Wednesday 20 October 2010

I've Gotta Tell You What A State I'm In I've Gotta Tell You In My Loudest Tones That I Started Looking For A Warning Sign

I haven't written much about the sleep clinic because it's boring. It's boring to think about, it's boring to talk about. I can't imagine how boring it must be to read about. It's also frustrating. So far there has been a whole lot of trial and error without much progress. My doctor has determined what my brain is doing that prevents me from sleeping but can't figure out the cause. So. Boring and frustrating. Not exactly blog fodder. It's been a huge part of my life for the last five weeks though, and I'm only able to see now, on the other side, how it's affected me. For the first time in five weeks I feel like I'm seeing clearly.

Five weeks ago my sleep doctor prescribed a sedative to be taken nightly for a month. I had a few qualms about taking a sedative every night but I kept them to myself. I feel a lot of (stupid! pointless!) guilt about living in a country where not only do I get to see a sleep specialist, I don't have to pay for any of the medical services provided. I know it's silly because those resources are not magically applied to someone who needs them more if I choose to not see the sleep doctor, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like a first-world softy. I feel like I'm supposed to be grateful and willing to try anything so I shut my mouth and nod my head and wear the doctor-prescribed evil breathing mask for six weeks until I'm doing the ugly cry in the respiratory therapist's office, begging her to take the mask back from me. (She did.) So I didn't ask any questions. I filled the prescription and I started taking the pills.

I started taking the pills even though the pharmacist who filled my prescription told me that they should not be used for longer than 7 consecutive nights and despite the literature he provided that literally had a full page of warnings and possible side effects.

For a while, things were great. I slept through the night, every night, and woke up feeling rested. I felt a little druggy but overall I felt better than I've felt in a long time. I experienced a few side effects but they were either insignificant (like the ever-present metallic taste in my mouth) or funny (like the time I got out of bed in the middle of the night, opened the front hall closet, put on Shawn's jacket, and returned to bed without waking up.)

Then something shifted, sometime during my second week on the drug and suddenly things weren't so great. I couldn't verbalize it at the time but I stopped feeling like myself. Waking up in the morning wasn't as difficult as it used to be and I didn't constantly crave a nap, but I was so groggy. I felt slow, like I was missing connections in my brain. One morning I put my running shoes on then sat, completely stumped, for what felt like a full minute before I realized that the shoelaces needed to be tied. I knew I was missing something, I knew there was another step, I just couldn't quite get there. It wasn't just shoes, either. Everything required my full concentration. I was terrified that I would leave the house without wearing pants or call my boss "dad" or something equally as horrifying so I had a constant commentary running through my brain. It was exhausting.

My third and fourth week week on the drug were horrible. I have never felt so dark or listless. And I couldn't see it. I thought I had the autumn blues. I thought I was rundown because of work stress. Shawn could see that something was wrong but I ignored his pleas for me to see my doctor. It wasn't until one night when I forgot to take my pill until an hour past the correct time and I ended up lying on the kitchen floor, sobbing and clutching my head because it felt like it would explode if I moved the slightest bit, that I realized that something was wrong. It took Shawn threatening to take me to the emergency room before I was willing to admit that the negative side effects of the drug were far outweighing the benefits.

I've been off the drug for just over a week now. The first few days were extremely difficult. I suffered from rebound insomnia which meant that my body had become dependent on the sedative and forgot how to fall asleep. Fortunately, by day three I was so exhausted that I started sleeping again. Every day I feel like I've reclaimed a little bit more of myself. I'm back to being bone-tired because my sleeping pattern has returned to being horrid but I don't feel desperate anymore. I don't feel like the zombie version of myself. The sun is shining, a little bit, and I'm so happy that I can feel it again.

16 comments:

  1. Oh, Hillary, hunny bunny. That's so awful and scary and traumatic. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

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  2. How terrifying. I'm so glad you're off of it now!!

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  3. Oh Hillary, that stinks. I'm glad you are feeling more yourself post-drug, even if it means trading one set of crappy symptoms for another. I hope you find a solution soon.

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  4. Oh my gosh, Hillary! I'm so sorry you've been going through this but I'm SO glad that things are starting to get better.

    And for what it's worth, I've actually enjoyed reading about this whole sleep study. I find it incredibly interesting! I won't complain if you want to blog about it more ;-)

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  5. I wrote a poem about being on Ambien. That shit is no joke! I don't think anyone has any issue reading about what you are going through or considers it boring, we are all here for you and your struggles are part of that. Don't feel like you have to hid part of yourself away for fear of it being a burden.

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  6. This is so scary. Medication every night is no fun, especially when it starts having horrible side effects, too - I'm so sorry you had to experience that, but I'm glad you're off it now and feeling more yourself :)

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  7. This is so scary. Medication every night is no fun, especially when it starts having horrible side effects, too - I'm so sorry you had to experience that, but I'm glad you're off it now and feeling more yourself :)

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  8. Oh my goodness Hillary!! I'm so sorry, this sounds like a nightmare! Isn't it scary how hard it can be to see what's going on from the inside of if? I'm so glad you had Shawn there to help guide you towards what was causing this. Medication is a scary thing, but I'm glad that you were willing to try something that could have helped, and I'm glad that you're yourself again <3

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  9. Good lord - that's scary. I'm so glad you're off the medication. I am not anti-medication in any way, but that shit can fuck you up good. There has to be a better way for you. I hope you can find it.

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  10. Oh, Hills. I'm sorry that it got so dark but I'm glad you're on your way back.

    Big squishy hugs, lady.

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  11. oh man oh man oh man oh man. scary stuff :-\ so sorry you went through it but so happy you're coming through the other side ok. and here's hoping they can try out something less vile that might still work. hugsy hug hugs.

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  12. So sorry you are going through this. I wish we could just get to the bottom of both of our medical mysteries. In the meantime, we have to stay motivated and not let the frustration paralyze us. (Easier said than done.) Keep searching for answers. OX!

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  13. I'm so sorry this has been such a frustrating journey for you, babe, but I'm so! glad that you are feeling less "zombie" and more "better."

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  14. Holy crap, Hillary. That's freaking terrible. You poor thing.

    I have trouble sleeping a lot. It's not so much the falling asleep usually, it's the staying asleep and then falling back to sleep part. Terrible. I was up from 2-4 this morning and that's not so unusual for me. I think it's stress.

    Anyway, the point of my ever-rambling post is that I have started taking 5-HTTP. It's fairly cool and seems to work fairly well without making me feel ultra groggy the next morning. Anyway, it's probably not strong enough for whatever is ailing you ... or me I guess but it has helped some.

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  15. As an American without health insurance I am glad you have this ability to go to a sleep clinic and all, so please don't feel guilt on my account.

    Have you tried Calm's Forte? To be frank I've never taken it myself, but the people I know of who do, rave about it.

    I hope you find a solution soon.

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  16. I know it sucks, but sometimes you have to keep trying different things to find the right one, or combination, that works for you :(
    I'm SO glad that Shawn was there! I hope you saw the doctor again and told them what was going on!
    Big hugs muffin!

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