts, that I can. I will also be getting that CARE package to you this week. I have accumulated a bunch of weirdness to share with you. I hope the stuff can take your mind off the waiting-game for at least 5 minutes.

    Lots of x's and o's for you.

  9. you have made it through a whole lot of crazy/ridiculous ish lady & you'll make it through whatever this next bit is too. and we're all there with you, don't ever forget it!