But I Think It's About Forgiveness Forgiveness Even If Even If You Don't Love Me Anymore

Shawn's big show was supposed to be last weekend but the band had to cancel. It's not my story to tell (even though I really want to tell it) but I will say that I'm angry on his behalf. There has been some band drama (musicians. what the fuck.) and it resulted in the guitar player (having a tantrum and) leaving the band two days before an important and exciting show.

It's frustrating because I want to punch someone (guitar player!) in the ear and Shawn has already forgiven her. It's a flaw, this mama bear attitude of mine. It gets me into trouble. It riles me up and makes my cheeks flush and my voice growl and before you know it, I'm punching someone in the ear. Shawn's capacity to forgive amazes me.

So Shawn stayed home this weekend and brought me popsicles and got up to check the random night noises after I read too many murder mysteries (four in three days - such a bad plan) and tried not to laugh at my squeaky voice after my strep throat morphed into a full chest cold / laryngitis / death. It was a nice, relaxing weekend and even though I'm still angry at the situation that led up to him staying home, I'm grateful to have spent so much time with Shawn. Especially since he left this morning for four days in Toronto, leaving me with only the puppies to protect me from murderers (seriously - reading four mystery novels in three days has warped my brain. I am looking sideways at everyone, convinced that they want to cut off my face.)

And We Are So Fragile And Our Cracking Bones Make Noise

My summer of fun has been derailed by another case of throat rabies and an additional two weeks of the evil breathing machine. My day started with me doing the ugly cry in my respiratory therapist's office. My day will end with Shawn leaving for three days to play at the music festival, Robin leaving for two weeks to drive across Canada, and my parents leaving to enjoy ten days at the lake. I'm feeling a bit fragile today is what I'm saying.

It's funny. Most days I feel like I've got my shit together. I've got a husband who loves me; I have a condo (and a mortgage!); I own non-Ikea furniture; I have two rotten puppy monsters; I have a well-paying job; I know how to make quiche; all of my towels match. I have all these things that I line up and check off the Grownup List until I convince myself that I am a functioning adult.

And then a day like today happens and all I want is to go home and put on footie pyjamas and crawl into bed and have my mom make me chicken noodle soup (with alphabet noodles because egg noodles are too drippy when you're eating soup in bed.) Cat has been absolutely lovely - making plans with me for tonight and for tomorrow night to make sure I don't shrivel up and die from neediness. The good news is that my antibiotics should kick in soon and I should be able to eat solid food (which always makes me feel less weepy) and a weekend without Shawn means sleeping diagonally in the bed and cuddling with the pups all night. And, of course, the best news is that I don't have any accounting to do this weekend. Things aren't all bad.

* * * * *

Edited to add:

This is why I love the internet (thought not the internet that is preventing Jive Turkey from commenting on my blog.)

I'm Not A Large Water-Dwelling Mammal Where Did You Get That Preposterous Hypothesis? Did Steve Tell You That Perchance?

I accidentally got drunk and had a tequila / Flight of the Conchords kitchen dance party on Friday night, making my Saturday study session extremely painful. Saturday was not pretty.

I do this thing where I fret and I worry and I turn semi-stressful events into gigantic, life-altering, worse-case-scenario catastrophes. I don't even realize that I'm doing it until whatever is stressing me out has passed and I can see clearly once again. I wish I knew how to change. Fretting is one of my strengths. How depressing is that?

So my exam is over. It was difficult but I didn't die. I'm fairly confident that I did alright. Not awesome but alright. I was really focused on one aspect of the course that I couldn't wrap my brain around so I spent a lot of my studying time trying to master the concept. And then it was practically non-existent on the exam, showing up in one multiple choice question. Curses!

I'm so happy today even though it's raining and it's Monday and I'm a little achy from drinking wine in the middle of the day yesterday (I went straight from the exam to a mandatory family brunch. The wine was necessary.) Today is the first day of my summer! I have no obligations for the rest of the summer (besides this pesky thing called my job.) I'm a little overwhelmed by the possibilities so I'm turning to you: what should I do with the remainder of my summer, peeps? What is your favourite summer activity? Bonus points if it involves ice cream and/or puppies.

