Saturday, 29 September 2012

Hope That I Don't Let You Down Again

It's the way the universe works, right? You say you're happy and then your kid wakes up with a 105.1 fever and doesn't eat for a week and doesn't sleep for a week so of course you don't sleep for a week and eat nothing but cookies and pastries for a week and by the end of it you're left clinging to your last shred of sanity wondering when the circles under your eyes got so dark and why does your heart feel like it's going to beat right out of your chest and where the fuck did that second upper thigh / ass roll come from (you swear there was only one last week) (you've conveniently forgotten about the week of eating cookies and pastries.)

These ups and downs have always been a part of my life but they've never been quite so high or so low as they've been since Grady was born. I don't know if it's still hormones or the lack of sleep or if it's because I haven't quite adjusted to having my heart walking around outside of me just yet but I can't seem to find a nice level mood (one that doesn't require self-medication with baked goods.)

We ended up in the hospital with Grady again (I am nowhere near equipped to deal with a child with a fever of 105.1 and of course it peaked at midnight and not during our doctor's office hours) and I thought that this time, our second time around, it would be easier. It really wasn't, though. My mind went dark, just like last time, and I clung to my feverish little boy like I could somehow lower his temperature if I just willed it hard enough.

Grady's fine. He's still sick but he's going to be fine. He's slowly starting to eat again and we've gone a full day without his temperature rising above normal. I'm going to fine too. I've put the cookies away and I've dug out my therapy workbooks for a quick refresher. I think it may do me some good to work on my mood when it's on its way up rather than waiting until I'm in the depths of my crazy again.

I want Grady to grow up with a mom who doesn't hold her breath in a crisis.


  1. Oh, Hills. Having a fever that high is SCARY.

    Big hugs to you guys. Love you.

  2. He'll have this lovely memory of you always being there during his scary times - he won't notice the rest.

  3. I hope things get smoother for you! That is scary and you have every reason in the world to eat a pastry and be upset.

  4. We have a kid who spikes a fever that high most times he spikes a fever at all and I still hold my breath, flap my hands, and freak out inside when it happens. Nearly four years into this gig!

    My goal isn't to avoid that reaction but to avoid that reaction affecting how I'm there for Kyle in those situations. Just like you, I cling to him, I'm there for him, I stay by his side, I scratch his back and kiss his head and that's exactly what I should do. I don't think he needs me to always be calm as a cucumber. I just think he needs me to be there for him. Which I am. And which you are 100% for Grady.

  5. When Gavin was in the NICU, kangaroo time was emphasized between parent and child (mostly naked baby on parent's skin, usually their chest). Experts state there are medical benefits for preterm babies who experience this skin on skin time with their parents. To this day, I use my own version of kangaroo time with Gavin whenever he's sick or having trouble with sleep. Don't underestimate the powers of parental hugs and snuggling with unwell children. Seriously.

  6. Oh, hunny bunny, that is so scary. You are doing a fantastic job as a mom. I think it's inevitable that once you have kids the highs are higher and the lows lower - particularly for those of us who roller-coaster on our own. You're a wonderful, loving mama and he is lucky to be growing up with you.

  7. I think it sounds like you are both doing your respective jobs quite well. Grady, as your son, is required to cause you an occasional panic attack and some hours of worry. And you, as his mother, are required to freak out and eat an occasional truckload of cupcakes. :-) See you guys are doing fantastic.