I mentioned in my last post that my little sister is also pregnant. I haven't spoken about it much here because it makes me very clenchy. I am trying to have my own pregnancy and not compare myself to Bow but it's difficult. We're a bit of a novelty right now - the two pregnant sisters, due two weeks apart. The first two grandbabies for my parents. The first two great-grandbabies for my grandma. We are cute to people. I get it. I mean, what's cuter than a baby? Two babies!
The thing is, though, that Bow and I aren't particularly close. We've had our issues over the years and even though we've reached a peaceful place, it's taken a long time and a lot of tears to get here. We don't interact much. We don't speak on the phone. We don't see each other much outside of family gatherings. We're two very different people and even though we love each other fiercely, our differences prevent us from being close. And I'm usually okay with it, really I am. But with our simultaneous pregnancies come a lot of comparisons and expectations and judgment. Admittedly, I am oversensitive and emotional and am able to find judgment and criticism in the most innocuous of comments but I'm also human - a hormonal, pregnant human - and I don't need to hear about how Bow's doctor is concerned that she's too skinny after you've just remarked on how much I've grown. Asshole.
Part of the problem is that I'm comparing myself to Bow, far more than is healthy. Which is silly because I don't really know Bow all that well so I'm comparing myself to my perception of Bow. A shiny, glittery perception of her perfect life (though not the life I would choose - so why do I care?) We're not close enough to share our struggles so when I'm feeling overwhelmed and panicky, I also feel inadequate. Bow doesn't struggle so why am I finding pregnancy so difficult? Stupid, right? Of course Bow struggles. Everyone struggles. But in my moments of desperation I can't see it - I just see this shining example of the perfect pregnant lady I'll never be. It's fucked up. I can say that today because I got more than a few hours of sleep last night and my head feels clear and I haven't weighed myself 17 times already and I haven't hid in the office bathroom to cry yet. Today is a less crazy day so I can see how crazy I've been lately. It's frustrating. I kind of want to be one of those sunshiney pregnant ladies who has a cute little bump and radiates joy and doesn't dry heave whenever she even thinks of brushing her damn teeth. I kind of don't want to be me right now.
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One of the fastest ways to make any sane person begin to sound crazy is to leave a scale in their home. I'm serious. And that's not even calculating the insanity that pregnancy hormones places on us. So, my first bit of advice - make the puppies hide your scale - you're supposed to be gaining weight, why make that a focus of your life?!
I think any two women who are pregnant at the same time tend to compare themselves to one another. And in most cases, each will feel insecure compared to the other at different points throughout their experience. I imagine that feeling is magnified 100-fold when it's a sister you don't get along with all that well. My two suggestions: Use your blog to vent when needed and stop listening to me, as I'll surely get you in trouble. xoxo
I constantly (and by constantly, I mean it's happened like once or twice, but to a pregnant woman, that's CONSTANTLY) get compared to my aunt, who just had twins (she and I are very close in age) and it DRIVES ME CRAZY.
I just want to scream at people (my grandma), "WE'RE DIFFERENT PEOPLE! STOP COMPARING!"
Ugh, anyway, that is neither here nor there with what you wrote, I just had to get it out.
I'm sorry you're feeling bummed out. Or more than bummed out. I'm also sorry you've got the dry heaves, but if it makes you feel any better (to know I'm right there with ya!), I feel like puking every time the baby moves.
It's soooo not cute and fluttery and all that bullshit people say. It literally makes me want to throw up.
I so wanted to be that cute pregnant person who was all glowy and earth mother and crap.
Instead, I was the surly pregnant woman who hated being pregnant (and I didn't even have morning sickness). I love my kid and I loathed the loss of control of ME while pregnant. And comparisons to other people just drove me to (want to) drink heavily. I can't even imagine it with a sister.
I will say, for sanity's sake? Stop weighing yourself. For real. I had my husband move our scale into a top shelf of a closet that I couldn't get to without his help until after J was born. I got weighed at my dr appointments and THATS IT. Don't do that to yourself.
I ditto the other gals - throw away your scale!! Try to eat healthy and your body will gain how much it needs to. My co-worker who's a skinny marathon runner gained like 60 lbs. with each of her three kids and is back in great shape a year after the last one.
I really feel for you & the situation with your sis. I have a little sister who I always felt was the skinny/pretty/popular/favored by my parents child. Even though we get along today, I can see losing my mind if I were in your situation. My only advice is to join a group of pregnant gals through meetup.com or la leche so you have someone else to compare yourself to besides your sis.
See, I think most people but me are shiny, happy people even when they tell me they're not. I just assume everyone is happy (and sometimes happier than me) no matter what. It's like eternal optimism for everyone but myself.
So, I totally get this. Totally.
You know, when I saw your sister was preggo at the same time I initially thought fun! (and commented it I think) and then I thought of how badly it would suck if my sister and I were preggo at the same time. We (from the sounds of it) have a very similar relationship to you and your sister. It would suck and suck a lot. So I take back my Fun! comment. Instead, I give you 'sucks!' Also, need to tell you that you're fabulous even if your sister looks like the perfect preggo. She's not. And did I mention you're fabulous? Cause you are.
I'm sorry. I'm sure I'd do the same thing in your shoes. And I'd resent the shit out of her for being pregnant at the same time as me and causing the comparison/insecurity situation. Because pregnancy doesn't cause enough upset and insecurity all by itself.
You know, there's a reason why it hurt so much when the first words out of my mom's mouth, when we told her about the whole having to do IVF thing, were "Are you going to be mad if one of your sisters gets pregnant before you do?" Aside from how she made it all about her, it made me think of how much being engaged/planning a wedding at the same time as my sister sucked. I can't imagine having to be pregnant at the same time, and am desperately hoping it never happens. I mean, if that's how life/timing works out, so be it. Luckily they aren't planning on getting pregnant soon. But then, it's taking us a lot longer than we planned, as you know.
