Grady turned one month old on Friday. It seems like just yesterday he was born but at the same time I feel like he's always been here. The hours are long but the days are flying by.
The physical recovery was something I was prepared for and it turned out to be much easier than I expected. What I wasn't expecting was how long it would take me to recover emotionally. Not just from the hormones or the intense feelings of becoming a mom and being responsible for this tiny, helpless baby, but also from a birth experience that left me feeling helpless.
I think the hardest part is not feeling like me anymore. I will never be the same person as I was before Grady was born. And that's not a bad thing. It's just been difficult to figure out how to be good for him when I don't even know who I am.
I wake up to this face every day, though, so life is definitely good.
It gets better.
ReplyDeleteIt does.
With my first it took about 6 months before I felt sort of like myself again. Albeit an altered version of me. With each baby it's gotten quicker and quicker.
As with all things, time is on your side in this one. Feel better. :)
Your world just shifted on its axis -- it's normal to feel this way. You are no longer just you, or just you and Shawn, you are Mom.
ReplyDeleteYou'll adjust. And be an even brighter Hillary than before. I promise. :)
xoxo
Um, I can't even remember what your post actually said even though I just read it because he is SO CUTE I can't stand it!
ReplyDeleteI really hope we'll get at least a brief birth story someday :) Grady is adorable!
ReplyDeleteLove that face. You two made one cute baby.
ReplyDeleteAnd I (obviously) don't know how you are feeling but I'm sure you'll adjust and be so much more awesome than before. Ya know, if that's even possible.
It WILL Get better, but when? No one knows, even sometimes I don't feel like myself some days. Most days I'm happy and fun and well-adjusted, but once in a blue moon I have a relapse of it all.
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult. It will be. Accept that much. Each and everyday will be a struggle, it will never be easy - as soon as you think "oh, it's so easy today!", tomorrow will bring a whole different battle.
All throughout this, your emotions and hormones and bad thoughts and good thoughts, just keep going. Talk to someone. Smile. You will want so much to spend an afternoon alone, and when you get it, you will worry about your boy that whole time. I remember at times I was just "going thru the motions", crying when no one was watching, but somehow I survived.
I didn't have any friends that were going through what I was, they were still partying on weekends and not really 'getting' the whole aspect of me, changed. I didn't either, which, although I don't regret, I wish I had someone to tell me that this, too, shall pass.
Those early months are really such a haze. Be easy on yourself. You & Grady are both trying to figure yourselves out, really. But I'm sorry to hear that your birth experience maybe didn't go as you had wanted. That sucks.
ReplyDeleteYour boy is adorable. So sweet.
I know you'll figure it out. Trust yourself.
ReplyDeleteI love following your photos on Instagram - I get my daily baby joy there. ;-)
Sending so much love your way to you and that lovely baby <3
ReplyDeleteHe looks so pensive. So beautiful!
ReplyDeleteHe is perfect. And your feelings are perfectly normal... at least as I understand things. I'm not a mom yet.
ReplyDeleteyou put in to words what I have been trying to pinpoint since Asher was born 12 weeks ago.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I now know that I need to make the effort to define myself again, somehow.
Much love, you're doing a great job, Grady is absolutely edible.
I think we all change when we become parents, sometimes in the most unexpected ways. I never lived a reckless life, but now that I'm a mama, I question everything I do and whether it's worth the risk now that I'm a mama. You definitely think differently. But, have faith in yourself, in Shawn, in your families and friends ... Grady is going to grow up being surrounded by an amazing community.
ReplyDeleteEverything gets easier with time. Emotions level, routines begin and the bond you have will continue to grow. My biggest advice is to never be afraid to ask for help. I pretended to be superwoman after my first was born and tried to do it all myself, big mistake. It's amazing what just 30 minutes by yourself can do to rejuvenate and improve your outlook.
ReplyDeleteHe's absolutely adorable!
seriously, just so precious. so much love.
ReplyDeleteI just want to encourage you that you are not the only one to have felt this way. Your entire world and priorities have shifted! Not to mention your day to day is, uh, not like it was before.
ReplyDeleteI called my transition to motherhood an "identity crisis", and I felt like I was literally fighting to be Kathryn, too, and not just Mommy. Reading current event mags whenever I had even a few minutes helped me relate to the outside world. Two kids later, I am more Me and a happier, more full Me than before I had kids.
While you may have to do some work re-define yourself, it is so worth it.
Congratulations! He is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI fought so hard to not lose my old self and now, 2 years later, I've accepted and embraced my new with-child self. It takes a while...having a kid is such a big life change. What a cutie!
ReplyDeletei can't even imagine how life-altering an event this must be...! but i do know you're an awesome lady, so i'm confident it won't be long until you get comfortable being an awesome lady with a kid :)
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