Wednesday, 18 January 2012

I Thought I Told You That I Needed You Just To Keep Breathing

It's a funny place to be, this space between barely functioning crazy and still crazy but not Crazy crazy. I catch myself holding my breath sometimes, like even I can't predict my reactions. I worry about Shawn and Grady. I worry that Shawn is tiptoeing around me. I'm terrified that Grady will grow up afraid of my crazy.

Things are getting better. The sadness and anxiety that held me hostage through the summer and autumn are retreating. I barely remember the days spent hiding in my bedroom because the world was too scary and unpredictable. I spend more time smiling now than crying.

But here I am, holding my breath.

We're starting Grady on solid food next week. I'm heading back to work in a few weeks and Shawn is leaving his job to be home with Grady. I'm dieting and exercising to try to get my pre-pregnancy body back and I'm scared that doing so will affect my milk supply. Last month a meth lab was busted in our building (on our floor!) What would have been my Gram's 96th birthday just passed. My brother hurt his back so badly that he can barely walk. I can't breathe through these things. I try to ignore them because thinking about them twists me up and pushes me back towards barely functioning crazy.

So I don't think about them. Instead, I hold my breath.


  1. I cried almost every day for the first six weeks after Gavin was born. Most of those tears were uncontrollable and inexplicable (and sometimes pretty darn explosive). You better believe Sweets tiptoed around me, as he should. He knew (and so did I) that my emotions were just a stage of new motherhood and we'd eventually move beyond that stage. There's no reason for him to have tipped the scales unnecessarily during that time. And now? Almost 15 months later? Sweets pushes me around like it's no one's business. =) My point? Let Shawn be gentle to you during this time. That's what spouses are supposed to do - support their loved ones during tough times. As you continue to feel more like "you," things between you and him will return to a balance the two of you previously had.

  2. I agree - I think it's fine if Shawn is tiptoeing around you right now. And while I understand you fretting if dieting and exercise affect your milk supply...well, if they do they do, and you can figure out how to go from there. You can decide to eat more, exercise less, and get your supply back up. Or you can assess whether you're in a better place that way, and supplementing is a fine way to go. All these things are stressful, but it will be OK. Hugs to you, hunny bunny.

  3. Big, huge, hugs, Hills. I love you, you know?

    As do Shawn and Grady and your family and so many others.

    I'm so proud of you for reaching out for help, and for moving up.


  4. if you find you need to let that breath out, we're here :)

  5. oh just so many hugs for you lovely. that's so much to handle i can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling. but like alice said, if you need to breathe out we're all here for you, always, always, always.

  6. Sending you Internet hugs and hoping that the breath holding gets you through... and that you can breathe again very, very soon.

    (Everything I hear about the horror of infancy has a happy ending; the time passes! A routine appears! Life gets better! Things become FUN! Not that I have any experience with this stuff. But I trust that it WILL get better. MUCH better. Hang in there.)

  7. Breath, darlin', breath! It'll be okay. Maybe not tomorrow, and maybe not next week, but eventually.