I guess I just said a lot to say I'm sorry that you're having to deal with yet another Bow thing. And I agree, there's no reason for you to compare yourself to her. Your baby is going to be way cuter, anyhow. :D
My sister was pregnant when I was, and seemed to suffer exactly ZERO pregnancy/postpartum symptoms. I'd be like "Did your hair shed an asston a few months after you had the baby?!" and she'd be all "Wut?"
I know it's so hard not to compare yourself to your sister. If it makes you feel any better, my sister's smooth-as-silk pregnancy resulted in a child who refuses to sleep/eat, whereas mine resulted in a champion sleeper/eater. Yay.
I'm sorry that you have to share this time with her. I mean, yes, she's your sister, but comparisons are almost inevitable BECAUSE she's your sister.
Try to remember that you are you, and you are AWESOME, and you're doing the best you can for you and the baby and, yeah. Hugs,
Dude, that sucks. I think you need more sleep ... and a new sister..... ;-) I'm sorry it's been so sucky.
i'm pretty positive i will never have a sunshiney earth mother pregnancy. my lady parts violently protest any of their natural functions. which is to say, too bad *i'm* not pregnant, because we could totally compare our pregnancies to each others' and feel just DANDY about how badly they both sucked. ALAS.
I am sorry you are going through a tough time. Maybe you will get lucky like Gayle and "win" by having the "easy" baby. Then you can go to family functions and be all like, "Oh, you look tired, Bow. I guess your baby isn't sleeping through the night yet." That will teach her!
I really commend you for posting this, Hillary, & for admitting to these emotional struggles. I'm a big compare-myself-to-everyone person, particularly with my younger cousin, who I see as being, well, pretty perfect. And as you said of your sister, I don't even KNOW her that well, so my perceptions of her likely make very little sense, in reality - but they're there, & that's how my head works, & I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if she & I were pregnant at the same time. And it makes me shudder, frankly.
The beautiful part is that when this is over - the pregnancy, that is - you will be left with a child, an absolute blessing that is ALL YOUR OWN. And while the comparisons may never stop - the curse is that you may compare your children, your parenting styles, etc., for years to come, forever, even - the most important part, I think, it to keep an eye on the prize. Um, in this case, where a child is the prize. And that's going to be worth all of it, I hope, for you.
Lots of love.
There is no such thing as perfect.
Sincerely.
You're beautiful and everything you're doing is right for you and your baby. It can't be compared even though it's easy to do that. If you can, surround yourself with people who will give you positivity because it takes a village to drown out the negativity.
I'm sorry you are down. I hope things shift for you.
I'm not sure this will help, but my dentist told me that toothpaste does nothing for your teeth. Just your breath. You can go without the nasty ass paste and just chew bubble gum or something.
And sisters. I have one. I know what you mean.
I'm so NOT a sunshiny pregnant lady. I'm sorry you're struggling, but if it makes you feel any better, pregnancy makes most women CRAZY. Noah told me last night he thought I should be on medication. (He said that with a lot of experience living with depressed/crazy me.)
Also, going from the last belly shot you posted, I think you look ADORABLE. Maybe you will gain more weight than your sister, but it'll be SO worth it!
One of my biggest regrets in life is that I will never be able to be pregnant again. Seriously. I was MISERABLE pregnant. I puked all the damn time. I FAINTED. I rarely slept. I didn't even have a bump until after my 5th month. I didn't have to wear maternity until the end of my 7th. I NEVER got to enjoy being pregnant. Ever. It was stressful and horrible and we were broke and unhappy and it just sucked...and it was the only pregnancy I got and am ever going to get. *sigh*
I am not allowed to own a scale. PERIOD. Even without pregnancy hormones, I can't have one in the house without using it to make myself crazy. You need to get that out of your house STAT.
I know it's so hard right now honey, but if you don't allow yourself to enjoy any bit of this pregnancy, just for the thing that it is, you might regret it later. I don't want that for you. It sucks. Trust.
Okay firstly, I have seen the pics you've posted via Twitter and you are absolutely adorable with your little belly. Can you toss your scale in your parents' basement? Pay attention to how healthy the fetus is firstly, and how clothes fit comfortably secondly - the number doesn't matter.
You know what your sister sounds like? A celebrity. But one only you are aware of. She seems glamorous and perfect to you, all you know about her is what you think you know (like how we think we know Snookie from watching Jersey Shore and reading US & People), but you don't truly know her struggles. Maybe if you view her as your own personal celebrity, it'll be easier for you to not compare yourself to her. Because everyone knows that what we see of celebrities isn't their true lives.
Hi lady,
I've been thinking about you and meaning to comment for days, if not longer. I'm so sorry that *YOU* have been going through such a struggle right now ... I can't imagine going through all of this while also battling pregnancy hormones. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma and your dog. Oh, and you might be moving too!? Man. I think you might have inherited some of your grandma's tough as nails spirit! I admire your honesty and putting it all out there. And I must agree with previous comments -- you *do* have a cute little bump. You are adorable, missy! Bummer you might be moving, but I like your plan of making Shawn re-paint your cute accent wall! It looks great!
Eric's sister was pregnant with her first baby and the same time as his sister-in-law (brothers girlfriend) - due two weeks apart - and with her second baby she was pregnant at the same time as her cousin/MOH/best friend - due five days apart.
It was REALLY hard for her both times. How can you not compare? You can't, it's part of life and it's normal. When you start comparing yourself to your sister next time just remind yourself what you wrote in this blog post - her life is NOT shiny and perfect, it just seems that way to you because you don't know all the details of her life.
And then remind yourself that YOUR life might look shiny and perfect to other people.
XO
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