Try To Freeze Frame The Day Then The Light Starts To Fade

Grady is six months old. Today was Shawn's last day of work. Tomorrow I am officially back to work and Shawn becomes a stay at home dad.

I'm lucky. For the next three months I will be working three days from home and only two in the office.

We're lucky. We live in Canada. We're entitled to a year of parental leave benefits.

I know that we have it pretty good. I'm not complaining. I'm just ... hyperventilating a little bit.

I'm not ready to go back to work. I don't talk about my job here because I know it's bad form. It's an unusual office. An unusual, high-stress workplace. I did a lot of crying in the bathroom is what I'm saying. I'm worried that my lack of sleep and my rollercoaster emotions are going to result in me going down in a blaze of glory. I'm not sure that I'm strong enough to be the primary earner. I know I can do my job. I'm looking foward to using my brain. I'm just not sure that I possess the power to bite my tongue. My tolerance for bullshit has decreased significantly since going batshit crazy.

Wish us luck? Shawn and I are both apprehensive as we move into this adjustment period. Lucky for us we have the perfect little distraction to keep us smiling.

I Thought I Told You That I Needed You Just To Keep Breathing

It's a funny place to be, this space between barely functioning crazy and still crazy but not Crazy crazy. I catch myself holding my breath sometimes, like even I can't predict my reactions. I worry about Shawn and Grady. I worry that Shawn is tiptoeing around me. I'm terrified that Grady will grow up afraid of my crazy.

Things are getting better. The sadness and anxiety that held me hostage through the summer and autumn are retreating. I barely remember the days spent hiding in my bedroom because the world was too scary and unpredictable. I spend more time smiling now than crying.

But here I am, holding my breath.

We're starting Grady on solid food next week. I'm heading back to work in a few weeks and Shawn is leaving his job to be home with Grady. I'm dieting and exercising to try to get my pre-pregnancy body back and I'm scared that doing so will affect my milk supply. Last month a meth lab was busted in our building (on our floor!) What would have been my Gram's 96th birthday just passed. My brother hurt his back so badly that he can barely walk. I can't breathe through these things. I try to ignore them because thinking about them twists me up and pushes me back towards barely functioning crazy.

So I don't think about them. Instead, I hold my breath.

Hop On The Bus Gus

He wakes up cheerful and smiley every morning. He spends a lot of time cheerful and smiley, until he is pissed off. Then he is the ragiest, pissed of baby I have ever met.

He weighs 19lbs and he is not yet six months old. He has the most delicious thigh rolls and butt dimples. He has my eyes and his daddy's ears.

He giggles when he farts. He says mamamamama and bababababa and loves to hear himself shriek. He loves to hear laughter. He's my little ham.

He spends about 30% of his waking hours with Sophie clamped between his gums. He has two little teeth and occasionally he bites himself while sucking his thumb. He cries big, sad tears when this happens because it confuses him.

He won't drink from a bottle and he still won't take a soother but that's okay. He's still the smartest baby I know. He's my little Gus Gus. And I love him.