I don't know what I'm doing.
I used to. I used to be confident in my relationship with Shawn. I was comfortable and secure with my close circle of friends. I was happy with my blog and my little blogging community. I used to know where I stood at work. I knew my place in the grand scheme of things.
And now I'm just flailing.
I flail from one half-assed thing to another, never actually completing anything or doing anything well. I neglect things and people and then am surprised when they disappear. I change my mind - wildly - and refuse to commit to a path and then lament my lack of clarity. It's insanity.
This isn't a pathetic call for love or support. It's just ... what it is. An acknowledgement of my own failings? Or something? A hesitant promise to change. That's what I'll call it.
Today I (tentatively) pledge to do better.
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This is a really interestingly worded post, Hillary. From my own experiences, motherhood changed my perspective on just about everything. I race through work, super excited to see my little boy at the end of the day. I choose family-oriented activities with friends or skip seeing friends altogether in order to be with my boys. I have become fiercely protective of not just my son, but of the time I spend with my family. I have definitely grown distant to a number of friends, not because of any reason other than my priorities and focus has changed. I wouldn't consider that failure at all. And I certainly am not looking to make any changes. Rather than considering my new life a failure, I prefer to consider myself having transitioned from one kind of life to another.
ReplyDeleteYour a new mom, working full-time with a long commute living in a big, busy city. It's OK to flail. Be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteAlso? Maybe book a little vacation for you and your little family. I bet some time away to clear your head and relax would help. Maybe?
Thinking of you! XO
It's a lot of big change, lady. It's hard to ride the wave and to face the reality that you're different because your life is different. Hopefully it will all shift into a new balance. Don't beat yourself up.
ReplyDeleteYou expressly said you aren't looking for love or support... But I have felt similarly and it SUCKS and I'm so sorry you are going through this. You WILL come out the other side, I'm sure of that. In the meantime, hang in there.
ReplyDeletePractically every childcare manual has a big chunk on how hard transitions can be for children. They're hard for grown-ups too.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up about this! You've got A LOT going on and it takes time for things to settle down. The new little dude in your life creates a huge shift and change in both your life and Shawn's. Just have faith that things will stop "flailing." Things will continue to change, but it's all a-ok. Don't be so hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up about this! You've got A LOT going on and it takes time for things to settle down. The new little dude in your life creates a huge shift and change in both your life and Shawn's. Just have faith that things will stop "flailing." Things will continue to change, but it's all a-ok. Don't be so hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteNo one really talks much about the struggles of balancing life once you are a parent. #1 priority shifts from being yourself (who needs sleep or a shower?!), #2 spot changes from your partner (time for sex, ha!)..etc etc. I always wondered about those people who had babies to SAVE their relationship. What the hell were they thinking? You will survive the first year. You will. It hard for most of us and you are not alone. Keep on growing.
ReplyDeleteLife ebbs and flows and things change especially when you have a little one. Things will fall into place in a new normal.
ReplyDeleteYou're now juggling a lot lot lot of roles. It's impossible NOT to feel like you're flailing and possibly failing in some or all of them some or all of the time. One of the good things for me, though, was that it lined up my priorities. I just have so much less time. I don't see friends as much as I would like to, but the ones I still have are my really solid friends. And I don't tolerate the work bullshit - it just doesn't matter in the scheme of life.
ReplyDeleteMy two (American) cents, hunny bunny.
Stupid question but have you tried seeing someone about it? Good luck. xx
ReplyDeletePriorities change. They do because THEY HAVE TO, that doesn't make the old ones wrong and it doesn't make the new ones better...they take over because they have to, a little one depends on you for everything and it is what it is...as they grow and depend on you for less and less, priorities will change again.
ReplyDeleteAccepting that makes it a lot easier to deal with, not totally easy mind you, just easier.
*HUG*
It took me a long time after having a kid to feel like life WASN'T one big, constant adjustment in every single area. I'm sorry you're struggling, and I hope you find some space to breathe soon. Be kind to yourself -- you're really not alone in this.
ReplyDeleteyou are a super rock star mom and that's all i have to say about that.
ReplyDeleteThis year has been HUGE. SO many changes.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Hillary. So much.
I swear your blog is like reading my own thoughts! I too work in a job I don't like but no one else is going to compensate me like they do. I have too many goals that none of them get proper attention, lol. Eh, maybe I'll talke that pledge with you....maybe :P
ReplyDelete