When You Find Your Way Back Down In One Piece

So I wrote my last post about flailing and being miserable and then a few days later my dog died and I got a 20% salary decrease at work. Fun times.

It's actually helped me put things into perspective, though.

I don't really talk about work much (besides my ranting on Twitter) but I've been with my current employer for 6.5 years. I've been unhappy for quite some time but I'm paid extremely well to put up with a lot of bullshit. The salary thing is complicated (they didn't just arbitrarily cut my pay) but it's helped me see things more clearly. I'm looking for a new job and I'm excited to take my time and really find a good fit instead of relying solely on a large pay cheque to make up for stress / anxiety / bullying etc.

As for old Toby, he was a good pup who lived a long life. We brought him home when I was an angsty teenager and he lived to meet (and love) my two monsterpups and my boy. His health has been declining for the last year and the decline started progressing much more rapidly a few weeks ago. It wasn't a surprise is what I'm saying. It's silly but his passing is affecting me more than my Gram's passing back in October. Not in the degree of sadness - I'm not more sad about Toby than I am about Gram - but in the sense that it's making me acknowledge that life is short and I can't just float along aimlessly. Most likely it's because my grandma was old when I was born so she's always been old to me. I remember when we brought Toby home and he was just a cuddly little pup who fit on my lap. I won't get all circle of life here but witnessing his life and watching him grow into the crotchety old dog he was at the end has truly been beneficial to me.

So no money, dead dog - things aren't peachy but I'm trying to get there.

Sometimes I Need A Little Sunshine And Sometimes I Need You

I don't know what I'm doing.

I used to. I used to be confident in my relationship with Shawn. I was comfortable and secure with my close circle of friends. I was happy with my blog and my little blogging community. I used to know where I stood at work. I knew my place in the grand scheme of things.

And now I'm just flailing.

I flail from one half-assed thing to another, never actually completing anything or doing anything well. I neglect things and people and then am surprised when they disappear. I change my mind - wildly - and refuse to commit to a path and then lament my lack of clarity. It's insanity.

This isn't a pathetic call for love or support. It's just ... what it is. An acknowledgement of my own failings? Or something? A hesitant promise to change. That's what I'll call it.

Today I (tentatively) pledge to do better.