Dudes, I apologize in advance for this post. I feel it needs some sort of warning. Like, if you do not like pee, or do not like hearing about how people pee, you should probably not read this. Just trust me on this.
After my wake up call, I got to go to the doctor. Except that I still don't have a doctor so I've been going to a walk-in clinic. Which means that when a doctor there tells me to come back in a week for a follow up appointment, I'm unable to actually schedule one. I have to "walk in" and wait and there is nothing I hate more than waiting to see a doctor first thing in the morning before I have had my coffee. Don't they know I have important things to do first thing in the morning? All those blogs in my Reader aren't going to read themselves! So I wait to see the doctor and am told that I have the asthma. There's not a lot to say about it. It sucks but at the same time I'm happy that I now know what's going on with my wonky breathing.
The rest of my day consisted of many petty annoyances and some not so petty annoyances (read: family shite that is going to make me punch someone in the ear) that built layer upon layer of resentment until the highlight of my day, the grand finale, the pièce de fucking résistance, if you will: I ... there's no easy way to say this ... I peed on myself. At work. Two hours before I needed to interview two swanky-sounding women.
How did I pee on myself at work? It's a funny story, really. I'm sure that one day I will laugh at it. That day won't be today, obviously. Anyway, there are some fucked up acoustics in the women's bathroom in my office. It's a combination of a really old building, a completely floor-to-ceiling tiled bathroom, and a toilet with a bizarrely wide gap between the seat and where the water starts. When you pee in this bathroom, the noise is amplified throughout the office. It causes me stress. For a long time, I would try to not pee. ALL DAY. My kidneys hated me. Then I figured out a way to lessen the pee noise. It involves leaning back on the seat to try to pee on the front of the bowl, instead of directly into the water. And yes, I just described - vividly - how I pee. Sorry but as I mentioned, it has been a fucking DAY today. Also, it's important to throw a little bit of toilet paper in the bowl before you go, to create a pee buffer. Today I forgot the pee buffer, so mid-stream, I threw some toilet paper in the bowl. Except that it hit the pee-stream and pee splashed out all over my feet and pants.
Did I mention that I had to be the grown-up in a job interview after that?
I mopped up the best I could. The damage wasn't as bad as I originally thought; my pants were a bit damp at the back but they are black so it wasn't too noticeable. I was paranoid that I smelled like pee, though, so I sent out an SOS.
Turtle, my brilliant sister Turtle, suggested that I be extra-stern in my interview and look at the interviewees suspiciously, like maybe they smell like pee. This is why I love her.
17 comments:
Oh dear god. Next time I'm in Vancouver I'll buy you some drinks.
You are not alone!!
Noisy bathrooms are AWFUL and I will do everything I can to avoid them but sometimes, if I sneeze to hard? PEE. God. The gift of being a mother.
That does sound like a DAY. Ugh. Sorry it was all shitty and stuff. x
That does sound like a DAY. Ugh. Sorry it was all shitty and stuff. x
Yeah, that's kind of hard to top as far as bad days go. So did the stern look thing work for you in the end? That sounds pretty brilliant.
Maybe I'll share the story of when I peed all over my pants while hiking on my blog today... Or maybe not.
Awww hon, sorry for the shitty day. If we worked in the same office, I would have run out and bought you a new pair of pants.
But Tuesday is over and hopefully this stupid work week will end soon.
*hugs*
This reminds of that Sex and the City scene where Carrie says to Charlotte "You shit your pants this year. I think you're done."
Only it's "Hillary, you peed on yourself today. I think you're done."
HA! Oh, dude. I have also had the unfortunate pee-deflection situation. I always get really inexplicably defensive about it. "SO? So I have pee on my pants. SO FUCKING WHAT?!"
OH!! Oh no!! Oh Hillary.... wow! I..... good lord, that is a really, genuinely, crappy day. You're definitely deserving of many weeks of nothing bad happening at this rate!
I think you need a lot of hugs and a lot of tasty beverages.
I don't think I have any pee-on-myself stories, but I did once have another sort of accident when I was in Europe and had been a vegetarian for nearly 2 years and decided to eat some fish.
It was not the best decision.
I threw those underpants away.
Oh Hillary, I'm sosososo sorry! This sounds like the worst day ever. Don't worry, I once sat on a drawer at work, split my pants and cut my ass. There was blood, much harder to hide than pee. I survived and so will you.
Today will be better, you'll see :)
My bathroom is loud too. But I never thought about battling the loudness with creative thought. A pee buffer. Interesting. Will give it a try.
I don't have pee on me today, but I do have toilet water on me. You see, the toilets flush with a vengeance at work. Like, they mean serious business. And when you flush, water sprays alllll over the place. Including on my legs. You know how I know that? Because I am wearing a dress and the feeling of toilet water spraying the back of your legs is an unmistakeable feeling. xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Oh my gosh, that's awful!
My work bathroom has the bad pee acoustics, too. It's a one person bathroom, which makes it worse, because the whole darn office can hear it, not just other people in the bathroom. I solve this by - wait for it - turning on the water when I pee. Cause no one can figure out that I'm urinating, right? They either think I have a hand washing fetish, or maybe they think the noise from the sink is my pee...Oh vey.
I'm sorry that your day was so craptastic, but the pee visual has be laughing like a loon.
I, too, love Turtle.
Dude, totally lame :( What about turning on the tap to mask the peeing shound?
I mean SOUND.
That's like farting and blaming it on the dog. Too funny!
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