If You Can't Sleep I'll Be There In Your Dreams I'll Be There In Your Dreams If You Can't Sleep At All

Friday Faff: Faffier than Ever Edition

Do you remember how Shawn took me atv'ing on sand dunes for my birthday last year? I remember. Oh how I remember. And yeah, I know, it's the thought that counts but what if the thought sucks? I mean, what if someone specifically said "I do not want to go atv'ing on sand dunes for my birthday" - does that person still have to smile while atv'ing on sand dunes? On her birthday? Seriously. I know I sound like a spoilt brat and I don't want to sound like a spoilt brat; there are starving children in Africa who would love to eat my brussel sprouts I know; however, last year's birthday still stings a bit. So when I heard that She & Him were coming to Vancouver in October I may or may not have told Shawn that he should take me for my birthday. And when I found out that the presale started this morning and I couldn't reach Shawn at work I may or may not have bought tickets. Yes, I bought my own birthday present and no, I don't care. I'm going to see She & Him! No atv'ing!

* * * * *

I tried to find a funny anniversary card for Shawn but I failed. All of the anniversary cards I found were all "you are the light of my life! I can't live without your sweet love! My love blooms like a flower for you!" I'm not judging people who buy shmoopy anniversary cards for their loved one, I'm just not someone who can do it with a straight face. So I bought this card:

and wrote this inside:

and that sums up my relationship with Shawn much better than a card with angels and roses on the front and a poem inside.

* * * * *

Wolfgang is knackered from his salacious life of sex, drugs, and rock & roll ...

while Stella channels her inner cat and naps in a sunbeam.

Have a good weekend, lovelies! I hope you manage to fit in lots of naps.

And I Said What I Said And I Meant It But Now I Regret It Foolish How Was I So Careless

The last few weeks have been spectacularly grim and even though I've tried to re-frame my thinking into being excited! about learning! and being grateful! for the opportunities I've been given! I've kind of failed. I have been snappy and tense and sometimes mean (okay, a lot mean. Just ask Shawn.) I have felt sorry for myself (something I hate in others and absolutely loathe in myself.) I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now though, and I've started to see the light in myself again. I mean, I'm still worried about my ability to pass my exam and I'm still disproportionately angry about the fucking sleep study and breathing mask, but I've started to feel less like stabbing people in the ear and more like buckling down and getting shit done. It helps that I've got a deadline and that deadline is fast approaching. After this weekend, I don't plan on thinking about accounting ever again (which may not align with my employer's expectations but, please just allow me this disillusion until after I write my exam.) After August 19th, I won't wear a breathing mask to bed ever again (I say while furiously knocking on wood.) The end is in sight.

This is Stella's "stop studying and take me to the dog park, right now" look.

And this is what happens when I don't take her to the dog park.

I'll Be The Sky That Lights Up With Fireworks Whenever November Comes And You Could Be The Greatest Thing That Has Happened To Me

Dear Shawn,

Happy anniversary!

I still think your butt is as cute as it was when I married you two years ago.

I love you bunches.

Hillary

Slow Down Boy You're Driving Me Crazy I'm Not A Kid Anymore

I didn't blog about my July resolution but I did make one; my goal was to finish all of the coursework for my blasted accounting course. Late Saturday, as July turned to August, I successfully completed my resolution. I'm not in the clear just yet - I still have to pass my exam on Sunday - but I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I spent the rest of the long weekend in a bit of a fog, trying to come down from my state of panic and halfheartedly attempting to tackle the many things I've neglected in the last few weeks as I've worked myself up into a lather. Which brings me to my August resolution. My resolution for August is to clear out the clutter that has been accumulating over the last few months. I need to clear out my Google Reader, respond to emails that have languished unanswered in my inbox for weeks, expunge the piles of stuff that have cropped up on every available surface in the condo. Disarray makes me feel off centre. I cannot think straight when my physical surroundings are chaotic and muddled. August will be about finding clarity and eliminating the superfluous.

Hopefully August will also be about reentering my regular life - making time to see friends again, spending quality time with Shawn instead of passing out in front of the tv together, reading and commenting on blogs instead of skimming through and leaving nonsensical comments. I have six more days of studying and prepping for my exam and then August is mine. I am so excited to feel like me again.